Well, it’s 3am again, like it always seems to be.
I had a good hour of sleep so far tonight. I’m on the couch again tonight. This is becoming more and more of a staple in my life. I’ve never been “banished” to the couch so to speak, but oftentimes feel the pang of obligation to sleep there instead of the comfy bed. It is my punishment for being an awful girlfriend–for being a shitty person.
Sure, she knew what she was getting into with me. Everyone claims that they can handle my perceived “quirks” and “idiosyncrasies.” I can only guess that they truly believe (at the time) that they have the qualities necessary to handle me–that they can “tame” the crazy.
The relationships, whether they be completely platonic or otherwise, all start this way with that fresh unabashed optimism. This enthusiasm will quickly begin to fade–with only the most patient of comrades continuing to stay by my side, continue to hold my hand– granting me that semblance of normalcy. It seems sometimes that they do this because of a deeply rooted superman complex of wanting to “save” me. Or perhaps a few are incredibly altruistic and selfless–with no ulterior motives of bettering themselves.
I truly don’t know. I doubt everyone. I trust few. I’m rather paranoid. I fail to see my positive attributes. When I look in the mirror I can’t help but cringe and turn away. I suppose I occasionally will see flashes of my former self in these reflections. I recognize what I could be. I glance upwards and see the eyes as deep and tumultuous as the ocean. I pierce the retina with my pensive stare–peeling back the layers, catching sight of the dulled optimism and incurable despondency that has taken up permanent residence in this sapphire quicksand.
I don’t see the beauty in the now broken shards scattered across the tiled floor. I don’t possess the ability to separate the good from the bad. I don’t recognize talent, intelligence, worthiness or good looks. There is always this ominous cloud heavy with the perceived failures of the day obscuring my view of what to everyone else is a clear reality. But, I’ve never been one to base my opinions on heresy. “Because I say so” is never going to work with me.
I do,however, trust my girlfriend. When she tells me that she loves me, I do not for one second question her intentions. When she looks at me in that certain way and mouths, “You’re beautiful,” I know she means it. She is far and away my biggest fan. She is the only person who “gets” me. Others have claimed to understand in the past, but even my own parents don’t truly care enough to get to me in the way that Mal does. It’s impossible to grasp the nature of the beast until you sleep next to it for months.
I can tell her patience is shot to shit. We go to bed angry a lot these days, only to wake up with a new perspective on how special what we have is the next morning. We are so similar in so many ways, but sometimes we JUST.DON’T.GET.EACHOTHER. On the flip side, we are literally together 24/7, and the times we do get under each other’s skin–it’s because we are never granted a moment apart. We are human afterall.
But, recently things have been slightly more tense. The love is still there. The love is still overflowing– bursting every seam lining our hearts. We care about each other more than I ever thought was possible. But, things are starting to shift. The foundation is undoubtedly shaking and shifting–moving this way and that, trying desperately to resettle on steady ground. I suppose it’s one of those turning points in the relationship. We can go one of two ways–and cannot ignore the elephants in the room any longer.
Her job might keep her away for 2/3 of each month for an indefinite amount of time. Now I am horrible at enduring any sort of separation–whether it be perceived or real. This is by my own recognition… She could be going to dinner with friends, two hours away from me… tops…. and it would be almost unbearable if I did not have some distraction to keep me from focusing on the darkness attempting to take over the logic and reasoning part of my brain. My mind immediately begins to imagine the worst: abandonment, infidelity, rejection, inadequacy, etc. Stuff that literally makes no sense. I completely make up these elaborate scenarios that are absolutely ridiculous. But, that’s what I do. Two hours or two weeks–the outcome is the same in Sunnyland. I freak out. I am incapable of trusting she who I trust most.
Imagine that I spend two or three weeks a month in that perpetually fucked up state of being. Is that a way to live? Am I just forcing a square peg through a round hole? Paralyzed with the fear of being alone …am I holding on tightly to a relationship doomed to fail? I don’t know. What I know is that I adore her. But, the pain I go through the minute I drop her off at the airport each time is near unbearable. I will immediately search for ways to pass the days to come.
It’s difficult for me. I am used to being attached to her hip. I’m the shy kid at daycare that refuses to detach from their mother’s leg. I cling. But, so does she. We feel stronger and more able to tackle the challenges of the world as a pair. When separated I bleed profusely, coagulation never coming–quickly growing pale in the face and weak in both heart and mind.
These are the periods where I find myself searching for another person to connect with–someone or something to occupy my time. I finally stumbled headfirst into the most unexpected of friendships. I refuse to go into it here, but what I initially believed would be a perfect outlet during my periods of loneliness–has turned into something more than that. The lines are beginning to blur–and as things are typically so clear cut with me– BLACK/WHITE. I am struggling mightily to keep order.
I have been nothing but honest with Mal about the ins and outs of this “crush.” I am going to tell the truth even when it hurts. I don’t know if this is more beneficial to myself or her, but it’s what I do. Black or white. Lies or truths. I can’t do a little of both. I’m a freak like that. So, I opt for the path of righteousness…or whatever. I opened up to her, informed her that I had feelings for someone else, that I would never leave her for anyone, and that my relationships with others are often extremely intense at the beginning…. I get crushes. I get infatuated. She knows this. She always knew this. But, it still hurt her. And that in turn hurt me. Sigh.
It’s just that I cannot devote myself to more than one person at a time. I’m a passionate girl. I give one hundred percent to those I correspond with. I do not half-ass important friendships. It’s extremely complicated even for me to comprehend. But, I have started to sink deeper and deeper into an entanglement of confusion. I’m hurting everyone. ME. I am making the love of my short life insecure–this beautiful, delicate, sensitive, AMAZING creature who should never doubt herself for one minute…. I am somehow affecting her psyche. FML.
I’m apparently more selfish than I thought. I’m no better than Veruca Salt–“I want the world, I want the whole world.” I’m a silent control freak. I enjoy being in charge of my destiny and abhor (and reject) the idea of being caught off guard. I believe this is why I am so damn pessimistic all the time–I’m always expecting the worst so that I can’t be disappointed. I have become a pro at reading people–always anticipating the future far off in advance.
But, I’m growing tired. I’m exhausted. I know Mal is exhausted. Fighting does not suit me well. I prefer contentment. I enjoy the warmth of another body beside me in bed. I love feeling her gaze from across the room–her sincerity and honest to god adoration warms my heart. She sees me for who I could be, but even more importantly she sees me for who I already am and she’s damn proud of that person.
And that makes all the difference.
- I did not watch the Super Bowl tonight. I believe that is the first time ever I was not either subjected to the spectacle or glued to the tv by my own passion for sports. There are more important things these days.
- I can’t say I was pleased with the outcome though. Everyone knows I hate Louisiana.
- We saw “Precious” in theaters today. Mal loved it. I barely made it through. It’s a good enough movie and Monique does such an amazing job (scary good, actually)–but it’s depressing as hell. Mal tried to argue that it had an uplifting ending. Pfft! Lies! People…. children live this life EVERY DAY and that fact is never going to change no matter what I do to fix it. It is horrible and it made me feel like a piece of shit for having a good life. Still preferable to “When in Rome” or “Dear John.” No thanks.
- We have caught the interior design bug. We can’t do much with our limited budget, but we thought (incorrectly) that we could afford to change out the hardware in our kitchen cabinets. Well, if we somehow did not have 28 effing pieces to replace than perhaps we could have afforded it. We have a tiny kitchen. WTF? How is there 28 drawers and cabinets? Crazy shit. The sexy modern/contemporary looking pulls were about 4 bucks EACH. Yeah, no.
- I recently got my labret pierced. My parents will kill me, I’m sure of it. Luckily, they don’t really support me all that much anymore. And they will love me regardless. I’m their kid and the piercing is only temporary!
- However, tattoos are not. I plan on getting this:
along with the quote: “…miles to go before I sleep” in newspaper/typewriter font underneath it. This will adorn my upper bicep/lower right shoulder. The quote is part of a longer Robert Frost poem. “The woods are lovely, dark and deep and I have miles to go before I sleep…miles to go before I sleep.” I always loved it. Still do.
- I went with the piercing because I like to think long and hard before committing to something permanent. Commitment phobe + impulsive =constant turmoil over whether or not to get this done.
- You might have noticed the addition of “Dissected” to the header of this blog (HAHA, I’m pretending people read this silly diatribe). This was Mallory’s stroke of genius. She loved that the initials of it equated BPD… Borderline Personality Disorder. She’s awesome. 😀
- We went to a fabric store today. That was an experience. It made me feel extremely inadequate. I wish I could make clothes and/or other things too! So jealous of people with mad skills like that. We saw the following fabric available at Joanne’s! If we could make shiz we could save bookoos I’m sure. That duvet cover is sold at Urban Outfitters for a lot.
- Orajel is a godsend. I’ve been dealing with a killer wisdom tooth infection and pain does not begin to describe what I’ve been feeling! Amazing how teeth can incapacitate us sometimes.
- Netflix is uhmazing. This is still true six years after I tried it for the first time.
- They closed a Blockbuster in our city recently–and it has since turned into a “Blockbuster Outlet.” I am still perplexed by this.
- How is Albertson’s still open? I went there the other day and my jaw completely dropped to the floor (toothache relation???) when I saw how much they charge for cereal. Shit mayne! It was like six bucks for a box of Special K. I am pretty sure they were referring to the cereal…
- I am going to miss this house and my roommates when May rolls around–but even more than that I am going to miss Coco. He’s my roommate’s dog, but he is pretty damn special to me.
- The idea of moving from College Station continues to give me hives. Change freaks me out. But, I can’t stay here. Everyone is too young. I’m getting older. It’s not conducive to growing up.
- Everyone should have Sirius Radio.
- I fell asleep with wet hair (smelling like peppermints and woke up to find it parted the wrong way. I don’t think I like it.
- I truly hate Vampire Weekend.
- I miss my family a lot tonight.