Reflections are an interesting fear to tackle. There are two main fears that are associated with what a mirror will provide you with instantly: a look at yourself in the present and/or send you spiraling to a situation that you may have experienced in the past. I somehow managed to gaze both directly into these perpetually confounding eyes, always aglow with the prospect of gaining knowledge and understanding…. (but, still not sure if they are blue, green, or a new crayon color) on a daily basis without even coming into contact with reflective glass.
I’ve avoided mirrors for years and years. Much the same way that I have also evaded the dictatorship that a traditional scale will provide me with. I don’t need to know how much I weigh and I am perpetually aghast by the pallor, the pimples, and petrified wood effect that my skin has been forced to endure over the years. Government, fix that! I don’t need to be reminded of the ghastly visage and general mien that I possess.
There have been zero days where I found myself attractive, but I have sort of learned a valuable lesson during the epoch of anorexia that provided an unwelcome shady umbrella that literally fell upon my life– and that was to never look at myself in the mirror or to calculate my pounds on a scale. Ever.
I’ve held true to those sentiments as outlandish as they are. I’m happier that way. (Yes, I have to inform nurses at the doctor’s offices. However, if you must know… I am 5’5″ and weigh 120) Thanks useless people at doctors’ offices.
Eating disorders are not things you just wake up and cure yourself of. They stick with you forever. They can and often times do consume you- literally. At this point…. I have given up on the idea that I will ever be “pretty.” I am not going to be THAT person. And this is a big step for me in the sense that I can let go a little on the attempts to achieve perfectionism. It would of been a goal that left me reaching and reaching and reaching further for a finish line that never truly existed. It became time to accept the wonderful blessings that I was bestowed in lieu of a waist-size that is unachievable Make the best of what you were granted, because honestly you are beautiful, gorgeous and special no matter what you believe yourself to be 🙂
I’m going to also add this little tiny bit of knowledge and realization that has provided me with confidence that I never knew that I had. I have learned to stand up straight and hold the door open for others– while asking them how their day was or stating that I hope they have a wonderful evening. I am so shy that none of this comes naturally. However, I have determined, just utilizing a simple five day venture into the Nation’s Capital, that a simple phrase or praise can turn someone’s life around. It can change a Monday into a Funday. Why not try to help someone…. if you are granted the opportunity? A smile and a familial exchange can go a long way!
No one wants or deserves to live inside of a calorie calculator.
I may be the opposite of what my parents wished for their second child, but when you combine the powers of my amazing sister and myself– we are unstoppable! Caitlin can be added into this triforce. And yes… that is a Zelda reference.