I hate my life.

So, sleeping is hard these days.  I went 5 days with no more than 2 hours of sleep.  It’s not a medical issue, per se.  But one caused by heavy drinking.  Yes, drinking can be a sedative–but, if you abuse it…. it becomes an issue that causes insomnia.  It’s frustrating to watch your partner fall asleep within 3 minutes, where as you wait 6 hours.   I get so lonely.  I understand that she works 5 days a week.  She deserves the sleep.  It breaks my heart that I am incapable of doing the same.

Some things about me are impossible to change.  I have been prescribed a litany of drugs throughout the past 9 years.   Even taking them religiously… I couldn’t find one that helped.  I’ve been to therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, nurse practitioners, family doctors and even the ER.   Nothing helps.

I still suffer from extreme social anxiety, a fear to leave the house, and alcoholism.  I have for 4 years now.  The anxiety dates back to when I was in 1st grade.  I don’t know the root cause of it, but I do know that it has ruined my life.  I am a bright, 27 year old… I should be excelling at something.  I graduated with a 4.0 GPA (back when that was the highest you could get).  I took all AP classes.  I was on the Dean’s List my first year in college.  And then I just broke.  I never made any friends.  I have my best friend’s from HS who have deleted me from all social media.

I attribute much of this to my liberal leanings.  But, to be fair–I don’t judge anyone based on their conservative view points.  So, it’s a little unfair.  I know that I have made life harder for myself by coming out as gay.  But, that’s a small price to pay when you realize that you are in a 3 year relationship with your best friend, the most beautiful woman in the world, and your romantic soul mate.   I can’t help it.  Anyone would make the same decision when they realized how magnificent someone was.

However, as with many things in life… sometimes the best virtues can bring a heavy burden.  Think of all the lottery curses… I guess some of us nutcases have the ability to ruin our good fortune.  I am one of those.  But, to be fair… I was drinking heavily before I knew her.  I didn’t know how to be social without liquor in my system.   I still don’t.

But, right now I am a mess.  I have always had a highly addictive personality.  Growing up it was sports and school.  Then it was anorexia and the dire obsession to be thin.  I lost 60 pounds in a year.  I assume I just have a preoccupation with being attractive.  And now at 27 I do not have that anymore.  No attractiveness.  I’m thrilled my Megs still loves me.  She takes care of me in so many ways it’s ridiculous.  Then, after that, I turned into a binge eater–one who would take an emetic to vomit all the food up.

Now, I’m an alcoholic.  I just went to a doctor for Librium.  After 1 ER trip (which cost 1,000 dollars in ambulance fees alone… I live in the same parking lot as the hospital).  And then a another withdrawal seizure that has left a knot on the side of my head that may not ever go away.

I haven’t worked in 2 years.  I can’t afford finishing my degree.  I can’t afford the basic things that we need in life…. a couch, a comforter, my dog to get spayed and her tooth issue resolved.   We did get a 40 dollar vacuum.  We also need new sheets.  A washer and dryer.  And a microwave replaced.  We can’t even afford rent.  Life sucks.

The only respite I receive is when Meg comes home at night.  Otherwise I am left alone talking to the dog all day.  I can’t leave the house because I don’t want people to see me so hideous.  Thus, I just take the dog and trash out when a moment of confidence and courage hits me.  And that’s it.  It’s not fun… and I cry every day because I hate the person that I have become…. and I lament that it happened to me.

And…. I have been to a psychiatric ward… and I do not recommend ever going to Shoal Creek in Austin.  Worst experience of my life… and I have a lot.

So, in conclusion…. I don’t think I have any more options available.  I don’t believe in God…. so a 12 step program is out.  I don’t have any friends…. so that’s not an option…. I’m desperate.  I want to change.  I want to be better. I just hate myself so much that it’s absurd.  I haven’t looked in a mirror in about six months.  That’s approaching (or reached) insane territory.  I just don’t want to peer into the eyes of someone who has reached crazy town.  And!  I’m losing insurance soon.  So, that’s fun.  The end.

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About littlelostsunny

Lost inside her mind. Inspired to blog because if not the thoughts start to control my life. I needed an outlet.

Posted on March 2, 2013, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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