Ground Control to Major Tom
The dichotomy of my personalities is foretelling of the person who I am– and who one should expect from me and who I became. I am never going to be centered or in the middle on the scale of normal and insane. The one thing I can guarantee you is that I will always be harmless and compassionate towards those around me– barring anyone attempting to hurt those who are capable of enduring my episodic mania. Yes, recently I have been on a downward spiral into the depths of despair and oblivion. I’ve been here before. It’s not pleasant. I hurt every single mortal soul around me with my harsh depictions of reality. I can tell that even my dog is hurt by my pain. However, there is no cure. I am who I am and I cannot ever change who I was born to be. I am tortured by insecurity and inwardly drawn pain. That is how it will be. I plaster that smile on my face just as most put on makeup in the mornings. You will always be able to pull that smirk out of my pocket. I long for and desire it– and it’s always there….. Just like you shield your eyes from the sun when hungover.. I do the same with my cheshire cat grin. But, not all the fucking time– many times I am sincerely happy….. when my fiance grabs my little paw, when my parents hug me or say that they love me, when my niece crafts something to make me feel better, when my sister tells me something complimentary, when a friend lends me a hand or can conjure up some nice words…… I love those moments. Unfortunately, I do not open myself up to them very often. I am standoffish and afraid of affection because it leads to an intimate emotional relationship that I am ill-equipped to handle. Don’t like the fear of it ending. Had that happen too many times. None of it is reasonable. Perhaps I hide because of shame at my inability to succeed, or perhaps it’s just my being nuts. I don’t know and no one can figure it out. So, instead of embracing happiness I shun it. Try to make sense of that one, Sherlock. I’ve been told I am awesome– let’s help my brain send that to my nervous system. ‘Cause right now– I do not believe it ONE BIT. My little ole overtly analytic self is just burying my chances of thriving deeper and deeper into the quicksand deeming from a loss of control.