Longer than expected (that’s what she said)

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What an unusual life that I lead and live. When I was in the midst of my adolescence… not once did I foresee my future playing out the way it has. In most people’s eyes– I am the text book definition of a failed prospect. I had the pedigree worthy of an epic success story in the making. However, my life took a severe 180 degree turn while in my early and mid-twenties. Decisions and repercussions that I am facing head-on now at twenty-eight.

I’ve noticed that the way I view the world and other people in general, has instigated a significant shift in the past year. I have always been a late bloomer in every avenue imaginable. And my appreciation and acknowledgment of the weight of responsibility placed upon mature adults is no different. I’m just now learning to figure out aspects of survival in a democratic, corporate, financially based world. I’ve had the amazing benefit of having both of my parents live near me, help me, aid me, and treat me the way a daughter (or son, if that is the case) should be treated. I am blessed. And I’m non-religious–so, I use that term quite infrequently.

However, at this ripe old-age…. my cavernous (often times carnivorous) brain has become the dictator in the otherwise symbiotic relationship between sense of self/emotion and logic and reasoning. The Civil War ended 149 years ago, but it still runs rampant in another form or facet within the confines of my head.

And this is not an expression of admittance to suffering from multiple personality disorders. Quite the contrary, in fact. I am actually in the process of finally getting a grasp of who I am and what I have to offer to the world. As is the case with many people– I hit rock bottom before I regained the drive and energy to climb to the top. The enigmatic quality of my persona is part of the charm, yeah?

I will not deny that the past ten years of my life have been a free-fall into the lowest depths a singular human being can endure without lasting repercussions. I’ve scraped the bottom of the barrel figuratively and literally. I have, at points during the height (and yet, literal lows) of depression pondered if I were even worth the air space it took to fill my lungs with oxygen and subsequent life. Of course I have been able to accomplish that. But, my reflection in the mirror breeds insecurity and self-loathing. I am learning to curb that innate hatred. I have adapted and adopted a new way of viewing myself. Gone are the days of focusing on failure–whether it be a pimple or anxiety or the ultimate soul-crusher of not graduating from college…. and in comes the faux positive. It’s become clear me grasping desperately onto the elements of life that prove to be somewhat optimistic are key to eliciting a smile from my dimpled face…. and inevitably lead to the stimulation of euphoria in my little head and heart. I can convince myself that everything is great. As Tegan and Sara say in “The Lego Movie” EVERYTHING IS AWESOME. Even when it is not to the outsider looking in.

I’ve been with Meg for four years and five months. She is the centrifugal force in my seemingly useless world. I love her more than I am capable of expressing in words, because as of now– there are no words to describe her or our weird connection to one another. It works. Even when it doesn’t…. we have never slept apart from one another. We are otters…. we hold hands when we fall asleep to prevent drifting apart. Cheesy? Yes. But, does it work for us? Also yes.

I recently had the opportunity to visit Washington DC with my parents, sister and 4.5 year old niece. My sister is a travel blogger. She has proven to be quite successful in that field (mommypoints.com). I adore my sister and she is the epitome of a woman that anyone should look up to. She has drive, she has ambition, she has charm, she has humor, she has knowledge and she is….on top of all of that…. a fantastic mother to my niece and a wife to my brother-in-law. She, on the surface, is always calm and collected– a true testament to the American Dream. She had a vision, she worked hard, and eventually conquered.

I admit that I am sometimes envious of her success. I grew up fearing her. I was a pawn to the Queen and ended up enduring what any sibling five years younger would be faced or forced with. She was the center of attention until I was born– and she did not like the spotlight being shared. She ingeniously concocted many ways to eliminate the sunshine from my innate persona. However, years later she has become a more intrinsic part of my life. She is an inspiration. She is who I wish that I could become. And though I know that that is not only improbable, but borderline IMPOSSIBLE– I do hope that some of her ability to succeed and excel rubs off on me. Yes, she makes a lot of money, but she uses it to help and benefit others. She’s a hero in my book. And will forever be the best sister in the world–even when I ask too many questions 🙂

I have faced a lot of obstacles this year–last July (a little later in the month) I was officially informed of the irreversible eye condition that has stripped away over 50 percent of my vision in both ojos azules. Yes, I’ve had an entire 365 days to become accustomed to it, but it never felt so real and devastating as it did on this recent Washington DC trip. Fighting back tears is something that I am more than accustomed to…. I am a sensitive person. But, being unable to read all of the information presented on the tags and labels in front of the memorabilia and historical artifacts on display in the Smithsonian Museums’ that we visited (most of them) was a hard pill to swallow (apologize in advance for colloquiums.} It became even more evident while sitting on the Nation’s Capital staircase and not being able to differentiate between red and white fireworks or being able to understand why the crowd was cheering (it was because of a showcase of white stars inside the fireworks). It wasn’t until then that I realized that I will not be able to drive a vehicle again. I won’t be able to live a normal life as most would define it. I actually need bifocals at the ripe old age of twenty-eight. And even with that– I will never have perfect vision again. However, when and if I get those bifocals… I will spare my poor current glasses the terrible life of being ripped from my face when I look at a book compared to a billboard. Despite all of the physical ailments– including a left arm that has so much nerve damage that I can barely type with it and the lack of clear eyesight (but with bookoos of foresight and/or clairvoyance — she claims to love me. And as of right now, I am inclined to believe her. I truly hope.  Meg is a terrible liar.  And I like to believe I have thrown a lasso on any indiscretion.  I’m also so cute. 😛

However, these impediments are not just genetically predisposed to me. I exacerbated the situation by imbibing alcohol to the extreme. I did so to alleviate the symptoms of severe social anxiety, major depressive disorder, borderline personality disorder, etc. I have been diagnosed with every ailment imaginable. Who knows anymore? Unfortunately for me…. compulsive behavior runs in my family. Many times this is an attribute that can aid and boost you into a VIP status (my sister), but it can also smother you and confine you to an endless darkness that will never relent. I fell into the latter trap.

My idiosyncrasies morphed into compulsions that led to my former eating disorder and suicidal thoughts. Remember– I never actively tried to kill myself. I thought about it, but never once attempted it. Be careful what you type in blogs or you could end up in a psych ward like I did.

The bright side of all of the aforementioned sentiments is that at this point in my life I am learning to be happy. I’m learning to find happiness in each day. I wake up early. I take the dog on a walk– 4:30am or 6:00am and I smile. I am happy to be alive. I am happy that I still have a family. I am happy that I can afford food. I am happy that I outgrew my past. I knew I would, but impetuous behavior was a major obstacle. Now, I want and seek to be the conduit for others to find some semblance of normalcy in their life (Note to Meg: “I’ma Warrio! I’ma gonna win!)

As an extremely belated afterthought– I would like to express that on a personal level…. I have nothing against any of my conservative friends. I hope that you all understand the fact that I am, and always will be, leaning towards the liberal side of the spectrum. But, if logic and reasoning is utilized in an argument for your beliefs– I take that in…jest (I kid, I mean ingest) and dissect all of it. I pull apart fact and fiction *and oftimes friction) and will probably comment on it. Politics are important to me. I’m not a liberal, conservative or moderate. I am nothing until I read about ten pieces of confirmed fact before I lean towards an affiliation. Regardless of your personal belief or hatred of your Chief, I always hope that your moral compass directs you in the right way. Spend a weekend with Meg and I and you will see that even us deplorable gays are sometimes a natural coupling and worthy of a marriage license. Even in Tejas.

Her family may not understand or attempt to grasp the constraints that these disabilities impose upon me and my plight for living a quasi-normal life. That’s fine. I know I can’t win their affection. I have tried. Looking up bead/jewelry stores in the area, hiring my mom (no pay, but lots of love granted her way) to help deep clean the apartment before her Mom comes to town and prior to my vacation. I do everything I can to make the transition from a haute coutre boutique to a Hampton Inn (enjoy those clean down comforters).

They will never ever ever accept me as a suitable suitor for their red-haired goddess of a daughter. Understandable. I wouldn’t accept me either. But, it is what it is. I love her. Unconditionally. I have for over four years. I never want to walk away. I just want to step closer. I’m not going to be rich. I am going blind. But, even with those inconvenient issues…. I am certain on my belonging with her. Never even been up for consideration or termination.

As every fairy tale must accept and applause its’ conclusion:  “The End”  And I hope the addendum of
Happily Ever After” prevails!

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About littlelostsunny

Lost inside her mind. Inspired to blog because if not the thoughts start to control my life. I needed an outlet.

Posted on July 9, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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