I don’t write much anymore.  There is a litany and myriad of reasons for this– which I would have written if I didn’t suffer  from the same reasons I do not blog 😛   I gave up on this as an outlet eons ago.  It came back to haunt me.  It got me sent to a psych ward.  And that should always be someones own choice.   I am not upset, nor holding ill will towards the individuals that sent me there- and certainly not my fellow INMATES, which is what we were.  Hell, I was forced to hug a creepy large teddy bear when they made me talk.   I had to sleep in a room with a 1970’s era shower that was avocado green– and I’m sure I caught something from it.  I had a roommate who had been in that facility over 6 times.  She would just lay on the bed and stare at me.  I had a nerdy boy fall in love with m.  I had a lot of fun experiences there– (shoal creek in austin btw)

But, that’s not why I write this morning.  My heart is fracturing.  And it has nothing to do with my beautiful fiance.  She and my parents keep bandaging my battered insides.   I am learning to cope with things, but at the same time I am fighting the face of failure.   All of the things I should have and could have accomplished.  I have to stare those issues in the eye daily.  I’m not OK with the lack of success.   I fucked up.  I did it.  I have no one to blame, but my self.   And I m scared of the future.  I am absolutely petrified.  But, I don’t want to die.  I just want to be struck by lightning in a figurative sense and be reborn with a new outlook.  I already have a fucking hard life’s path– I’m an unattractive disgusting looking lesbian, who is engaged to a woman, who dropped out of college 3 semesters pre-maturely, who has cheated on her past girl friends to avoid a break-up, who doesn’t have a job and who is now blind.  All I have now is my lack of confidence.  I am so fucked up, that I wake up into the eyes of my fiance every day and tear up.  I don’t know why someone would take a chance on a person with such limited resources and so many problems.  To say that I am blessed is an understatement.  If there is a God– I may have pulled the Joker out of the deck, but I was granted a Royal Flush.   So many people have reached their hand out to me– and I can never properly shake their paws with proper gratitude.  Every gesture is important.  Every gesture can change someone’s life.  And every gesture can SAVE someone’s.  Remember that. 🙂  Love you all.


About littlelostsunny

Lost inside her mind. Inspired to blog because if not the thoughts start to control my life. I needed an outlet.

Posted on September 5, 2013, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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