Ruminations and Celebrations.

Eyes blurred, the pupils unable to focus on a single item, without crawling into a letter or object directly in front of me.  I’ve been this way for weeks. I’ve been slightly astimatic for years, but  with prescription-ware have never had any issue with seeing.  Now… I cannot see anything–even with squinting. It’s as if as if a fog has permanently taken residence upon the insides of my pupils.  Couple that with a keyboard that sticks as though it went to a dollar theater on a Saturday night and stepped on every spilled soda and piece of gum glued to the ground and you have an idea of how this usually very adept typist is having  a difficult time constructing this post.

Honestly,  I could type faster   and more eloquently using an iphone…yet… I don’t have an iphone… or any a cell phone. Or a car.  Or a lap top. Or a job. Or a degree. Or a house.  Or a life of friends.  Or money. Or any  luxury.   I have nothing, but curiosity.  and the ability to find happiness every day. I shouldn’t. I should revel in this pit of despair that I have dug myself.  I should be lamenting and wasting away inside of my bell jar. It’s unsettling, but knowing that the good things that I have are beyond what most will ever have the opportunity of experiencing–is….somehow comforting– like those cocoon sleeping bags or a coffin… no, wait, scratch the coffin… substitute that with cuddling with a person you love. yes, that sounds more normal. 😛

No one will know what it’s like to have a family like mine.  No one will know my mom, my dad, my sister,my  niece,my girlfriend, my brother-in-law….. nor my girlfriend.  No one will know my dog. Not the way that I do.  Ever since I was a child…. when an anagram for my name was required as a class assignment…     the “u” was always going to stand for “unique.”

Anyways, as previously mentioned–I can’t type much because I will throw this key board into something out of frustration.  But,I’ve seen some clever and well-planned engagement/proposal videos the past two days.  One straight, one lesbian….                                                                                                                                                                     

And, then I had a friend tell me about all the romantic and fancy things they are able to do in their life– and for a moment… I was jealous and felt  as though I wasn’t  worth my fiance’s time (or even their  companionship). She can and does deserve better.  I’m really just a no one.I’m someone who was always waiting for something to interest me, but never had any true passions in life that were truly attainable.  Not for someone with my talent or skills set.  I’m so smart, but in all the wrong areas.

I have grown up in a different world than so many.  I love the lower middle-class.  I love not having to know where to put a napkin on my lap, or what different wines taste like,  or how to arrange silver ware, or that I’ve never had a plate of  food over $10.   I have no qualms with putting elbows on the table, laughing at dinner, never having steak or lobster or otherwise being….normal.  I am not, no will not,nor ever want to be rich, stuck up,snobby, or upper class.  I am perfectly fine being stuck in the middle. I love being polite, giving good tips, making people’s day, holding doors open, giving compliments, helping others, being therefor people, loving everyone….. just don’t ever make me go some place fancy 😛

So…. my proposal…. went like this…Christmas Eve on 2011.

Right in front of my parent’s decked out Christmas tree with the ridiculous amount  of gifts below it.  All lit up.  I had spent a long time the day before cutting the pages of a collected book of Edgar Allan Poe book of poetry…. a square–through all the pages–to tie a ring into the page where our poem was:  She had it tattooed on her upper thigh right after she met me….

Annabel Lee

It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of ANNABEL LEE;
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love that was more than love-
I and my Annabel Lee;
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,
In this kingdom by the sea,
A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling
My beautiful Annabel Lee;
So that her highborn kinsman came
And bore her away from me,
To shut her up in a sepulchre
In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me-
Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love
Of those who were older than we-
Of many far wiser than we-
And neither the angels in heaven above,
Nor the demons down under the sea,
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee.

For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes
Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;
And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side
Of my darling- my darling- my life and my bride,
In the sepulchre there by the sea,
In her tomb by the sounding sea.


Eyes, watering…. Hands shaking, Lips trembling…. Words almost incapable of coming out….I some  how was able to read the words I had so shoddily constructed. If only I could redo them… But, here they are–in their sad, last minute…nervously scribbled form….

I wanted this moment to be special. To be something that you remember and cherish forever– a story so magical that you would relay it to you children… our children.. countless times  throughout the years.  However, I eventually came to terms with the fact that I could never live up to my own expectations of showing you exactly  how much you mean to me and how much I want this.  Every idea no matter how elaborate, expensive or expansive fell short in my eyes.  But know that my intentions are true, real ad emotionally charged no matter how simple,or subdued  they all might  seem at this moment in time. I hope that despite this I can still deliver your dream proposal.

For me, no action I could portray could ever come close to being ear as memorable as the seemingly insignificant, nothing of seeing you smile or of getting to clasp your hand in mind and knowing that each touch shared between use us always more important than either of us let on . Just  watching your eyes light up when you catch my gaze is enough to be an instance that I live for.

As much of a technicality as you and I both know that this is, it still signifies the beginning of a new chapter in our lives together.  This makes e v everything more real, Megan.  Everything that we have worked so hard for, everything we have struggled so mightily to achieve, everything those around us have said that we could not, should not, and would not and won’t do, all become true  tonight.

And my God, this is what I’ve wanted since the day that first met you.  Cliche, but you know it’s true.

Of, course, with us nothing is achieved without blood, sweat and a lot of tears. But, the ones that I shed these days are not inced by pain but the ecstasy and excitement I feel at the thought of a life together.  Even now, just sitting here, writing this out, there is an orchestra playing music inside my head.  You are composing the soundtrack to my sheer existence and let me say that each  note is more magnificent than the last.

I am who I am because of you.The path that has, up until this point, been so jumbled and obscured by uncertainties has no fallen  perfectly into place,. And it’s all because of you.  You are my queen, my savior, my angel, my best friend, my role model.  My everything.  And now.  I ask of you to be my wife.

Megan Elizabeth Strohecker, would you do me the honor of making me literally the happiest girl in the entire world on this Christmas Eve?  Will you accept this ring as my promise to remain loyal,true and                        your life long partner through whatever trials and tribulations that life may deal us?



Posted on July 11, 2013, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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