I woke up this morning alone in my bed. I can honestly say that this is a rare occasion. It did not feel right. My initial thought was that I had slept-in and Meg was off doing something on her own. I was then instantly irritated that she hadn’t woken me up. I had a job interview scheduled at ten o’clock and was going to be pissed off if she had let me oversleep. I jumped up and ran to the computer to check the time… 8:00am. I was in the clear. Meg’s toothbrush/paste was missing from the bathroom. That was perplexing. I wondered if we had had a fight the previous evening–as both of us had been drinking…not usually a good combination. I found her sleeping on the couch downstairs. Another bad sign.
But, I soon woke her up and realized that she had been sick all night from over-indulging on cheap alcohol. I was hung-over too. But, I felt very loving and adoring towards her. We had a good night. A good good night filled with laughter, playful flirting, and fun times. I honestly just felt bad I had not been awake to help her when she was ill. My heart just sunk at the thought of her sleeping downstairs on the cold tile with no one to hold her and keep her warm. I love her too much to have her be in pain and not doing whatever I can to assuage her.
I went to take a shower so I could begin the process of preparing myself for my impending interview. I was in a good mental place–drowsy, nauseous, and hungry….but mentally sound.
However, it went downhill from there.
I was making myself a breakfast taco, all happy, all smiles, all excited about my new found discovery of mexican food themed healthy meals. And… the cat.. that damned cat jumped on the countertop, which, in and of itself is a pet peeve of mine (har har har) and knocked the freshly purchased container of pico de gallo onto the floor below. Awesome. I was mad about that. But, my mood was still relatively elevated. She annoys the shit out of me. Constantly. However, it wasn’t until I was all dressed and ready to go out the door that she decided to knock a glass off of the island onto the floor.
I was already hating myself for how terrible my body looked today. I am definitely getting fatter and changed clothes forty million times because everything was over-emphasizing my thunderous thighs and distended abdomen. So, when she decided to *bat bat bat* the glass onto the floor MOMENTS before I was leaving…
She effectively decided to *bat bat bat* my brain until it exploded.
Cue rage episode.
I flipped from happy, content and clear-headed to absolutely batshit in a single second. This was a bad episode. I kicked the shit out of the cat’s “ninja box” and started SCREAMING. Screaming at the cat. Then screaming at Megan. And then uttering all sorts of nonsense about how I wanted her to give the cat away (which I do, but would never actually make her go through with), how I wanted to break up with her, how I was tired of this shit happening, how I was going home to my parent’s, how I was not going to the interview, etc. etc. I was attacking her personally because I don’t know how to handle such intense emotions adeptly. I fail at it. I get so worked up…so quickly… that I literally overflow with….feelings that I can’t deal with.
It spirals out of freakin’ control…real’ fast.
I know that I’m being ridiculous. I know that I am being out of line. I know that the things that I am saying HURT the person I least want to hurt. They stick with her forever. And I am intending to inflict pain upon her, without actually wanting to. It’s so crazy. And I want to be able to censor myself. But, I can think of no other outlet. I can’t just swallow my thoughts and walk away. I am glued to the ground below and some demon coaxes this poison from my throat. I have to say what I think. And then I hate myself for it.
These episodes don’t last long. Meg was trying so hard to not freak out at me. She was attempting to weather the storm that she knew would soon be over. Man she tried. But, I was relentlessly berating her. She responded admirably, but eventually succumbed to my evil tirade and fought back. That’s what I wanted. But, after reaching the apex of my tantrum I quickly lost steam and mellowed out. There is a very evident beginning, climax, and conclusion to these ridiculous flip-outs. And when they end. I forget. I lament that they occurred. But, forget why I got so angry. *sigh*
I apologize profusely. I beat myself up over it for longer than probably necessary.
I like to point out, however, that this is how I know that I’m getting better… I actually went to the interview. I went. And I called the lady. I sucked it up. I went late. I called her. I begged her to let me see her. And I got the job. I would have never done this before. So, I am improving. I am. I am getting worse in some areas and better in others.
I binge ate today. I am worried about the two weeks of starving ahead of me. I dont’ want to be medicated anymore. I don’t think the meds are working/worth it. I want to not see a psychiatrist anymore–and rather see a therapist instead. I am a little less socially awkward than I usually am. My girlfriend is so awesome that I am jealous of her and think that everyone is hitting on her. Everyone. I don’t like being crazy.
The rest of the evening went well. It went pretty damn well. I am hoping that I don’t jinx everything forever, but Megan and I….are an epic couple. We are so fucking perfect for one another. It’s the best thing that could have ever happened to me…this relationship. We are the couple that will survive all of life’s pitfalls. We will endure because we have nothing without the other. She fills my lungs with air and I am the hand that pumps her heart. However, I am sad to admit that I have finally stopped being completely independent… I need her. And I know it. I used to believe I needed no one but myself. I did not need a girlfriend to be happy. I did not need a partner to complete me. But, uh… every time she leaves the house on her own I worry until I see her beautiful face again. I am paranoid that something bad will happen to her and I will be left alone. I cannot exist without her. I know that. I have to protect her. I have to keep her forever by my side.
She is playing video games right now. This is truly the perfect end to a perfect evening. No alcohol tonight. No special events. Nothing extraordinary except the love that continues to grow stronger between us. I love the way her eyes light up when she goes into her video game world. It’s absolutely adorable.
We did have a lengthy emotionally draining discussion between the two of us about body image issues. We both have major problems in that area. We struggle, but are working very very hard to heal. I think tonight’s conversation was one of the best we’ve had. I am in heaven.