Oreo without the Filling
I feel today like I am completely empty. Like how much fun would a Fig Newton* be without the mysterious innards? Or, like, a Gusher without the gush? Or a mozzarella stick without the mozzarella? Ok. That would be just fried batter–which would probably still be awesome.
I must be hungry.
But, I already ate. I had a Banquet frozen dinner. It was turkey with dressing, peas and mashed potatoes. It cost me 67 cents. Less than 300 calories does not a meal make. I’ll have to scavenge later tonight like a fucking raccoon. I am not as cute as a raccoon though–but also less likely to gouge your eyes out and hiss and scratch. I’m much more subdued. I just attack the heart and the brain. Sigh.
So, the past couple of days have been shitty. Very depressed, very undervalued, very unworthy, very unloved, etc. etc. That’s what happens when your girlfriend has NOTHING left to give in a relationship. When she told me that I was going to have to carry this thing on my shoulders for awhile–that it was me who would have to give everything–that she had NO patience left. She surely was not kidding.
I’m having to be perfect right now. And it’s hard. Because lord knows I’m not perfect. I’m the first person to admit that. But, damn if I am not trying really hard. I know that this is my mess to clean up. I cheated on her. Every time I say that it starts to hurt more and more–the words acting like a knife plunging through my heart and into her back–twisting with every mention of my mistake. And it was a mistake. A moment of weakness. I thought I was in love with someone else. But, it was just angsty lust.
But, without the events of July and August I would be a different person than I am today. I’m in a different place now. I’ve grown, I’ve matured, I’ve settled down and now see the world painted in a different brighter shade than I did before.
Had I not been unfaithful I would not have learned to value Em the way I do now. I would have continued to take her for granted. I would have continued to settle for complacency. I would push her and push her until she was so far away the void would be insurmountable–and no amount of therapy or heart-to-hearts could fix it.
Something had to give. Something needed to change. Turns out for me it was seeing the other side of the spectrum. It was being with other people. It was witnessing and truly understanding that no one else could compare to who she was as a partner, as the piece of me that I never realized I was missing.
I didn’t know that I was looking for all along was right there in front of me. Kind of beautifully poetic and tragic. I will not be able to ever live it down though. It hurt her to such a degree that she can never truly recover. When she looks at me, she will sometimes flash back to that period of our life and be sucker punched. Memories that she cannot erase–only submerge.
So, while one of us came out of that situation enlightened the other saw nothing but the darkness of depression. That might be the death of us. It might prove to be a mistake that will always create a rift in what should and could be so beautiful.
But, for the time being I’m the one that has to suffer. I don’t believe she does it to be mean or to hurt me. She’s not the vindictive type–not trying to “get back at me” for what I did to her. She just is not going to allow me an inch of breathing room. I’m not allowed to express jealousy, to expect kindness or love, or to ask for anything from her. I have to give give give while she believes she has the freedom to take take take. And that is, of course, ok–to a degree.
I can’t keep trying to fix everything, to make this work, when she is constantly threatening to give up and quit. I cannot continue to persevere and take blow after blow, the whelps adding up on my back, if I feel that the moment I stumble even slightly–I will lose her forever.
It’s just not a healthy relationship right now. We are trying. We are working so hard to push through the piles of shit that have accumulated. Each conversation getting more and more normal–more and more civil. Things are improving, no doubt. But, we are both empty.
She feels she is tapped out in regards to this relationship–and I just believe that I have had the love and life beaten out of me.
My enthusiasm, my vibrancy, my passion for life–all drained out replaced by this ever-growing fear of losing my other half. Of losing my best friend. I’m not comfortable. I’m not secure. I’m not even sure she loves me.
But, the best things in life are worth fighting for. And she sure does look cute in a suit.
*I just did research on Fig Newtons and learned that they have been around since the 1890’s! I also learned that they really do have a fig filling, which just seems odd and very unsexy. Not that I ever found Fig Newtons sexy. That sounds like something that would turn Liz Lemon on. I’m more of a Greek food person in that area. And some tacos are very sexy. Too far? Probably. Anyways, raspberry is a weird word.