Good Day, Good Company and Goodwill

It’s hard living four hours from the person who owns  half of your heart.  Long distance relationships are TEH ABSOLUTE WORST.  There is no positive element to this kind of set up.  But, it develops out of a perceived necessity.  When in reality it’s always a choice.  We always have a choice in the matter.

I thought I didn’t.  I thought, well, I just don’t have any more money to dedicate to the San Antonio project.  But, in actuality I just had severe reservations about committing myself to the first person I had ever been in a relationship with.  It’s a scary proposition.  I was nervous.  I am twenty-three and always late to the party.  I didn’t start dating, really, until March of 2008 and that was with Em.  I was her first girlfriend.  And she was mine.

Adorable, right?  Heh.

With the cuteness comes the part where I freak out by the idea of being tied down to one area, one life, one partner  I’ve never been able to commit to anything other than being noncommittal.  When there is no gun to my head, I like to have freedom of choice.

One of my favorite song lyrics right now is, “Say it’s over.  Say I’m dreaming. Say I’m better than you left me. Say you’re sorry I can take it.  Say you’ll wait.  Say you won’t.  Say you LOVE me say you don’t.  I can make my own mistakes.  Let it bend before it breaks.”

It’s beautiful.  And poignant.  And it rings so true and so close to the heart.  I get that.  It’s tragic and sad, but at the same time is so real and honest.

I have to fuck everything up before I learn to do it right.  I’m learning.  I’m just a kid.  I’m twenty-three, but I’m a young twenty-three.  I lost so many days, weeks and months to being stuck inside the labyrinth of my mind.   And it’s not a fun maze–it’s more like the one in the Shining–where a deranged Jack Nicholson is chasing me around with a fucking ax.    It’s not great.

But, I finally unzipped my little brain locker and climbed out.  I’m a really good climber–as an aside.  Ask Em.  She threw the frisbee on the roof today of the garage–and I scaled that wood fence and up onto the shingles in .01 seconds.  I grabbed that pink Petsmart disc and then proceeded to leap recklessly off of the roof to the grassy ground below.  I am just a kid at heart. I’m playful.  I’m foolish.  I’m unreasonable, irrational and as stubborn as a fucking donkey ox mule. I just am.  But, I also retain that child like innocence and sense of wonderment, awe and devotion that really makes me a special person.  Not necessarily a good one, but a special one.  I’m unique.  Bad or good, it is what it is.

At any rate, I had a royal freakout when the time came for Em and I to move in together this summer.  I saw an opportunity to bolt and I grabbed that chance.  I had my fun.  I realized that that fun wasn’t that fun after all.  I realized that stability, security and comfort was actually a hell of a lot better than it seemed before.

I know I love her now.   I know I’m ready now.

It’s weekends like this one that remind me of why it’s worth it.  Why it’s worth any and all “sacrifices.”  Why it’s worth fighting for every damn day.  Why it’s worth moving my ass away from all of my friends, family and dreams to a town that I hate.

We just have a connection to one another that can only be understood from within.  The level of comfortableness and compatibility we have with each other is enviable.  I never feel awkward, nervous or anxious around her.  We are peaceful and amiable when in the others company.  Tonight we were at Jason’s Deli with the parents and I just couldn’t peel my damn eyes off of her visage.   I don’t even try to avert my stare anymore when she catches me.  It’s not quite eye-fucking.  It’s more like admiring her for the beautiful soul she possesses and the person that she is.  She honestly wants nothing but the best for me and those she loves.

And what more could you ask for?

I have only told five people in my life that I love them.  My dad, my mom, my sister, my best friend and Em.  Five.  It’s a big fucking deal with me.  I don’t rush to say those words.  I have to think about them, contemplate the immense significance of it…because if they mean nothing than the world is truly a messed up place.

Love is the foundation of everything for me.  Without it I’d have no reason to get up every morning.  It is the center of my little universe.  And I have said I love you without hesitation and without remorse a trigazillbillion today.  I look into her amazing brown eyes and spill my heart to her wanting ears.

She needs to hear this from me.  And I’m glad I’m able to provide her with that which she wants so.much.

If you read this, doll.  I love you.  And thank you for everything.

Oh and as for Goodwill.  Sigh.  We adore the shit fuck out of that place.  Not all Goodwills are created equal.  Not even close.  The ones in San Antonio are usually pretty shady/shitty and not of the quality of the location in Town Lake (Austin) or here.  We gots some richie riches here.  I will stumble upon Lacoste, True Religion, Lucky Brand, J Crew, all the time!  It’s a gold mine!  It just seems like they never have any 2’s or 4.  It pisses me off.

But, today we unearthed a bounty of wealth!  I even saw a Lacrosse stick there!  Unfortunately there was only one there and that just wouldn’t do.  I’m trying to get Em’s baby-dyke ass into sports.

But! And there is a but!  We did score lotsa cool sheet.  Em got this really rad canvas belt with a lion on it.  We have the tendency to name things.  My car..his name is Murray.  My tat is named Stanley.  The dinosaur on her BustedTees shirt is named Melvin.  And this new lion… we are weighing the options between Gina and Dr. Dre.  It’s a science, ok.

So, anyways… Em also got a thingy-ma-bob to hold these index cards of potential client information for her car and a Celtic themed tile of some sort.  It’s a piece of decor I’m not a HUGE fan of, but she loves it.  So, I lubs it too, natch!

AND!  I finally found a kick-ass pair of black jeans, a cool graphic tee, a sweet blazer and the best find of all was this rusty metal figure of three trees in a row with a twin set almost directly behind the first row.  It’s hard to explain.  I’ll get a picture up tomorrow.

We are both woodsy people.  We dig the outdoors.  We spent over an hour lost in the woods together with just the pups and some mosquito repellant today.  And these little trees–a variant of pine trees- are so rawkin!  But, we came home and my dad really loved them.  And he offered us 2 dollars more than what we paid.  And I can’t deny him anything.  I love my dad!

So, we gave them away. Sniff.

That’s it for now.  UT game is on.  Peace interwebz.



About littlelostsunny

Lost inside her mind. Inspired to blog because if not the thoughts start to control my life. I needed an outlet.

Posted on September 20, 2009, in Long and Twisty Diary Entries and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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