Happy Halloween. Or I thought it would be, at least. I am all dressed up along with my 50 pound Australian Shepherd. Yet, it’s not a Happy Halloween after all Thought it would be… but despite my girlfriend not being able to accompany my niece and co. I also learned that my parents sold my car. What can I say? After learning I had irreparable issues involving vision– I said in frustration that I could never drive again. Turns out, I do not believe that to be true with the right prescription–optically. Yet, they sold my car without talking to me. At all.
Oh well, what can you do after something is done? Nothing. I am angry and hurt, but holding grudges are for the weak. I can’t buy a new car…. do NOT live in a big city…. and have no idea where to go from here. I’m pretty much officially screwed, to put it crudely.
I had a wonderful experience at my therapy session this morning, thankfully. He tells me how intelligent, affable and likeable I am– yet, he says that he needs to see me weekly because he worries about me. My confidence is my biggest concern of his. He does not like the fact that I have not looked in the mirror in 3 years–nor that I just loathe everything about myself. I am the worst. I try so hard to be what everyone expects or wants me to be. But, I just can’t. I have no ability to be what the majority believe to be “normal.” That’ll never be me. Despite what anyone says- I will always be a little bit off-kilter. My personality and genetic makeup are what they are. I can make the most of it and manipulate it to a degree. However, believing in a transformation of mind and soul is…. an idea for some person who lives on the outside of the harbor of my soul. I’m not pessimistic in regards to my outlook, but I do not think I can assimilate to the world of normalcy. Nor do I want to, in many ways.
I am learning who I am at twenty-seven. I am unable to devise from the cowardliness demeanor that I have always inhabited. It’s embedded in my skin and runs through my veins. It’s entirely unbearable, but I can only attempt to change. Regardless of what others think of as normal– those who scoff at the ones who cannot at all function in the same manner– we fucking do have those issues. I’m a reclusive, reticent, insecure nerd. I dropped out shortly before graduating, I have zero friends outside of my girlfriend of almost 4 years, and withhold myself from dealing with my family who lives across town. I’m ridiculously afraid of judgment and criticism. I’m scared. I have no reason to be. I have no malice evident in my relatives at all. I just fear it. I deserve it. I should have been better. But, I am who I am. I have the ability to rise above what my current expectations are for myself. That gives me hope. Hope is the most important ridge to cling to. I can deal with that. It’s all up to me. Peace out. 🙂