Wedding vows are something that I always viewed as a bunch of shit and a waste of time. I always took them for granted, my child naivety leading me to just assume that two people in love would naturally be there for each other for better or worse, through hard times, through sickness and what not until death enforced separation upon them. It just made sense to me. I imagined that I would find a soulmate–someone who would never leave my side. Not in the way that a puppy dumbly remains steadfast at your feet through hell and high water. Not in that way. But, more so in the vein of just knowing that you are never truly alone, that someone that you love is always looking out for you. Though distance may physically separate you–that bond you have connects you at all times–not a second goes by where the other party is not at the forefront of your mind.
And each night when you lay your head down upon your pillow you know that right beside you rather in sight or in your mind is someone who knows you more intimately than anyone else you’ve ever met. That they know each dark secret, each quirk, each mole, and the exact number of hairs are on your head–because they count them while you’re sleeping. It’s comforting to know that despite this knowledge they love you–and perhaps love you even more because of it–and will continue to do so…forever.
It’s a wonderful feeling. It’s not complacency, but comfort. It’s not that you stop loving, stop caring, or stop showing affection just because you know that you are someone’s soul mate. It just allows you to walk on flat feet for a change–to stop tip-toeing around, to stop holding your breath each time the wind changes direction. To allow yourself a bit of security in your relationship. That ring around your finger will provide you with confidence or assuage your worry, it’s only true love that can give you that peace of mind. Money can not buy your heart. For me it’s only sincerity and intimacy that can win me over.
I always believe that there was a soul mate for me. And in March of 2007 I was sure that I had found her. My perfect foil in life. It was as if at birth we had been jaggedly cut apart with an old rickety hacksaw, bone ripping apart in ways that made us individualized and incapable of fitting together with anyone else other than each other. It sometimes takes a life time to discover who we are made for, but when you know…you know.
And I feel as though I have been duped now. I feel like maybe I have been led astray–that I have almost wasted two years of my life on something that was never meant to be. I had always assumed that she was my other half–my better half. The half that was reasonable when I was impulsive, responsible when I was reckless, mature when I was childish, and sound when I was impossible to quiet down. I was the jester and she was the king. My role in this relationship was to make her life better, to brighten her day, and to lend her my ear when times were tough. And she was the stable noble leader of my kingdom–providing me with the safety, stability and control that I so desperately craved and desired.
We needed each other.
I found her when I wasn’t looking for love and it was only an act of fate that she was there that night. It all seemed so destined for a happy ending.
But, sometimes life gets in the way and the timing is never right. It’s something that you have to fight through in order to preserve and maintain that which you long for.
I have a beautiful and somehow untainted view on love. And even on my own love, which I still view as new and fresh. A year and a half later and she still takes my breath away each and every time I lay eyes on her. There is always that momentary rush of adrenaline and excitement when I realize that this gorgeous woman is mine. Nothing about my feelings for her are fabricated or manufactured. What I say is what I mean. She is stunning and a beautiful person inside and out.
She is everything I wish I was and everything I aspire to be. And throughout the tumultuous past couple of months my adoration for her has only grown more established and true. Sometimes it just takes time for me to understand all that is right in front of me. I see things, but I may not truly comprehend them for much longer–but then eventually and without warning it will just hit me and all of the pieces will put themselves together right before my eyes.
And now I know. I blew my opportunity of grabbing hold of unconditional love when it was there. I threw it away for a throwaway romp in the sheets with this young pretty thing. That’s really diminishing the entire situation down to what it is its most rudiment and basic level. Because all that matters are the facts. I slept with someone else. I was untrue. I was unfaithful.
I raised my middle finger wildly in the air and shouted “FUCK YOU VOWS” at the top of my lungs.
True, we were not married. But, we didn’t need a piece of paper to dictate the level and intensity of our relationship. We were that committed. We were that exclusive. We did not want anyone else. But times got a little hard, distance forced us apart for weeks at a time, tension ran high, tempers flared, and I found someone to treat me with respect and admiration. I was weak where Em was strong.
And I fucked up.
Things are different now. I’m wanting to regain that strength of compatibility. I’m ready to fall asleep bare and naked beneath crisp white sheets, entangled in each others arms, having no worry or fear of harm because no matter what happens–we would have each other. I’m ready to wake up every single morning to her sleeping face, peaceful and content, her gentle breathing causing her shoulders to rise and fall ever so slightly in an almost hypnotic rhythm, her hair a beautiful mess of chestnut waves. I’m ready to be the person she turns to in times of duress. To be the one to pick her up when life knocks her down. To be the shoulder she cries on. To be the one she calls, her voice saturated with excitement when she excels at work. The one who brings her lunch when she’s least expecting it.
I want to be her one and only.
We can’t hit the rewind button in life. We can’t push pause. The only button we have access to is “play.” And I’m giving the present my full attention. I’m pursuing my goal with the utmost passion and desire. I can’t lose her again. For I may have misread my original destiny. Maybe she’s not my perfect soul mate. Maybe she’s not my other part. But, for her I would gladly serrate my body in order to customize a better fit. Whatever it took to change I would gladly endure.
She is the one for me and if I have to color myself a different color for her, I would with a smile on my face. All for that one kiss. That one moment that makes this all real and worth it. It’s coming. I just have to fight. And I will.
But it’s not my turn to fight. We have traded roles. Whereas I was the one to give up, to want something else, to turn my back on her affection–I am now the one wanting commitment, wanting love, wanting the life-long partner. And she is the one taking everything and giving nothing in return. It’s grown to be completely one-sided and every time I say I love you I’m met with silence in return. It’s beyond hard. It’s devastating. I’m being lied to about trivial things. White lies that trickle so freely out of her mouth. She wants trust, but she can’t have that until I can believe what she says as honesty. Dishonesty is the one thing I cannot see past. I can forgive many things, but lying is not one of those. And I will step away from this. Hoping that at some point in the future she will see the error in her ways and return to me. Until then, I’ll be waiting.