I did not sleep well last night. Meg and I did have a wonderful evening yesterday, but I could not stay asleep for very long. At one point I noticed that I had a recurrent staph infection popping up on my back (probably due to the recent hobby of running in the mid-day heat and the subsequent sweat build-up). That started to worry me… probably more than it should have, but hey, it was the middle of the night.
I then woke up three or four more times–once out of hunger, which I rectified with a couple of handfuls of cinnamon chex, a glass of vanilla soy milk, and a rice cake with pb&j on it. Until finally eight o’clock rolled around and I awoke to Megan working furiously on the computer…. initially thinking it was important–and then realizing she had been up playing video games and was looking up strategies *smacks head*. I love my dorkasaurous!
So, I went back to sleep until ONE! Jeez. I am still tired too. My body is unhappy with me for something. True, we don’t sleep much at night. We really don’t. But, I have not been one to sleep until the afternoon since my high school days.
But, I woke up in a shitty mood and continued to be in a shitty mood the remainder of the day. It’s not that I am mad. I’m not upset, mad, angry, etc. I’m just in this weird, distant, “I need space but dont’ know why” mood. I can’t think of things to talk about to Megan. I can’t think of anything interesting to converse about. And I certainly can’t think of anything to actually go out and do.
I applied for numerous jobs that I don’t really want today. I submitted applications at HEB, Ulta, and a couple other weird random places. I’m desperate at this point. Meg probably got a job at this coffee shop across the street called Mugwall’s, which means she’s going to be gone all the time and I will be stuck here. I can’t handle that. It’s not that I’m a threat to myself. I’ll just be bored as fuck. I can’t be alone because I already feel that my brain is atrophying from lack of stimulation.
Today I was so freaking bored and Ashtin was planning her wedding… Meg was playing video games… the cat just bothers me… and I have no hobby or avenue in which to indulge my attention. So, I cleaned. I clean when I’m bored. How sad is that? I either clean, fill out applications, facebook, or work out. I have nothing else to do.
It’s starting to wear on me.
I avoided Megan most of the day. I see her across the room and want so desperately to connect with her on some level. She is so beautiful. She would literally fall upon the blade of a sword if it was something I commanded. She will do anything for me. And yet… and yet I can’t even give her a word of encouragement or a compliment. She does not know if I’m angry with her or not. She doesn’t know because I can’t explain it. I’m just not ok in my head today. No reason why. I’m just not myself.
So, I bought alcohol. I bought it in hopes that it will snap me out of this funk. I’m drinking too frequently right now. Every other day. It’s not “a problem,” because I don’t have anymore marathons and I dion’t have any more violent/crazy episodes. But, it’s too much of a dependency thing right now.
But, Meg is not mad. She knows it was rough today. I am jealous of her for getting better while I’m left here in the dust starting over at the beginning. We both cycle. And I am at my low points and she is at her high right now. I guess we cycle at the right points now. We are there for each other.
I love her. I will always love her. I just wish she could know that even when I don’t want to spend time with her because my brain prevents me from doing anything other than stare blankly at the ceiling that I STILL LOVE HER. Unconditionally. Without question. For eternity.
Watching movies for the remainder of the day.