Looking at one’s own reflection is… to be cliche: a double edged sword.

I question people’s moral compass when they view or highlight a mental illness as something worth glorifying.  What kind of person are you…. YOU?

I have averted my eyes for years.   This is in reference to a physical and mental diagnosis of narcissism   I thought that I was immune to this.  But, learned that selflessness in the eyes of a narcissist can actually be the direct opposite.

I learnt this recently.  I ended up cuffed.  I went to the ER with a BAC of 3.4.  Got to spend over 12 hours there.  How many people have a gf/bf that come and sleep with them in a little bed?  Mine did.  She wasn’t even told where to go and she found me.  Can’t call her my wife– although our 4 year anniversary is…. imminent.  We have no official date set.

The thing is- I am so exhausted by this merry-go-round of drunken confessions.   I’m not proud of myself.  I also do not know how to escape.  I try to– and then I’m dizzied by the myriad of options.  I do need a guide dog in more ways than one.

Oft-times, I am afraid to leave my apartment due to superficial imagery.   I know that’s abnormal.  Doesn’t change the reality of it.  This is not something rehab would fix.  I’ve been there and done that.  Truly: Shoal Creek.   It’s a joke.  They make you more afraid of those you are supposed to become “friends” with.

I am a case where I a struggling with life and straddling the issue about who to become with the gifts I have been bestowed.   Those who tell me I am intelligent– in what realm?  Those who have no say– build a snowman with me tomorrow if it does snow.  I have no judgment.  I m just lost.  And no psychiatrist, psychologist, nor prescription meds have been able to fix it   I don’t believe I’m hyper-intelligent– just stuck in a maze.  A maze and perplex.

 

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About littlelostsunny

Lost inside her mind. Inspired to blog because if not the thoughts start to control my life. I needed an outlet.

Posted on January 24, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I’m really just an outside observer of your life. I wish you could find your way. And even if you can’t find happiness,  I wish that you could learn to live again. I wish you could look past yourself and outside of your own thoughts to find what is going on in the world. I wish you would let the world recondition you and fix what is broken. I wish you would open yourself up to letting the world in to make you happy. But to have that happen you have to let go and give up the things that make you heavy. 

    I know these are just words. It’s up to you to do the hard work. It’s up to you to be honest with yourself on how much you want it and knowing when you’re just running in the same circle you have been. 

    I wish you well. 

    Like

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