I hate my life.

So, sleeping is hard these days.  I went 5 days with no more than 2 hours of sleep.  It’s not a medical issue, per se.  But one caused by heavy drinking.  Yes, drinking can be a sedative–but, if you abuse it…. it becomes an issue that causes insomnia.  It’s frustrating to watch your partner fall asleep within 3 minutes, where as you wait 6 hours.   I get so lonely.  I understand that she works 5 days a week.  She deserves the sleep.  It breaks my heart that I am incapable of doing the same.

Some things about me are impossible to change.  I have been prescribed a litany of drugs throughout the past 9 years.   Even taking them religiously… I couldn’t find one that helped.  I’ve been to therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, nurse practitioners, family doctors and even the ER.   Nothing helps.

I still suffer from extreme social anxiety, a fear to leave the house, and alcoholism.  I have for 4 years now.  The anxiety dates back to when I was in 1st grade.  I don’t know the root cause of it, but I do know that it has ruined my life.  I am a bright, 27 year old… I should be excelling at something.  I graduated with a 4.0 GPA (back when that was the highest you could get).  I took all AP classes.  I was on the Dean’s List my first year in college.  And then I just broke.  I never made any friends.  I have my best friend’s from HS who have deleted me from all social media.

I attribute much of this to my liberal leanings.  But, to be fair–I don’t judge anyone based on their conservative view points.  So, it’s a little unfair.  I know that I have made life harder for myself by coming out as gay.  But, that’s a small price to pay when you realize that you are in a 3 year relationship with your best friend, the most beautiful woman in the world, and your romantic soul mate.   I can’t help it.  Anyone would make the same decision when they realized how magnificent someone was.

However, as with many things in life… sometimes the best virtues can bring a heavy burden.  Think of all the lottery curses… I guess some of us nutcases have the ability to ruin our good fortune.  I am one of those.  But, to be fair… I was drinking heavily before I knew her.  I didn’t know how to be social without liquor in my system.   I still don’t.

But, right now I am a mess.  I have always had a highly addictive personality.  Growing up it was sports and school.  Then it was anorexia and the dire obsession to be thin.  I lost 60 pounds in a year.  I assume I just have a preoccupation with being attractive.  And now at 27 I do not have that anymore.  No attractiveness.  I’m thrilled my Megs still loves me.  She takes care of me in so many ways it’s ridiculous.  Then, after that, I turned into a binge eater–one who would take an emetic to vomit all the food up.

Now, I’m an alcoholic.  I just went to a doctor for Librium.  After 1 ER trip (which cost 1,000 dollars in ambulance fees alone… I live in the same parking lot as the hospital).  And then a another withdrawal seizure that has left a knot on the side of my head that may not ever go away.

I haven’t worked in 2 years.  I can’t afford finishing my degree.  I can’t afford the basic things that we need in life…. a couch, a comforter, my dog to get spayed and her tooth issue resolved.   We did get a 40 dollar vacuum.  We also need new sheets.  A washer and dryer.  And a microwave replaced.  We can’t even afford rent.  Life sucks.

The only respite I receive is when Meg comes home at night.  Otherwise I am left alone talking to the dog all day.  I can’t leave the house because I don’t want people to see me so hideous.  Thus, I just take the dog and trash out when a moment of confidence and courage hits me.  And that’s it.  It’s not fun… and I cry every day because I hate the person that I have become…. and I lament that it happened to me.

And…. I have been to a psychiatric ward… and I do not recommend ever going to Shoal Creek in Austin.  Worst experience of my life… and I have a lot.

So, in conclusion…. I don’t think I have any more options available.  I don’t believe in God…. so a 12 step program is out.  I don’t have any friends…. so that’s not an option…. I’m desperate.  I want to change.  I want to be better. I just hate myself so much that it’s absurd.  I haven’t looked in a mirror in about six months.  That’s approaching (or reached) insane territory.  I just don’t want to peer into the eyes of someone who has reached crazy town.  And!  I’m losing insurance soon.  So, that’s fun.  The end.


About littlelostsunny

Lost inside her mind. Inspired to blog because if not the thoughts start to control my life. I needed an outlet.

Posted on March 2, 2013, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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