I did not sleep well last night. Meg and I did have a wonderful evening yesterday, but I could not stay asleep for very long. At one point I noticed that I had a recurrent staph infection popping up on my back (probably due to the recent hobby of running in the mid-day heat and the subsequent sweat build-up). That started to worry me… probably more than it should have, but hey, it was the middle of the night.

I then woke up three or four more times–once out of hunger, which I rectified with a couple of handfuls of cinnamon chex, a glass of vanilla soy milk, and a rice cake with pb&j on it. Until finally eight o’clock rolled around and I awoke to Megan working furiously on the computer…. initially thinking it was important–and then realizing she had been up playing video games and was looking up strategies *smacks head*. I love my dorkasaurous!

So, I went back to sleep until ONE! Jeez. I am still tired too. My body is unhappy with me for something. True, we don’t sleep much at night. We really don’t. But, I have not been one to sleep until the afternoon since my high school days.

But, I woke up in a shitty mood and continued to be in a shitty mood the remainder of the day. It’s not that I am mad. I’m not upset, mad, angry, etc. I’m just in this weird, distant, “I need space but dont’ know why” mood. I can’t think of things to talk about to Megan. I can’t think of anything interesting to converse about. And I certainly can’t think of anything to actually go out and do.

I applied for numerous jobs that I don’t really want today. I submitted applications at HEB, Ulta, and a couple other weird random places. I’m desperate at this point. Meg probably got a job at this coffee shop across the street called Mugwall’s, which means she’s going to be gone all the time and I will be stuck here. I can’t handle that. It’s not that I’m a threat to myself. I’ll just be bored as fuck. I can’t be alone because I already feel that my brain is atrophying from lack of stimulation.

Today I was so freaking bored and Ashtin was planning her wedding… Meg was playing video games… the cat just bothers me… and I have no hobby or avenue in which to indulge my attention. So, I cleaned. I clean when I’m bored. How sad is that? I either clean, fill out applications, facebook, or work out. I have nothing else to do.

It’s starting to wear on me.

I avoided Megan most of the day. I see her across the room and want so desperately to connect with her on some level. She is so beautiful. She would literally fall upon the blade of a sword if it was something I commanded. She will do anything for me. And yet… and yet I can’t even give her a word of encouragement or a compliment. She does not know if I’m angry with her or not. She doesn’t know because I can’t explain it. I’m just not ok in my head today. No reason why. I’m just not myself.

So, I bought alcohol. I bought it in hopes that it will snap me out of this funk. I’m drinking too frequently right now. Every other day. It’s not “a problem,” because I don’t have anymore marathons and I dion’t have any more violent/crazy episodes. But, it’s too much of a dependency thing right now.


But, Meg is not mad. She knows it was rough today. I am jealous of her for getting better while I’m left here in the dust starting over at the beginning. We both cycle. And I am at my low points and she is at her high right now. I guess we cycle at the right points now. We are there for each other.

I love her. I will always love her. I just wish she could know that even when I don’t want to spend time with her because my brain prevents me from doing anything other than stare blankly at the ceiling that I STILL LOVE HER. Unconditionally. Without question. For eternity.

Watching movies for the remainder of the day.



About littlelostsunny

Lost inside her mind. Inspired to blog because if not the thoughts start to control my life. I needed an outlet.

Posted on July 15, 2010, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I do see patterns here. I want to wave a magic wand and lift some of the burdens off. However, even if I did that, your boredom with life within small walls would haunt you. If, somehow, a job you felt secure with would open up, some of the pressures that daily thwart you would be lessened. I will keep hoping and praying for this to miraculously occur. Love you.


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