I hate my life.
So, sleeping is hard these days. I went 5 days with no more than 2 hours of sleep. It’s not a medical issue, per se. But one caused by heavy drinking. Yes, drinking can be a sedative–but, if you abuse it…. it becomes an issue that causes insomnia. It’s frustrating to watch your partner fall asleep within 3 minutes, where as you wait 6 hours. I get so lonely. I understand that she works 5 days a week. She deserves the sleep. It breaks my heart that I am incapable of doing the same.
Some things about me are impossible to change. I have been prescribed a litany of drugs throughout the past 9 years. Even taking them religiously… I couldn’t find one that helped. I’ve been to therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, nurse practitioners, family doctors and even the ER. Nothing helps.
I still suffer from extreme social anxiety, a fear to leave the house, and alcoholism. I have for 4 years now. The anxiety dates back to when I was in 1st grade. I don’t know the root cause of it, but I do know that it has ruined my life. I am a bright, 27 year old… I should be excelling at something. I graduated with a 4.0 GPA (back when that was the highest you could get). I took all AP classes. I was on the Dean’s List my first year in college. And then I just broke. I never made any friends. I have my best friend’s from HS who have deleted me from all social media.
I attribute much of this to my liberal leanings. But, to be fair–I don’t judge anyone based on their conservative view points. So, it’s a little unfair. I know that I have made life harder for myself by coming out as gay. But, that’s a small price to pay when you realize that you are in a 3 year relationship with your best friend, the most beautiful woman in the world, and your romantic soul mate. I can’t help it. Anyone would make the same decision when they realized how magnificent someone was.
However, as with many things in life… sometimes the best virtues can bring a heavy burden. Think of all the lottery curses… I guess some of us nutcases have the ability to ruin our good fortune. I am one of those. But, to be fair… I was drinking heavily before I knew her. I didn’t know how to be social without liquor in my system. I still don’t.
But, right now I am a mess. I have always had a highly addictive personality. Growing up it was sports and school. Then it was anorexia and the dire obsession to be thin. I lost 60 pounds in a year. I assume I just have a preoccupation with being attractive. And now at 27 I do not have that anymore. No attractiveness. I’m thrilled my Megs still loves me. She takes care of me in so many ways it’s ridiculous. Then, after that, I turned into a binge eater–one who would take an emetic to vomit all the food up.
Now, I’m an alcoholic. I just went to a doctor for Librium. After 1 ER trip (which cost 1,000 dollars in ambulance fees alone… I live in the same parking lot as the hospital). And then a another withdrawal seizure that has left a knot on the side of my head that may not ever go away.
I haven’t worked in 2 years. I can’t afford finishing my degree. I can’t afford the basic things that we need in life…. a couch, a comforter, my dog to get spayed and her tooth issue resolved. We did get a 40 dollar vacuum. We also need new sheets. A washer and dryer. And a microwave replaced. We can’t even afford rent. Life sucks.
The only respite I receive is when Meg comes home at night. Otherwise I am left alone talking to the dog all day. I can’t leave the house because I don’t want people to see me so hideous. Thus, I just take the dog and trash out when a moment of confidence and courage hits me. And that’s it. It’s not fun… and I cry every day because I hate the person that I have become…. and I lament that it happened to me.
And…. I have been to a psychiatric ward… and I do not recommend ever going to Shoal Creek in Austin. Worst experience of my life… and I have a lot.
So, in conclusion…. I don’t think I have any more options available. I don’t believe in God…. so a 12 step program is out. I don’t have any friends…. so that’s not an option…. I’m desperate. I want to change. I want to be better. I just hate myself so much that it’s absurd. I haven’t looked in a mirror in about six months. That’s approaching (or reached) insane territory. I just don’t want to peer into the eyes of someone who has reached crazy town. And! I’m losing insurance soon. So, that’s fun. The end.