So, the holiday season has officially arrived. It’s mid-December. I look around me and I see red. But, I also see green. I take in the sights and sounds the best I can, but it is hard to not feel bombarded by fake smiles, mounting debt, and an over saturation of glitz and glimmer. No, I’m not Scrooge. I’m not Bah-Humbuging anyone. My dad is signing every email he sends off with “Santa” and inundates the house with so much damn Christmas music even I catch my cynical ass belting out Barry Manilow tunes from time to time. It’s rather addictive, but all feels force-fed.
I can’t go anywhere without coming face to face with “the spirit of the season.” And goddamnit, I want it to go away for a day or two. I want to be enveloped by darkness, entombed by self-pity, and cocooned by my own destruction. I have no choice but to rock back and forth in the corner of my room, blocking out the pockets of sunshine that filter through the west facing window, pushing away the smiles and cheer– welcoming the silence–welcoming the chance to just think for a fucking second.
It’s hard to do this when my sensitive ears pick up sounds of Vince Girardi Trio from next door rattling off that classic “Charlie Brown Christmas” music placating me momentarily as I get trapped inside a nostalgic trance-like state of being. Did I mention that my dad is Buddy the Elf? Sigh.
I just need some respite from the artificial gaiety this month generates among the masses. I need the retail world to stop pressuring me into buying gifts with money that is non-existent. I feel like the dead-beat husband that abuses his wife because of his own insecurities and inability to otherwise deal with his apparent inadequacies. I don’t sympathize, but I understand how people can get to that point.
It seems that no matter which direction I turn I’m going the wrong way. Any and all guidance I have received fails to assist me whenever I stumble throughout the dark with no map in hand. I’m constantly lost. My world continues to spin on its axis, days turn to night, everyone else marching on unaffected by my perilous fights. But, there I am struggling for air, struggling to catch my breath, struggling to make sense of this shit life I’ve been granted.
God, can’t you just sense the emo oozing out of me? I’m really extreme in my moods. On the outside I’m smiling, cracking jokes with my dad, throwing the frisbee jovially with my rambunctious pups… while my insides are simultaneously cracking, crumbling and eroding into nothing.
The why evades me. I don’t know. Yesterday was a pretty great day. I had no complaints. I partially mended a bridge. I reached a new level of love with my girlfriend. My beautiful beautiful girlfriend…. she who is a god damn angel, a saint, the best thing to ever happen to me… Ahem. I’m gushing.
My mom was beyond accommodating to me and my pursuits of climbing out of the grave I’ve dug ten times before. My family and I have had a hit or miss relationship since my eating disorder, dropping out of college, coming out of the closet, and being overall a shit daughter the past couple of years. But, underneath it all they continue to see my merit. They know that though my flesh may be scarred and distorted beyond recognition–that beneath that lay the golden child of yesteryear begging to be released from her tomb.
So, on the good days, life is glorious. I’m happy. They are happy. We are once again a family of unity and strength. But, then something snaps deep within me and all the weight I’ve been carrying upon my decrepit shoulders forces me to my knees. My mind and body can literally take no more. I shut down. And nothing other than a new episode of Property Virgins or a Seth Rogen movie can pull me out of the depths of this depression. It latches hold of me and submerges me deep below the superficial.
It might be gone tomorrow. But, tonight sucks.
I’m experiencing a great deal of doubt. I have an amazing girlfriend. But, I don’t trust her. Truth is, I don’t trust many people. I believe most people are inherently evil in one way or another. Call me paranoid. I’m sure I have a smidge of that in some form or fashion. But, I just always have my eyes wide open (or at least as wide as my squinty little baby eyes can go) and have observed the worst in everyone for quite some time now. I may doubt someone’s sincerity or believe them to be slightly dishonest. Or in this case, I may just think they have a faulty sense of self-control–or perhaps a deeply embedded sense of entitlement to do whatever (or whomever) they please whenever they want. Or perhaps, maybe the most likely scenario, is that she too might be just as insecure as I am–only seeking love and a sense of belonging in different…more erotic ways.
I am just feeling lonely. And when I experience loneliness this extreme I am only capable of seeing the glass half empty. I fear the worst. I feel like I’ve lost all my friends. I’ve slowly been losing them for years. The first crop left with the arrival of my eating disorder–I started isolating myself much to the chagrin of everyone intimately involved in my life. I turned down plans to hang out with my friends each and every time for one reason or another–either I felt fat that day, I had no/low energy from lack of nutrients, or because the event planned was going out to eat–which, of course, I never did. The reasoning did not matter. All they could understand was that I was avoiding them. And soon the invites, knocks on the door and phone calls stopped–
The remainder of my friends have moved on–graduated college, which I unfortunately neglected to do, or just moved out of the hell-hole I currently reside in. They are starting their grown up lives, where as I continue to regress. I’m stuck in between youth-hood and adult-hood in this apparent purgatory. I have no clue how to escape.
My ex girlfriend was my best friend. And now she refuses to speak with me. I try. I try desperately. I’ve admitted my wrong-doings. I’ve made a fool out of myself apologizing and begging for her forgiveness. I’ve done everything short of graveling at her feet, which I can guarantee I would do if I lived closer to her. The thing is–I never had closure after our relationship. It just sort of…ended. One phone call. And 1.5 years went down the drain. I still loved her, but I knew it would never work out in the end. I did what needed to be done and I don’t regret the outcome, but rather how it was handled. It was a cluster-fuck. I admit it.
But, hindsight is 20/20. It’s useless to lament the past. I messed up. I am paying for it now.
My other best friend is only JUST now beginning to toy with the idea of reconnecting with me. A trial period, if you will, of casual meetings… trying to see if this will ever be able to work again.
Who else do I have? My dogs. And my girlfriend. Sure, my roommates are friendly acquaintances. But, for whatever reason, I have never furthered my relationship with the two of them. I guess I view the tenancy in this house as temporary–as ephemeral and fleeting–it will pass and the closer I get to them the more devastated I will become when it must end. I keep myself at a certain distance.
So, I have a girlfriend who outdoes me in every category of life. I’m just waiting around patiently for her to leave me. She’s prettier than me, funnier than me, more successful than me. Her family adores her. She has friends. She has this wonderful sense of optimism to her. She’s amazing. And I have nothing to offer in return. I take so much. I give nothing back. I feel inadequate all of the time. I need to be the one that provides and protects. It’s probably stemming from my competitive nature, but whatever the reason–it is who I need to be. And without proper therapy I don’t know if I can do it. Or that I can handle it. I feel rusty and out of practice with taking care of myself and being independent. I know I’m intelligent. I think it’s one of my few positive attributes. But, how I can make that meaningful? How I can use it for good? How do I pull myself up by the bootstraps? Or Converse shoelaces as it were?
Who knows. But, tonight I’m feeling pretty down with no light at the end of this tunnel.