I’m not feeling that cohesive today. More like pieces of polarities pasted together by some generic brand adhesive. Not too whole, but not completely void of life either. I guess that’s a decent place to be on the spectrum of things. But, still not ideal, I suppose.
I am still staring almost religious (or fanatically) at the phone screen waiting for it to ring or to receive a text. I’m pretty sad and ridiculous in this case. I need a hobby, or a yob, or for my phone to just go ahead and break completely. As of right now I have full access of its uses–but it will not make noise–no ring, no text alert, no speaker phone. The screen will light up with incoming calls and shit, but it refuses to make a sound. I guess that’s not all bad. It allows me to get a few hours of sleep every night. I fall asleep with that plastic embodiment of hell in my clasped palm. And wake up to the disappointment of unrequited love every day.
God, I am emo.
So, anyways, sometimes in the middle of night I will wake up and this moment of clarity and occasional epiphanies will hit me. I typically will reach for my cellular device in these instances to record these flashes of brilliance so that I could remember them in the morning. Well, yesterday was one of these times. So, this afternoon I was all excited and what not to read what amazing words I had concocted the previous eve. Only to discover that clearly the sleeping medication I have been taken fucked with my brain and allowed the following masterpiece to be documented:
“Looking out a ship across ther b. Creating it the salted air the gentl breeze.”
That’s a quote.
I also managed to jot down, “I was taut from early on to take my knocks with grace.”
That one makes more sense, but I love how I spelled “taught.” Sigh.
I think I’m losing my poetic flare. I still think in poetry 95 percent of the time. If I feel passionately about something you can bet that in my head I’m turning my emotions into an abstract and complex piece of literary fodder. That’s just who I am. It’s what I do. And if I had to make something of what I wrote last night. I would turn it into:
Standing on the dock, alone.
Memories of you drift near.
Looking out across the bay
Ship worn with rust through the years.
Your reflection fills every wave.
Your voice ripples with the sea.
My face caked with salted air.
Hair matted down from the gentle breeze.
Blue eyes squint as my gaze shifts to the sun.
Searching for what was lost.
What will never return.
Pray the harbor can shelter me from the storm.
Protect my heart from vicious winds of change.
Delay the shatter, delay the break til dawn.
For tonight, let me lie here in the surf and take it in.
Lament my past and soak in the present day.
The sun ducks beneath the sight line of horizons
The stillness of the tide and beating heart.
Enveloped in the sanctity of the moment.
Of the peace the world provides.
I breathe in the smells.
I breathe in the silence.
For tomorrow my soul will die.
The end stares me in the wary face.
Footprints leading home begin to disappear.
A deep breath fills the lungs with hope.
My exhale preps me for my doom.
My life alone. No hand to hold.
These fears I never spoke out loud.
Diving deep beneath the black abyss.
For now my life is done.
Anyways, that came together in like ten minutes. That’s how my brain processes things. It’s how I deal..how I analyze. I think it’s one of my favorite parts of me and one of the worst parts about who I am. I’m a thinker. I don’t have a mind like most people. I live in this sort of alternate universe, where I just ponder and contemplate all day. Someone can do a simple gesture or say a single sentence to me and I will pick it apart until I believe I completely decipher what they really meant. When in all honesty they may have meant EXACTLY what they said. I’m the only one who hides meaning in the most mundane of things. I’m the only who inflates every action I partake in with symbolism. I’m so calculated in my maneuvers, but I am growing to realize that most people are not. In fact, most don’t even have enough spare brain capacity to be as crazy as me. MOST spend so much time on work and life that they don’t have a spare calorie of energy to waste on puzzles and problem solving. They just say the bare minimum with as much lack luster and punch as they can muster.
And now I just went and discovered another lie my girlfriend has told me. And with that I must end this blog because I’m so upset.