happy valentine’s day :)
A reflection in a mirror can cause duress and distress– probably why I haven’t glanced up from the ground in years. It is easier to shirk away from reality than it is to perceive and analyze it. According to Poe….eyes are the window to the soul. But, when your girlfriend has to paint a picture of your eyes to even know what color they are– is that a blessing or curse? One side would say– WOW, your girlfriend and fiance loves you enough to create artwork to honor your beauty– another side says curse…. because you are so afraid to be let down by what a mirror reveals to you. This is not “Snow White” I have no magic mirror. I have the one you need to clean with windex that spits truth in an acerbic way. Unflattering and just as unfitting for someone with dysmorphia. All of this weighs on me… I cut years and years from my life because of this. I am getting better, but by getting better you get worse because you have no fuel to fuel yourself. It’s not heroin, but it’s a drug. So, you experience withdrawal.
I’m not doing well with it. I relapse. I’m scared of change– always have been. What is on the other side of the fence? Greener grass or darker pastures? What does await you?
I am afraid to take a shower because of the negative reflection and visual refraction. I disrobe and fear what I will see. I am cognizant of reality where I am not a Beast, but a…. half way Beauty. But, I cannot grasp that in the present…it’s just a faint glimmer of hope– or a dim lightbulb that can signify that.
No amount of therapy or medication can restore that thought into the palm of your hand. Not yet. You lose it, it”s gone. The only thing you can hope is that you do not succumb so far into the sewage of this degree of self-doubt. That’s what you hope. All you want is to be comfortable with yourself and not ashamed by your appearance.
But life is tricky. Sometimes the smartest people can be crazy in the wrong way. I love everyone else in my life, but can’t seem to reflect that giant heart onto my own visage.
I sometimes wish I had a cave in my heart to accept the love that is directed towards me. Because, I definitely have an abundance of that. And thank you to all that bestow that upon me. ::)