So, I am nearing my 28th birthday– December 29th. I’m not a birthday person. I never have been. I used to love my Betty Crocker Funfetti sprinkled cakes that my mom made me. My Dad and I share birthday dates== so despite not ever being able to have actual parties because of how close to Christmas it was– I always had him to “celebrate” with. However, we both always lamented the getting older factor that comes along with said happy day. My fiance loves birthdays– hers’ is right between the ides of March and St. Patrick’s Day– last year as a wonderful gift to her, I slit my leg open because I am a selfish bitch. I now have a 7 inch long scar and 12 stitch wounds to prove my bleeding heart to everyone– a constant reminder that I am either an attention whore or someone who seriously just doesn’t want to be here anymore.. Such a fine line. I have the girl who is from dreams that involve rainbows and unicorns, parents who are saviors, a dog that is probably Lassie reincarnated– yet I can never feel sustained happiness. How fucking annoying is that? SUPER. Is it a frustration with failed attempts at success? Is it graduating at the top of your class, being on the Dean’s List, being a star athlete and then failing at everything because of insecurities and lack of confidence in anything? Probably. Is this why you have not looked in a mirror in years? Not even to put on make-up? Or why you wear basketball shorts and t-shirts everyday because you hate your body? Why is this? Am I attractive? Who knows…. The mirror that reflects images that I refuse to gaze at.
You want to sit here and say how great I have it and how I am just a whiny privileged bitch. You are probably right. I grew up in a middle class household with amazing parents and a great sister. I did not turn out the way they hoped. I can rectify that and am trying. But, with each step forward– I take a step backwards. I’m 27 and am having a wisdom tooth crack through my gums. Of course, I have not been to a dentist in years. So, I deal with the enjoyment of pain. Just like the enjoyment of having no washer or dryer and mounds of laundry pile up. It’s fun! Complain complain complain.
Chemicals in the body are so fascinating to me. Is it just my body failing on me that prevents me from excelling. I was great in college academically and yet I would park and not be able to escape the confines of my security blanket of a car. Why? Seriously? Wasting my parent’s money and my future? I am useless. My girlfriend does not see that and I know my parent’s enjoy my presence. I can be affable, amicable, humorous and cheerful– but if you hate yourself do you know how difficult it is to put a mask on and make others’ happy? It’s tough, but not impossible. I have proven that to myself. I don’t get why a person like myself can have so much self-hatred– how I can be hiking at the Grand Canyon and want to jump into the crevasse. It is illogical. And the reason I do not is because I do love my family and these feelings are fleeting in intensity. It’s a situation where the endless dark hole of animosity towards myself goes deeper into the valley than other times. Medication, therapy and psychiatry have proved to be useless…. So, I suppose that love is the cure to everything 🙂