Sometimes life is more difficult than other times. That is a natural and normal feeling. We have ups and downs. Unfortunately, despite the support of so many…. I have never been able to dust myself off and pick myself up. I’m lost. I’m tired. I see no light at the end of the esoteric tunnel. But, maybe I do at the tunnel to the end of life. I have tried methods of treatment and none have worked for me. And most recently, I have not only lost someone that could have been a good friend in the future, due to extremely inappropriate attempts at complimenting in a way that would, and perhaps intentionally, appear to be an attempt to woo someone. Thus, breaking the love of my life’s heart and labeling me a cheater on someone I have been faithful to for three wonderful years. Something that has destroyed everything I found decent or respectable about myself. I am a hideous beast. I wake up every morning thinking…. “Who would or could love me?” I haven’t looked in a mirror in years. I have my fiance pluck my eyebrows. I put on make-up and shower in the dark. I have always had image issues. That’s nothing new. However, in a moment of drunken weakness, I confessed feelings to a crush I had years ago. I wanted someone who I had been told I was pretty to previously to want to recite those words again. It was selfish and inane (and insane). And I regret every word, of which I have not re-read since posted. I want them out of my life forever. Not the person. The deplorable nature of my actions.
I didn’t graduate college because I lost my mind. And I almost lost my girlfriend because of my own insecurities. I do not deserve anything from anyone and hate when I get compliments because I did not earn them. Everyone messes up. But, not everyone messes up in the same way as me. My action occurred with absolutely no consideration for anyone else. That is my flaw and fault. I’ve felt this way even during my 3 month sober period. I can’t shake the self-hatred. I’ve always been critical of myself and have expectations of perfection and superman-type capabilities. –and believe I could have achieved them. I am a special person with distinct quirks and traits that are not unlikable. But, I err. I am human.
And just typing this blog, I realize that all I talk about is myself. My inability to realize that I have any affect whatsoever on others is perhaps my biggest mistake and it’s become an enormous and indescribably sized scar that’s grown on both my heart and my body. I am sorry for all whom I have hurt. Sorry actually isn’t a strong enough term in this instance. All I feel is remorse. My one emotion these days. I lament the fact that I even exist. It kills me that I am with this perfect impeccable woman, whom I do not and will never deserve, and can’t accept her apparent sincerity with her declarations of love. It destroys me that I’ve destroyed so many with my mental instabilities. Sorry is not enough. I have lost everything due to issues that I couldn’t always or ever control. I had potential, but that train left the station the moment I decided to be an independent free spirit. My heart is too big, my conscience too small and my lack of confidence far too large to find a proper synonym for. I guess the RMS Titanic would be an appropriate comparison. The unsinkable ship. The largest ever. The one that killed and harmed many. That’s me. That’s how much potential I had and lost because of an illness that I never asked for–nor ever wanted. Just like I never asked to be born. But, we can’t always control our destiny. We can try and alter it. The problem being that we can’t navigate it in the direction we deserve sometimes. There are icebergs out there that sink all expectations and dreams…. often, it’s our own doing by action, but not because it was our desire.
Virginia Woolf’s suicide note says it best: “I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think two people could have been happier ’til this terrible disease came. I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can’t even write this properly. I can’t read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer. I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been. V.”