There are nights and moments you wish to forget.   There are times that you say things you don’t mean or don’t say things that you mean.  Tonight, for me, was one of those nights.  I sit here now–alone.  I’m surrounded by nothing but the laugh tracks of idiotic laugh tracks, the sound of carbonation in my soda can, and that eerie sound of silence.   But, for me… I never truly understand the term “white noise,” for I live next to a hospital–literally in the same parking lot as the main hospital for Conroe.  I hear ambulances, fire trucks, and police cars all night.  They comfort me.

But, so far, tonight… nothing.

Right now…nothing but the clock ticks.

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

It keeps informing me that time is passing, but I’m not resting.  I’ve ignored it for almost a year–why start now?   This is my way of ignoring that which I cannot and should not ignore.  I am getting older.

I went trick-or-treating with my niece the other evening.  She is going to be two on December 23rd.  Two years old.  What kind of future will she be prescribed to endure?  Who knows?  But, that is a question for a different blog.   However, I stated at one point…. how old I felt….  And my sister immediately retorted with, “Well, you are old now.”  And I realized that she is, in fact, correct.  I am old.  I am almost twenty-six years old and have absolutely nothing worthwhile in my life.

I almost vomited at the knowledge of this fact.   I have, literally, wasted the last eight years of life trying to “find myself.”  So far, I’ve come up with nothing.

This is entirely humorous–because I look at my facebook friends and realize that everyone I knew in H.S. has a prestigious job and a enviable degree.  O.K.  For those who don’t know… I was a 4.0 GPA graduate in all AP classes from a 5-A high school in Texas.  I had the credentials to survive in this competitive world, but didn’t get far enough to show my peacock wings.  I just gave up.

Yeah.  I worked really hard for that co-valedictorian status.  Then, I quit.  It wasn’t something planned.  It wasn’t something I was encouraged to do.  It wasn’t even something that I even wanted.   It just happened.  You ever see the film “Series of Unfortunate Events?” No?  Well.  That was me.

A series of unfortunate events.

One)  Feel unloved and ugly.

Two) Become anorexic

Three) Drop Out because Too Skinny

Four) Start up at A&M

Five) Come Out

Six) Become Gay and Anorexic

Seven) Go to England on Parent’s tuition

Eight) **** School

Nine) Unemployed, sad, and, and disinterested in everything

Ten) Sign me up for the Hunger Games.

Seriously…. I’ve wasted all my time here.  I have so much left to give but no admirable or effective way to give it…?  I want to help everyone, but no one can inform how to make a living while helping.  I watch these shows on National Geographic or other comparable channels about those who give their entire lives to aiding in the rescue, rehabilitation and subsequent adoption of dogs/cats…. but, I cannot seem to find the venue to do that.  I certainly do not have the money to donate–nor the ability to donate unpaid hours to the cause.   But, that’s all I want to do.   All I want to do is help.  All I want to do is help those who have no voice–whether it be children or animals.  It makes no difference.

So, anyone reading this blog–I’ve been faced with many adversaries… I’ve been the victim of domestic abuse.  I’ve been the victim of rape.  I’ve been the victim of infidelity.  I’ve been the victim of a lot of things.  But, I’ve never been wronged by a dog or a cat that I hadn’t earned it from.  I’ve been bitten by dogs and cats, but only by those that never had a chance to be properly socialized.   So, I’d love to help.  Any where and how in East-Texas area.  I lost a dog, “White Dog,” to the “system.”  And I want to prevent that happening again.  Ask me about her, if you wish.  🙂  Thanks!  And… Gig’ Em Ags!



About littlelostsunny

Lost inside her mind. Inspired to blog because if not the thoughts start to control my life. I needed an outlet.

Posted on November 4, 2011, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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