Catch-22

Last night kinda blew.  I mean, I can’t complain too much, ’cause it was JASON’S DELI NIGHT and everything.  Saturday night ritual.  But, it was the afterwards that teetered on armageddon n awful.

Sometimes you just can’t win.

It had the potential to be hhhhhawwwweeeesome.  Football, hot lady, family, big screen TV, beer (BEER!), chips, salsa, puppies, everything!  But, then…DUN DUN DUN….

I went out to throw the tennis ball for my dog for a couple of minutes by myself–just as a respite from constant social contact with everyone.  I’m a loner at heart.   I was gone maybe five minutes–and I come back inside and Em is missing.  My dad didn’t know where she was.  My mom was grading papers up stairs.  And so I started looking for her and found her on the front porch–sitting on the little red chair, barefoot, with her face burrowed in her left hand, cell phone plastered to her right hand.  I came outside for a quick second to see if something was the matter seeing as how serious she looked, but was quickly waved back inside.  I knew immediately after that who it was.

I don’t really want to get into the details.  But, I quietly came back in the house, sat down…watched a little football, played with the dogs, finished the crossword puzzle and then started to blog.  I was getting more and more anxious and upset by the second.  The minutes ticked by until an hour had passed.  That’s right an hour.

Sigh.

Typically I wouldn’t care.  I really wouldn’t.  If it were anyone else, I wouldn’t.  But, the person on the other end has been a source of Em and I’s discontent for several weeks now.  And I’m so tired of it.  I’m just so over the entire situation, but I can’t seem to escape it.   She has promised me to keep the two worlds separate, but last night she fucked that up.  She called this other person.  She was trying to mend a friendship.  This friendship meant a lot to her, and though I’m uncomfortable with certain aspects of it–like the aspects that involve this other person attacking my character, saying incredibly unflattering things about me, making me generally feel like shit, and putting Em in an awful middleman position–I still take no issue with the two of them hanging out.  I trust Emily, in terms of faithfulness and fidelity, with my entire heart.  She’s good people.  No fucking doubt.  And I believe that she controls her own fate and destiny.  I’m growing up as a person and understanding all of this much better now.

I’m ok with this person, who we shall refer to henceforth as Zee.  No idea why.  Just sounds fun.  At any rate.  I’ve never them.  I only have opinions based on things I have heard and actualities that I have witnessed.  But, I like to be very fair and understanding of situations.  I like to be.  However, it’s difficult to remain impartial sometimes when this stuff does directly affect me.

Ahem.

So, this was the first time I’ve seen Em in a month.  A lot has happened between she and I during that period.  So much, you guys.  And I wanted to spend the weekend just focusing on us as a couple.  To give us a chance at permanency we needed a few good days of awesomeness.  And that’s exactly what we were having.  It was great!  I am constantly amazed by her adorkable self.  All smiles and happiness.

AND THEN.  AND THEN she pulls this shit.

She had sent Zee an email that I had read and had also thought was digusting at parts.  Mainly because it was so sweet, caring and loving at times–and it wasn’t directed at me, but the woman who finds me loathsome.  Ha!  But, objectively was an appropriate course of action, was well written–with thought and heart injected into it–and should have been received well.  Apparently it didn’t solve anything.

It would appear that Zee is putting Em in the middle of a clusterfuck of bad unfortunate awful misery and making her choose between herself and, well, um, ME.  I can’t even begin to explain how unfair that is for Emily.  Em isn’t perfect, but, for the most part she is an innocent in this situation.  And yet she’s the one who stands to lose the most.  It is very upsetting and potentially tragic.   I am sorry for being the instigator to this madness.  My original jealousy over Zee was what somehow spurned this shit on.  That insecurity has faded.  I no longer harbor those same feelings in regards to the situation at hand.   I just don’t.  But, I can’t change the way I reacted initially.  I can only change how I behave in the future.

I still have no clue how Zee discovered that I felt threatened by her, but she did.  And then the snowball effect occurred … and boy did it freaking EVER.

Em and I have solved our personal problems on the matter.  I feel ok about the two of them hanging out.  It’s fine.  It’s whatever.  I just would rather her not talk smack about me when I’m not there to defend myself.  The way I see it… if you have shit to talk about your girlfriend–you probably shouldn’t be dating her.  I don’t think I’ve ever uttered a bad word about Em.  And if someone said something negative about her–I get pissed off at them.  I just naturally feel inclined to defend her.  And yeah it hurts that she’s not wired the same way.  But, she isn’t.  And that’s ok.  I love her for who she is and not who I want her to be.  I don’t want to change her. Because then she wouldn’t be Emily.

My brain is loopy today.

Let me try to hurry this shiz up.

I got angry last night after Em was on the phone with Zee for an hour.  I stepped outside and said “You need to get off of the fucking phone.”  And yeah that was a bit harsh and a bit of an overreaction, but I just want Zee to get the fuck out of my life.  I see Em once a month.  I want to see her and be with her and not have this other shit affecting it.   She wants to keep the two worlds separate so that’s what needs to happen.  Zee somehow knew Em was at my place.  It was an insult, a slap to the face, a lack of respect and just flat out inpolite for Em to be chatting to her for that long.  I will not change my stance on that.  I just won’t.

I should not have hush-yelled at her.  I don’t ever REALLY yell, but I think I might have said it quite sternly and with the utmost seriousness.  Em said I had a bad energy about me at that moment.  And that’s true.  I’m passionate, yes.

We then had the worst argument of our relationship.  It was ugly.  My mom even had to come out and mediate.  My parents usually always take Em’s side because she’s reasonable and smart–most of the time–and I’m whimsical and moronic–all of the time!  HA!  But, in this instance they both told me that what Em did was ridiculous and that I was right.   So, that’s a first for me.

I was upset.  So upset.  But, I came inside… took some shots of this crazy ass Colombia liquor called Aguardiente Blanco ’cause that’s all we gots…cracked open a Coors Lite…jammed on my guitar…and then was totally fine.   I don’t hold grudges.  I get over things quite quickly.  And when I get over them I GET OVER THEM.  No looking in the rear view mirror for me.  I learn from my past.  But, then I lay it to rest.

Em was beyond mad though.  She was devastated at the thought of losing a very important friend–and even worse than that–a very important GROUP of friends through this debacle.  And she has a right to be upset about that.  But, I know that it’s not really my fault.  It’s not my fault that Zee is making her choose.  I don’t even know this person!  UGH!  I’m starting to feel as though I’m one of the saner more mature people in this world.   At least my crazy does not ever hurt other people.  And I never set out to hurt people.  I think I’ve got my head on pretty damn straight.

So, I apologized.  Profusely.  For the things I believe to have done wrong.  I admit my mistakes.  I told her this morning that if she honestly had to choose that I would rather her choose her friends.  She needs friends.  She needs those connections.  I would make that sacrifice for her.  But, she does love me.  And she stayed with me.  And that is why I fucking love her.

This morning while she was taking a nap I made her this: (note the awesome mini bandaids on the heart I made!)








She is my everything.

I mean… our first date was to a Planetarium and then to the ZOO! We both dig eating cheap Mexican food at all hours of the day. We sing songs from Moulin Rouge! in the car with the windows rolled down–alternating who takes Nicole’s part and who takes Ewan’s. She went to my family function today and met my cousins, my aunts, my uncle, and a number of other relatives.  And they all loved her by the way.  We have the same tastes in food, music, movies, fashion and women. And we both find the other beautiful as can be. It’s real love. It is.  Almost perfect.  I just don’t want her to hurt ever again.  We’ll see where this journey takes us!

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About littlelostsunny

Lost inside her mind. Inspired to blog because if not the thoughts start to control my life. I needed an outlet.

Posted on September 21, 2009, in Long and Twisty Diary Entries and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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