I’m sorry. I’m not anyone but me.

This world can eat up and spit you out.  You may never know where you will end up next.  It’s literally a throw of the die.  No, that is not indicative of our future, but a pluralized version of two dice.  I have run through the gamut of relationships.  Unlike many– I stuck to my guns and decided that less was more.  I have always been one to try and persevere through times of triumph or tragedy.  I think that, in comparison to most, I have experienced triumph–albeit in a biased way.

I was a co-valedictorian from a 5-A Texas school with a 4.0 (which is the highest you could get at the time), coupled with a 1st team All-District recognition in basketball, a Defensive Player of the Year honor as  a Junior, and 3 years as a starter on the Varsity basketball team.

I blew out my knee around the time of my birthday during my senior year at a tournament at a  school called Grapevine in the Dallas area of Texas.  It was the worst period of my life.  And that means a lot.  I was in more pain than I ever have been.  I went to doctor after doctor growing up because of my lung issue–and no one could ever figure out.  But, this hit me hard.  I was team captain and I couldn’t play anymore. I tried to come back, but was never the same.  I couldn’t play the same type of defense or offense I had in the past. But, boy I tried. It has affected me ever since.  I can’t do a left hand lay-up without it giving out.  I can’t do a squat without me needing assistance.  Yet, the doctors’ can’t pinpoint the problem.  I got a cortisone shot years ago and I’ve had PT and still know my limitations.  I have to do lunges in a certain way and have to walk pigeon toed if I go up or down stairs.  And now–I am paranoid to try anything new.

Why?  Because my entire body is broken.  I was told several months back that I had a bone spur in my left shoulder, a military neck and a herniated/bulging disc on my C5 and C6 vertebrae.  No reason for this.  I’ve fortunately never been in a car wreck, never had any whiplash, never had a sports neck injury, etc.  But, this is who I am.  I was the unlucky one.  It happens.  At least I am alive.

Unfortunately, though, I am an alcoholic.  I drink every day.  My liver is failing.  And I can’t kick the habit. What else is there to do when you are anxious, physically degenerative, without a car  and a  pain stricken solitary piece of mess.  There really isn’t much. If you read the news–you saw how the Rocket’s rookie, the anxious one who can’t fly or play in front of crowds, has been absent…. is getting demoted?  That’s how it feels.  We can’t do it.  It’s a waste of talent.  We can’t change who we are because no one has come up with that type of cure.  If you get locked up in a psych ward… you, an anxious person, are locked up with nothing but strangers.  They think that exposure is helpful.  Ha.  I’ve done it. Won’t do it involuntarily again.  It would make me leave the country.  I would never speak to anyone involved again.  I’d probably drown myself.

There has to be more focus put on mental health.  I read the news 24/7.  I read it literally that much… I don’t sleep anymore… because I hear things all the time.  So, I keep up with the blotter.  And mental illness is the main reason that we have so many unnecessary deaths.  I blame it on the fact that medical care is too expensive and that people do not take seriously.  It is serious.  It is extremely serious.  I understand that most cannot fathom it without experiencing it… but, it has ruined my life.  I wish I had never been born.  So, say that we need to grow up or stop being a baby… doesn’t help.  I have a lot to give.  I just don’t have the means to give it, yet.

But, I will.  I have lived through a lot in the last 7 years.  Addiction, Anorexia, Avoidance, Bipolar, Borderline, Bulimia, etc.

I do have advice.  But, I also like advice.  Thanks.


About littlelostsunny

Lost inside her mind. Inspired to blog because if not the thoughts start to control my life. I needed an outlet.

Posted on November 15, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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