No smoking no blowing, In my world– winning

Sentences are easy to formulate.  Criteria and actual definition are more difficult.

Playing word games are complicated with me.   I’m inept visually, mentally and with my left hand.  Paralyzed.

Someone who uses words cannot even imprint them.

Verbally, I use them for evil.   I do nothing to help– just harm.  Why?  To placate myself?  I don’t know.

My wonderful mother brings me Jason’s Deli and Subway and I refuse to eat it.  My anorexic past rears its ugly head.  Why?  I do have my own explanation.   It could be considered a cop out.    Great.  Another cop-out for my failures.

I am with a wonderful girl who is a smoker.  I just read this:   http://www.buzzfeed.com/tonymerevick/lgbt-communities-spend-an-estimated-79-billion-per-year-on-c  I’ve asked her– pleaded to her to cessate the habit.

I have an engagement ring that leaves a green ring. It’s copper.    I gave her a white gold princess cut ring.  Her ring was put on my finger eons before a reciprocal gesture.    That makes it the same degree of sincerity.  In my book… We have not exchanged wedding vows.  Not my fault.  It’s not hers either.  It’s the fact that I fell in love with a woman.

Regarding that aforementioned article…. do you not see why that could happen to someone who is LGBT?   Really?  Logic can direct you that way. Or knot.  Do you want to utilize  that card. ?

I’m a dying alcoholic.  I’m threatening my relationship with my parents, my fiance, and my health.   I fucked up everything.  Why did I start failing?  In college when I realized I was gay.  I started drinking to combat this  truth.   I wanted to eradicate it.  I waited until I was twenty-two to sleep with a woman.   I tried so much to ignore these feelings.

I started drinking to ease the pain.

Thinking it had nothing to do with anorexia,  cutting, bulimia, etc.  is a failed attempt at guarding yourself from ignorance.

Let it also be known.  I never wanted to hurt anyone else.  Truly.  My flaws are all my own.

And happy birthday–two days ago to my sister.

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About littlelostsunny

Lost inside her mind. Inspired to blog because if not the thoughts start to control my life. I needed an outlet.

Posted on January 17, 2014, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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