Update. walking on sunrise. not sunset.
So, life has been a series of up and downs in recent months. Clearly, I rarely update this blog anymore. I think that’s a good thing. I’ve never been one to write out of a happy place. If I have–it was more of an aberration than a trend. Thus, one could accurately assume that my absence in the blogging world is symbolic of my recently adopted sense of balance and stability. And they would be correct. I have finally begun my plight into the right direction.
2010 has seen me crash and burn and subsequently reinvent myself straight from the barren ash of a past riddled with the pain and suffering of a tormented soul. If it were not so cliche a phoenix tattoo of some sort would be entirely accurate and meaningful to me. I might attempt to create something more obtuse, abstract, and filled with ambiguous connotations. at some point when money is not such a precious commodity. Or maybe I should make that a more pressing priority because of the uplifting nature of the subject matter.
I have fallen deeper into a crevasse than I knew I could fall. I have been catapulted into the throes of darkness and despair–rendered incapable of movement, of progress, and rational thought. I failed to realize at the time how in dire need of rescuing I was. But, forces against my control–a series of unfortunate events, if you will-led to the dawn of a new day. So many events that myself and those around me wish we could erase from our memories forever…Eternal Sunshine style. The blood, the tears, the pleas for death, the proclamations of love, the declarations of hate, the fear of not knowing if your loved one would survive another night alone. There were stitches, emergency rooms, social workers, rides in cop cars, supervised bathroom trips, doctors, needles, medicine of unknown name and origin distributed in little paper cups, schizo roommates, shots in the ass, group therapy, private therapy, psychiatrists, and many hours spent pondering and reminiscing the events that precipitated this woken nightmare.
It was by no cognizant choice of my own that I ended up locked up. Yes, I held the blade that slit my neck inches deep and inches wide. Yes, I nicked the artery that almost led to my demise. Yes, I wielded the weapon that will permanently mar my body, my reputation and my future wife’s soul forever. And yeah, I allowed my propensity for addiction to get the best of me. I succumbed to my weaknesses and let substance abuse run its course. The most tragic side effect is that even the good times of the first four months of the new year are hazy AT BEST….Far too often the anecdotes and quips my girlfriend tells are memories I fail to remember. Yes, that is the most devastating to me. We started dating in February and I can’t recall so much because of the effects of alcohol abuse. Awesome.
So, no, I did not finally capitulate and admit that I needed help. Hell, I fought, screamed and cursed at those who offered their full-fledged support. I spat venomous bile at the ones who sacrificed it all to rescue me from the then abysmal nature of my circumstances. I was terrified. I was proud. And I was confident that nothing could save me. I was not seeking death. I was not attempting to end my life. But, that could have easily been a side effect of my reckless, oft times clearly dangerous, behavior–and I was not wary nor concerned of what it would bring. It seemed the easy, albeit selfish, route.
Enough of that though… I feel I’m beating a dead horse here. The few that will read this blog already know of my rough beginning to the year.
Throughout those months I learned who I was, who I could be, who my friends were, who my friends were definitely not (and some of those discoveries were shocking at the VERY least and devastating, heart-breaking and temporarily crippling), and who I loved and valued more than myself. I do not miss my broken friendships. I believe that sloughing off the drama strained immaturity of my past was a positive step in the right direction–even if not by choice. People that I once viewed as intrinsic to my survival proved incapable of stepping up to the plate in a dire time of need. I hope that they regret that decision for the rest of their lives–I believe that at some point in the future they will discover that they threw away a hell of a girl due to their own myopic outlook and their blatant (and unwarranted) overhaughtiness. It’s whatever though. I haven’t always been a perfect friend. But, I know that EVEN NOW…even after everything that has happened… I would drop anything to help them–even if it involved so simple a task as picking up a gallon of milk from the store. I hold no grudges. I wish no ill-will upon them. And I will never forget the good times we shared.
All I can say is that I am thankful that I separated myself from the people that they had become. I am carving out a new niche in the College Station population–and am in no hurry to decide who I will associate myself with in the future. I refuse to get involved in the wrong shallow self abosrbed crowd again–which essentially means LIMITING THE LESBIAN ALLIANCES. 🙂 Somewhat joking for some of the most surprising discoveries were that not all the gay women in the city were constructed out of satan’s image. You guys know who you are, yes?
But, all that aside…
I am happy now. I am consistently happy (and have been for months) and with every expectation of having more gleeful, sunshiney, and joy-filled days in the future. I have my health. I have my adoring girlfriend. I have my dogs, cat and family. I have my friends. And I have an entire life ahead of me to prove my worth to the world. The most beautiful part is that I’m not writing on a whim–I’m not just in a good mood and opting to dictate that sliver of hope and optimism that I did in the past. Nope. I am just documenting the direction my path is taking. Of course I have many obstacles and struggles in the future. I am not completely seeped in naivete. I understand that I will deal with both the repercussions of my previous choices as well as the myriad of disorders and psychological hinderances that lie within the perplexing maze of the mind for my ENTIRE LIFE. I get it. But, I see that none of that has to limit me or my ability to flourish. I can be whatever I want (well, not anything… heh). I was given another chance and I intend to makme the most of it.
My most pressing issue at hand is not whether or not I should live. It’s not if I should cut with glass or razors. It’s not if I should get plastered or punch the shit out of a wall. It’s not if I should pick this girl or that girl. It’s not if I should plead and call for help or waddle in my own self-pity. It’s which job to take. It’s if I should save up money and move to Houston or save up money to buy an engagement ring for my girlfriend. My biggest ailment mentally is my anxiety–it’s my not thinking I’m good enough…my omnipresent obsession with perfection. And hell… I finally feel normal.
So, that’s that. Life aint so bad.