Giving up the Ghost

“He who fights too long against dragons becomes a dragon himself; and if you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss will gaze into you.”

Today my hair is bangin’.  It’s the first day in, like, two weeks that I’ve put any effort whatsoever into my appearance.  I actually changed shirts, put on makeup (!!!), tweezed my eyebrows, and got the Chi out and fiddle faddled with my hair a bit.  I don’t know what inspired me to act like a real life person today, but I think it might have something to do with finally being treated like a human being by those around me .  And the way my life is going–that’s as good a reason as any.

“He who fights too long against dragons becomes a dragon himself; and if you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss will gaze into you.”

So, a friend of mine once told me to contemplate all of the problems my relationship had–and to try to isolate one distinct central hub from which all arguments stemmed.

Monogamy.

And it is true.  Most of our disagreements and fights originated based on lack of trust, fidelity or loyalty… perceived or actual.

But, if you are naive enough to think that polyamory or an open relationship solves these tensions or feelings of resentment.  Think.Again.

“He who fights too long against dragons becomes a dragon himself; and if you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss will gaze into you.”

If you think that jealousy doesn’t rear it’s ugly green envious head in those types of scenarios you are a bloody idiot.   It may seem like a dream set-up, but when you peel back the shine and sheen of the newness–it is really nothing more than a clusterfuck of emotions, uncertainties, and hurt feelings.

Do I have experience with such things?  Well, kind of.  And definitely more than you.

I used to believe that a polyamorous lifestyle would be idyllic.  That it would prevent the usual petty arguments over jealousy and trust.  That it would curb the typical boredom that tends to occur in long term relationships.   So many positive elements to such a set-up.  I mean, fuck whoever whenever, and then fall asleep next to someone you love every night.  Awesome, Right?

“He who fights too long against dragons becomes a dragon himself; and if you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss will gaze into you.”

Well, partially.  It takes a special kind of person to be able to deal with the many cons of polyamory.  You have to be a strong & confident individual.  You can’t get butthurt when you are left out.  You can’t drown in jealousy.  It is a constant balancing act when it comes to dishing out affection and love.  Patience must be possessed in bulk quantities.   And whether or not it was anyone’s intention–there will always be a ring leader of sorts and there will always be couplings that happen.  It’s natural for bonds to grow stronger and more intimate between two people.  And that would upset the balance of everything–causing temporary or permanent upheaval.  It’s not the utopia that you believe it to be.

But, that’s not what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about jealousy.  Because no matter what type of relationship you have–you will have to confront the wickedness of insecurity at some point.

I’ve put a lot of thought into what the reasons are for my own issues with these envious suspicion are.  I think I have been able to walk within the confines of my brain, gathering likely possibilities and scenarios along the way, enough times to develop somewhat of a solution to this most perplexing of problems.

Can’t say I’ve come up with an end all be all quick fix.  But, I have figured a lot of shit out.

“He who fights too long against dragons becomes a dragon himself; and if you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss will gaze into you.”

My jealousy stems from my own insecurities.  The fact that I have grown to be so uncomfortable in my own skin the past couple of years has played a heavy hand in that development.  I lack confidence.  Simple as that.  I know that I have a shit ton of qualities that make me an interesting and loving individual.  But, I never feel as though I am worthy of the attention that I receive from people– women in particular.  I doubt compliments that are directed my way.  If someone says I am attractive, I bashfully smirk and thank them, but it never sinks in deeper than the surface.

It is my ultimate dream to be able to walk into a room with aplomb–bravura emanating from my every pore, and with every footstep I take–I’m commanding the attention from the room.  I’d love to be THAT person, but I will never achieve that degree of comfortableness.  I’m more apt to fill Woody Allen’s role in life as the entity weighed down with every neurosis, anxiety and complexity known to mankind–and then some.

I do not have an impressive resume, don’t have a real job, am a triple-time college dropout, live with my parents, still have a face that breaks out, am not particularly witty or entertaining, and have a body pocked with stretchmarks, scars and cellulite–and that’s not the body dysmorphia talking.  I’m just not exactly trophy-wife or arm-candy material.

“He who fights too long against dragons becomes a dragon himself; and if you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss will gaze into you.”

So, anytime I am able to capture someone’s intrigue, I consider it to be extremely evanescent.  I’m waiting for the attraction to end before it has had a real opportunity to grow and develop.  Always fearing the worst, but truly hoping for the best.

But, something I have learned in the past couple of months is that confidence is something that can be feigned–to a degree.  I can put my mask of self-assurance on when I leave the house and bullshit the fuck out of everyone–and then yank it off the second I get home, where I will typically proceed to curl up in a fetal position and over-analyze the events from that day.   But, the thing is, I can’t be “on” all the fucking time.  I’m naturally a worrier.  I don’t think that all of the therapy in the world will heal that which is at once intrinsic and essential to my existence.  It’s an inherited thing.  I can’t trick my DNA.

Sure, mock-confidence can carry over until it eventually superposes your previously mottled demeanor.  But, it will never mask it entirely.  So, those who you are most intimate with will see your less enviable side.  They will see you when you are vulnerable, scared or anxious.  They have to deal with you when you are being irrational or completely nuts.  And they have to offer you the reassurance that you need when you get into this frenzied state of torrential overemotional downpours.

“He who fights too long against dragons becomes a dragon himself; and if you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss will gaze into you.”

Just as I have to learn to deal with my jealousy issues–my partner has to develop a tactic to prevent it from escalating to such a level.   I’m a naturally suspicious person–perhaps this is my use of psychological projection–but I have been unfaithful in the past and it was so easy for me to slip into that role– despite my unwavering love for my gf–and thus I have a heightened sense of awareness when it comes to issues such as fidelity.  For me nothing is worse than rejection.  Nothing is worse than not being good enough for someone.  My entire self-worth is based upon other’s perception of me.  So, if she were to pick someone else–even as a friend–over me–I would be destroyed.  I would be obsessed with discovering how I could fulfill her in the ways that this other person did.

I’m rambling.

“He who fights too long against dragons becomes a dragon himself; and if you gaze too long into the abyss, the abyss will gaze into you.”

At this point you might be asking why I keep repeating that Nietzsche quote.  And the reason for that is simple my dears.  Sometimes quotations are up to interpretation by the reader–and I choose to take this particular one a certain way that relates to this situation.  For example, those who fight a certain perceived evil for so long will eventually turn into that same evil themselves–through necessity or by adopting the same tactics and completely amoral behaviors that were found so repulsive originally.  Sometimes we fight fire with fire.  Civil disobedience is not always successful on a large scale–and it is SO easy to slip into a path of least resistance.  It is much less taxing to be the villain.

If I fight this long enough.  If I continue to stare this green monster square in the eyes–quietly seething, allowing this deeply embedded and perhaps irrational anger to brew and eventually boil, then an explosion is bound to happen.  Something that I’m not proud of nor fully in support of will take place.   I’m all about ethics.  And I’m also all about pacifism.

I don’t want to deal with this shit anymore.  I don’t want to endure arguments every morning and every night.  I don’t want every hour of the day to be completely engulfed by voices yelling at each other–berating, belligerent and belittling– but neither hearing, really hearing, what the other has to say.  I don’t want any more hangups.  I don’t want any more angry emails.  I want to be able to check my voice-mail without cringing and tearing up.

But, in order for this to happen I have to be the bigger person.  I have to pull myself up by my bootstraps, so to speak.  If I want this situation to resolve itself, I have to be the one to change, I have to be the one to alter the system of beliefs I have rigidly set in place.  The jealousy will never end completely.  But, the way I handle it will have to shift.

I cannot let my past dictate my future.

But, I will take a piece of that, that which is fundamentally different from who I feel that I am, and what I feel I represent now–and it will proceed to change me forever.

For if I continue this pattern of finding faults in every move that my partner takes, whether it be professional or personal–if I look for flaws in her behavior and actions, then undoubtedly I will find them.  And if I don’t, then I will, perhaps, invent them out of some preposterous figment of my imagination.  I am not innocent in this.  And I never claim to have any superiority or any halo hovering angelically above my head.

Until I have a true reason to mistrust her– or the situations she places herself in–I have to back off.  I have to staple a wide, sincere smile to my face and wish her the best of luck in her ventures.   I have to let her stumble upon harsh realities on her own.  I suspect that she is running with a crowd that is offering her little in the area of growth and development as a person–that she is, in fact, regressing in maturity during her time spent with them.  I feel that only bad things will come of these new found relationships–and that at some point their negativity will influence her in a profound way.  But, I can’t know this for sure.  Perhaps the reason she has chosen this crop of friends is BECAUSE they offer her a respite from the tedium of a suit-wearing 9-5.  That she has no intention of dumbing herself down through these outings, but instead just wants to chill, hang out, shoot the shit, and have some beers with someone who isn’t me every now and then.  It may be tough to swallow initially, but the longer you stare at a problem the easier it sometimes becomes to solve.   I want to fulfill her.  But, I can’t be her everything, all the time.  I’m beginning to understand this.

Honestly, I wish I could choose her friends.  I wish I could screen them all ahead of time.  And truth be told–I wish she had a good set of trustworthy frineds…some that were not lesbians, even.  But,  I cannot control her in this way.  I can state my peace, one time.  And now I must move on and let things fall into place the way destiny has already set into motion.  The fundamental element of any relationship, monogamous or not, is trust and honesty.  And I must accept that this most coveted and sacred of symbiotic exchanges is flawless as of now.  Instead of fearing the end to this reign of purity and perfection, I should make the steps necessary to preserve it–and to perhaps strengthen the bond in the process.

Granting her freedoms, instilling in her the faith I have in her character, doing my best to provide her with what she needs to enjoy and bask in the positives of this relationship–those are the actions I must consciously take in order to give this a legitimate chance at survival.

Otherwise in battling against these nameless faceless foes, I, too, would become  just as wrong as they were.  I would become the monster I had initially sought to combat and defeat.  In my trying to protect this partnership, I was quickly transforming into a greater mortal enemy  than they could ever be.  I was pushing her away, when what I really wanted was to reel her closer to me.   But, this is not a sanctimonious act.  I may be trepidatious about it in terms of execution, but the rudimentary fundamentals I wholeheartedly believe in.  This is what NEEDS to be done.

I’ve grown so much through these experiences.  And much to my lady’s chagrin, I am a tactile or kinetic learner.  It’s all trial and error with me.  She has expressed her consternation with my patterns in this area–stating that she can not go through the laundry list of fuck-ups in order for me to change my ways.   And she has a point.  So, perhaps in the future, we can nip this thing before it balloons into something so monstrous in nature.  I’ll be more quick to analyzing and diagnosing myself in the future, I hope.

I never meant to harness such control in regards to dictating who she could be friends with.  It never stemmed from hostility, but insecurity.  I did not want the reigns on the relationship.  I am happy in the more submissive role.  But, I do want to feel secure.  I do want to feel cherished.  I want to fill the number one slot on her list of important parties involved in her life.  I need that reassurance.  But, I went about achieving it in the wrong way.  I should have expressed my concerns, allowed her the freedom she craves, and improve myself and our relationship in order to keep her interest level up.

She’s with me for a reason.  She’s with me and not someone else for a reason. And I know, and hope, that that reason is for love.

And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.


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About littlelostsunny

Lost inside her mind. Inspired to blog because if not the thoughts start to control my life. I needed an outlet.

Posted on September 14, 2009, in Long and Twisty Diary Entries. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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