Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes I also ponder the concept of if we have control over our destiny or fate–or if it’s completely out of our control. I always said it was not in our hands, but while I still believe that in a sense there are are occasions, where stars align and can shine light on what was otherwise darkness. Perhaps endless darkness.
This is when you realize that not everything is the worst.
I’ve hurt myself many times in the past. Sometimes cognizant–sometimes in a state of inebriation. But, I never meant to end the suffering permanently–just temporarily taking the concentration off of the plague that is my existence. Until yesterday…. I decided how and when I would exit this world. Knowing that it would irreparably damage my fiance and parents. I would destroy them, but they would recover and be better off in the long run.
I have spent the past week in bed–trying to sleep off this ailment that I can not seem to rid myself of. It seems trivial to those who have never endured the inner demons that I’ve lived with for years. I can’t explain to you what that is like. I can’t keep losing friends because of drunken tirades that I hurl their way– or using them as therapists. I’ve had actual therapists. I prefer using my friends as punching bags, apparently. That’s wrong of me.
But, I have a fiance who loves me no matter what. She would gladly be my punching bag. Or maybe I just need a punching bag.
The timing of things is so crucial. I slit my wrists and dug a razor blade into my leg on my girlfriend’s 25th birthday. While she was in the shower. I had to get twelve stitches in my upper thigh. I’ve had the same amount in my neck when I used a razor blade to slit it. Nicked the carotid artery. Went to a psych ward. It seems selfish. And to a degree it is. I hope no one else knows the mental or physical pain that those with these ailments go through. But, back to the issue of timing. My best friend, who lived around the block from me, that I met just randomly when I was 8 years old… just when we ran into each other walking down the same street….. I met him then and we were inseparable until he was my prom date my senior year and I bailed at the last minute. This was of course the Social Anxiety making decisions. But, I broke a heart. Not just his, but mine as well…. because I lost a friend. It’s been nine years since I spoke with him. I sent him a video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSmE0BBOwSg Just like I sent him a “happy birthday” on October 24th. He remembers mine, too. He responded with a video of a song that we used to sing together in the car. First I’ve heard from him in so long. I cried. I miss him so much. I learned that he had feelings for me that I was too naive and innocent to understand. And as gay as I am, I would have reciprocated them. He was and is that special. He deserves everything good to happen to him. I’m in love. I hope he finds that and I’m thrilled he accepted my apologies. But, the call he gave to me today saved me from an inevitably tragic ending. Right time. Right place. I owe him indefinitely. I can honestly say that right now he is my only friend. It’s tough to be friends with people who appear to not attempt to help themselves. I know this. I live with it daily.