Sun flew into the Cuckoo’s Nest.
I have been to hell and back. I have been forcibly pushed into the walls of the fire and ice coated doors of inferno and have felt the wrath of Lucifer himself. It’s a scary place. But, after the initial shock dissipates into the depths below– you realize that to fear this entrapment would be a fruitless endeavor, for acceptance is the path to understanding and the eventual release from this prison.
I was placed here for sins that I have yet to commit–only think, and only think in a distant metaphorical sense. In fact, I under no circumstance would have partook in these most unspeakable of acts. These scars adorn my body out of contrition–out of a perceived need to repay–to engulf my skin with the physical manifestation of expiation. I never wanted to die. And I certainly never planned on my parents on perceiving these trivial rants as being anything more than just that.
But, these words combined with the razor blade sliced neck was enough to earn me a free ride in the back of a police car to a psychiatric ward. The name: Shoal Creek. The location: Austin, TX. The people? Crazy people, natch. It was… not a situation that can be viewed as anything other than… shitty. Just not…great.
However, I attempted to view it as an opportunity to reflect, to ponder my past, to accept the present, and concentrate on improving my future. It was also interesting in a sociological sense. It fascinated me how much people need other people– how the instinctual nature of humans to bond under times of duress trumps things like: social status, appearance, class, intelligence, etc. etc. You become “friendly” with those around you out of necessity–even though in any other situation you would avoid contact with the majority of them at all cost. Crazies befriending crazies. Some homeless, some hear voices, some with delusions of grandeur, some religious fanatics, some who believe they’ve been abducted by aliens, some who mimic animal sounds and mannerisms–a random assortment of disturbed souls. But, everyone is cordial. We eat together. We hang out together. And bonds are formed. For any company is better than none.
But, I would prefer to not delve into my time spent there. I have placed it behind me. I have chalked it up to a memory of the past. And now I am trying to take steps forward without lamenting the mistakes I have made in recent months. Yeah, it happened. But, no I don’t want your sympathy. I am a happy, healthy individual who just happens to FEEL everything too intensely at times.
There is definitely something broken in me. I have a moderation meter that needs to be tweaked. I need to realize that the world is full of various shades and gradients–not everything has to be colored in contrast. Stark blatant contrasts are the way I see the world–one lens is black and the other white. I fail to understand this theory of balance. I want things to be easily categorized. I don’t want any room for confusion to arise. Thus, I live in a world filled with extremism. You love me, you hate me. I am the most beautiful most important most talented–or the ugliest, most useless, biggest failure of all time. Where is this middle ground? This leads me to have the most erratic of temperaments. The most mundane comment can send me spiraling recklessly through space–I can go from ecstasy to the throes of depression in seconds. Stability is a foreign concept–one that eludes and evades my every attempt to capture it, if even for a moment.
But, I’m working on it. I am truly attempting to develop a sense of control over these fluctuations. I have every intention of improving my situation by accepting whatever help presents itself to me. For the time being I am doing relatively ok. Yes, I still have very little self-confidence. I doubt my abilities daily. I fear that my girlfriend will leave me every night. I have a heightened sensitivity to rejection. But, I’m having increasingly extended periods of time w here I am…happy. I feel the urge to cut every now and then–each time I am down on myself (for whatever preposterous blown out of proportion reason exists at that particular moment), but it’s more out of habit now… to feed an addiction…rather than as a coping device.
I have not..and will not.. cut again. It’s the self-destructive element that got me sent to the mental institution. It’s not so much that I submerge myself below the black waters around me, it’s not that I constantly wade through darkness, it’s just that I could potentially cause irreparable harm to myself. So, I’ll stop. I am attempting to discover ways to ease my suffering without hurting myself or those around me. I’m learning. It’s the first time I’ve wanted to change. I knew I’ve needed this wake-up call in the past, but I was never motivated enough to take that first big scary step into a psychiatrist’s office. Until now.
I have a relationship now that I have to make work because if it fails… if we fail… then I truly have lost all hope in humanity. Because I have to be able to make us invincible–impenetrable by all of our internal struggles. Yes, we are fragile, she and I. Yes, we do have battles that rage within us. But, we love each other with every fiber of our make-up. Our hearts beat for each other. We taught each other how to truly love…pure, real, selfless love. It’s something we both believed we had found before, but now we realize that our brains had tricked us into falling for someone–just because we have to have someone to care for and protect in life or else we wither away and fail to come up with reasons to live. We intensify friendships when we have no lover. It is what fuels us.
Now we have each other. And either of us would go to great lengths to defend the other from harm. We would, without a second thought, step in front of a barrage of arrows in order to preserve the others untainted soul. I would rip my ribcage apart, bone by bone, to build her a shield to ward away all evils. Life without her is not a life at all. She is truly the most honorable entity in existence. And she deserves every bit of love I can provide.
So, for now…for now I am happy. And will continue to be each morning I wake up to the sun dancing merrily across her face. This is what I’ve been waiting for. This is all that matters.