Smorsgabord

A flurry of thoughts on this most awful of days. Find good in the most dire of situations. Take what you want from this as you would a buffet. I focus on the end result. I focus on what will happen–what needs to happen for eternal happiness to be stumbled upon. Believe it or not ladies and gentleman of the jury–I learn from these situations. I am a sheltered kid. I haven’t had enough experiences in life to handle everything per usual. I’m not normal. But, if you want to know what I stumbled upon today and are too sane to understand what my amalgam of nutiness below means. Well, let’s just say that I was “ripped a new one” as “they” say by someone tonight–someone who I don’t know personally. And I actually learned from it.

Things I Figured Out Tonight:
-I have too much time on my hands.
-I’m an emotional hemophiliac (natch!)
-I need to move in with the girl.
-I need to see her more than once a month.
-I need to know that I will sleep beside her every night.
-I need to settle down there–carve my life out of potential
-I already trust her to not be unfaithful–now I just have to drop the jealousy act.
-This is only able to be done if we are no longer separated by 240 miles
-She needs to be honest and open with me and let me know i’m loved
-That be it.

Clarity, rationality, logic.
States of mind that evade me.
Circles, tension, dizzying up the brain.
Alone.
Afraid to lose the one I push away.
Arms tied up in knots.
Mouth saying words my mind denies.
Heart unraveling. Soul destroyed.
Viewed as a villain by few
The few who wield the most control
This is my tragedy.
This is my life.
Antagonist in my own story.
Pieces missing.
Eyes swollen shut. Crusted salt.
No sleep.
Moments blurred together.
Realities, trance, states of mind.
Dreams
What is real?
Two sides to every downfall
Shape shifting from matador to bull
Seeing red
Anger brewing, sadness building
Steam erupts from within
Emotions boiling
Heads colliding, fists pumping
No one ever wins.
Victors cease to be, we all fail
We all fall.
The night time loosens up the lip
The liquor helps
No restraint, floodgates open
Eruption
No understanding, no listening
Muffled cries, white noise
Can you hear me now
My voice reaches no one
Survival mode, engine ignited
this is not a test
Keyboard clicking, cell phone ringing
Monotony, tedium, no dignity
desperation hanging in the air
no respect, no defense
only madness thrown my way
thrown off my game
hurt feelings, misunderstandings
no take backs this time
night to day
no sleep
watch the colors change
tomorrow is a new day
a new life
another chance to start anew
priorities
love
i have feelings too
false accusations ring in my ear
words uttered, never forgotten
digest deep within my gut
i take in every word
process, compute, internalize
I hear you.
I get it.
I shift my perceptions.
I know what love is.
I feel it every second.
It’s not about me.
It’s about you.
I do this for you.
You make me want to be better.
Transforming, growing, shifting
Compromising
Avoiding mirrors for a reason
Reflections rattle my spine
I find merit in their song
Biased, subjective, but raw and real
Loyalty I can respect.
She said. She said.
Repeat.
Jealousy versus Freedom
Trust versus Dishonesty
Circles, patterns, chains
All resolved.
With one move.
We should be sleeping
We should be sleeping together.
Every night.
Problems solved.

Peace.

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About littlelostsunny

Lost inside her mind. Inspired to blog because if not the thoughts start to control my life. I needed an outlet.

Posted on September 27, 2009, in Emo Crap. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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