I don’t write much anymore. There is a litany and myriad of reasons for this– which I would have written if I didn’t suffer from the same reasons I do not blog 😛 I gave up on this as an outlet eons ago. It came back to haunt me. It got me sent to a psych ward. And that should always be someones own choice. I am not upset, nor holding ill will towards the individuals that sent me there- and certainly not my fellow INMATES, which is what we were. Hell, I was forced to hug a creepy large teddy bear when they made me talk. I had to sleep in a room with a 1970’s era shower that was avocado green– and I’m sure I caught something from it. I had a roommate who had been in that facility over 6 times. She would just lay on the bed and stare at me. I had a nerdy boy fall in love with m. I had a lot of fun experiences there– (shoal creek in austin btw)
But, that’s not why I write this morning. My heart is fracturing. And it has nothing to do with my beautiful fiance. She and my parents keep bandaging my battered insides. I am learning to cope with things, but at the same time I am fighting the face of failure. All of the things I should have and could have accomplished. I have to stare those issues in the eye daily. I’m not OK with the lack of success. I fucked up. I did it. I have no one to blame, but my self. And I m scared of the future. I am absolutely petrified. But, I don’t want to die. I just want to be struck by lightning in a figurative sense and be reborn with a new outlook. I already have a fucking hard life’s path– I’m an unattractive disgusting looking lesbian, who is engaged to a woman, who dropped out of college 3 semesters pre-maturely, who has cheated on her past girl friends to avoid a break-up, who doesn’t have a job and who is now blind. All I have now is my lack of confidence. I am so fucked up, that I wake up into the eyes of my fiance every day and tear up. I don’t know why someone would take a chance on a person with such limited resources and so many problems. To say that I am blessed is an understatement. If there is a God– I may have pulled the Joker out of the deck, but I was granted a Royal Flush. So many people have reached their hand out to me– and I can never properly shake their paws with proper gratitude. Every gesture is important. Every gesture can change someone’s life. And every gesture can SAVE someone’s. Remember that. 🙂 Love you all.