Looking back on the past is always an excuse to give a cliche statement of, “Hindsight is 20-20”). To be fair, ofttimes it’s an accurate sentiment of trial errors, ebbs and flows, ups and downs. But, for me– it’s also literal. For my snowball situations led me into a state where I can no longer function as an average person (however you define that). I have almost no ability to read anything unless my nose is touched to a book or screen. Fortunately, I am able to, more often than not, guess the words because I recognized some of them around it…. context clues. That helps.
I’d be remiss to say that I’m not incredibly angry at this. I’m 27– 27 on December 29th, and I now have to live with such a stigma…. such a disability for the rest of my life. It’s a tough pil to swallow– and I would know, because I take 12-15 a day. It’s difficult for me to find any meaning left for my existence. I’m not helping, but hindering. And I never stepped out to do that. I never came into this world, struggling through school to obtain a 4.0GPA and top of my class for this. I just fell apart. It’s no one’s fault. It’s just…. I was a ticking time bomb. Combination of volatile attributes from genetics that were never meant to become a TNT. However, they did. It’s not just my DN, it’s also the cognitive behavior, stubbornness, cockiness, insolence, inability to pay attention to any positive feedback, petulance, and the overwhelming desire to wish that I had not been born. A lot of factors led me to this place.
I still have no idea what kind of career I can muster up without someone taking a leap of faith with me. I’m 27 and bored out of my mind with the life around me (besides Meg). I m not meant to be forming an indent in a couch cushion watching re-runs. I am meant for better, because I am SMARTER this. The instigation and indoctrination, initiation is horrifyingly crippling to me. However, what good is life in pain and hiding when I could have fear and a new challenge on the horizon? I have to keep my chins up, because those who actually know me…. know I’m worth it.