A Night to Remember

I believe in love, it’s all we got
Love has no boundaries, costs nothing to touch

There are some moments in time that you just don’t forget.  For many they are dates forever etched in history books–the day JFK was assassinated, 09/11/01, the Challenger Explosion.    Dates that will forever live in infamy.  We all remember where we were, what we were doing, and who we were with on those fateful days.  It’s the tragedies we remember–more than the moments of elation. It’s the times where we feel our stomach literally hit absolute rock bottom that stick out in our minds.  Instances where we know that life as we previously knew it would be changed…forever.

Today–and more specifically tonight–was one such period of time.   I will never be the same after all that I experienced.  It was a tumultuous day to say the very least.  I awoke from an uneventful yet peaceful slumber to find that my world had been flipped upside down.  The hows and whys at that point were beyond irrelevant.  What was at the front of my mind was how to fix it.   I went into survival mode.  Each step I took was carefully planned out–I was trying to avoid saying or doing anything that could dig my grave any deeper.

It’s often said that people in intimate relationships with BPD sufferers feel as though they are “walking on eggshells.”  But, I’ve been doing the same uncertain tortured dance in recent days.   I am having to pay extremely close attention to my every move for nothing will go unnoticed.  I am, in every single way directly under a microscopic eye.   And the side effects are beyond noticeable.

I have spent roughly 60 percent of the day in tears.  I’ve cried more tonight than I have in the past five years combined.  And damn if I haven’t given myself a mega-migraine as a direct result of it.  My eyes are puffy and red, my face swollen and disfigured, my pain and anguish easily readable on my pitiful facade.  I’m a mess to be sure.

And all because of this fucking disorder that controls my life.  My intentions are always true and sincere.  I shoot for the stars in every avenue of my life.  I don’t half-ass things.  If I do something I give it my all and expect nothing less than perfection.  And when I feel that I cannot excel at the standards I set into place for myself–I quit.  Black or White.  All or nothing.  So, when I dedicate all of my concentration, blood, sweat and tears into a task–in this instance my relationship–I make it impossible for my partner to be unhappy.  I make it my responsibility to do whatever it takes to be the best fuckin’ girlfriend I can be.  I will send sweet texts,  cook dinner even though I may burn the house down in the process,  prance around in lingerie despite feeling ugly and ridiculous.  I will go hang out at the bar even though I loathe mingling with strangers and am more or less a social misfit.  I will go to the lake even if I don’t want people to see my hideous face without make-up or the cellulite on my legs.  I will tuck a love letter inside her suit pocket in the morning for her to discover when work gets her down.  I will scrub the mold off of the shower and clean up the litter box without being asked.  I do these things because love is a good enough reason to do just about anything.

And trust me… I do know what love is.

But, loving someone is just not enough.  Em knows that my heart is an abyss of love and devotion, but if my disorder skews and masks it enough to where she has to believe it rather than see or feel it.  Then that’s a problem.  Love  has to be felt.  And recently I’ve been avoiding facing that reality.  I’ve wanted to believe that I was the same caring individual I had always been & that nothing had changed.   I ignored it until tonight.

I have been unknowingly knocking the fight out of her; blow by blow my punches landed upon her lithe frame, contorting her, clawing at her insides, breaking her until what was left was nothing more than bone, truths and a shattered spirit.

I did this.  I destroyed something beautiful.

We had a magical thing going , Em and I.  We were an adorable couple.  Our polarities were a welcome change of pace for us both–we complemented each other in ways that had to be witnessed to be understood.  But, we never had an easy go at it.  We always had life working against us.  During our time together we dealt with: an eating disorder (me), unemployment (me), dropping out of school twice (me), indecisiveness (me), a shittastic Catholic family who refused to acknowledge my existence, a living situation that threatened to tear us apart (both of us), lack of financial security and stability (me and me), a lack of patience, understanding and some unresolved anger issues (her), my social inadequacies and peculiarities, hundreds of miles creating a physical distance and separation followed by an emotional void–and above all was the umbrella of the BPD.   It hasn’t been easy.  Not once. We’ve persevered through so much that it feels like we must always cling to one another to make it through any obstacle in life.  We need each other.  Or at least–I need her.   I admit it.

But, she has reached her breaking point.  Her patience in dealing with someone with such a kaleidoscopic set of moods and feelings has dwindled down to nothing.  She was always up front about her lack of patience and she has come SO FAR in terms of dealing with me.  I’m beyond appreciative and proud of her for standing by me through this entire ordeal.  It takes a special kind of person to put up with me on a day-to-day basis.  I am sure my parents have had many a moment where they have wished I did not exist.  If it’s hard for you– you have to believe it’s hard for me too.  I’m cognizant of my flaws and yet am apparently incapable of  fixing them.

But, I will try.   And with much immediacy, for I have no more chances left.

I have been granted a reprieve time and time again from Emily.  And I can only assume it’s because she sees the good in me.  She sees the immense talent, intelligence and long term potential simmering right beneath the skin.  It’s there.  Much like looking at fish in a pond–you can see a school of them swimming right below the surface, but when you try to grab them they evade your grasp.  That’s how it’s been with Em.  She can see the positive attributes there, lots of them, but they are too quick and fleeting.

And that’s the devastating part.  I don’t want to be remembered as someone with lots of potential they failed to live up to.  I do not want that to be my legacy.  But, even more importantly, I don’t want to fail as a partner to the most wonderful person I have ever known.  That to me would be the bigger travesty.  For I know what I have to offer her would be greater and more valuable than all of the riches and treasures in the world.   One cannot buy happiness with money alone–but I could give that to her–and truly is there a better gift?   I tend to think that there is not.    I can see our future sprawled out in front of me on a map as of yet unpaved.   Each day we make our mark upon the blank canvas carving out our niche in the history books.

And not once in the past two years has my future been pictured or planned without Em by my side.

We are each others person.  I have many friends, but none who I will ever value on a level like I do with her.  She would never let me down.  She would always be there for me if I were in a bind.  She is my everything.

We both share this ridiculous fascination with fairy tale romances and the happily ever after that comes with that neatly tied up package.  We want that.  We believe that we had found that in each other and that these rough patches were just tests of our endurance and devotion.  Why would two rational intelligent people put ourselves in a position where we are constantly hurt and belittled if we did not see the light at the end of the tunnel?  If we did not see love in each others eyes?

When you find something  this special you make sure you hold on to it.  No matter what.  You fight off the demons, you ignore the pleas to call it quits, you brush off the hurt and the pain.  You FIGHT for it.  Love is a fucking battlefield.  It’s not supposed to be easy, because if it were everyone would have a taste of it.  Few escape unscathed, but those who do are the victors we turn to admire when our weary legs wobble beneath us, begging us to wave the white flag desperately into the air.  For when it gets tough, when it gets this hard, you grit your teeth and you take another step forward towards your final destination–and when you reach it…it will be worth it and you will be rewarded.

Em and I have both been all but consumed by exhaustion.  Our bodies depleted from the emotional whirlwind we have found ourselves in.  She is ready to give up, to collapse onto the heaps of unfortunate souls who have fallen before her.  Her desire to quit has strengthened my internal passion for achieving that which we have fought so long and hard for.  To quit now would be a move that I feel we would both regret in the end.  You only get one shot at this type of love.  I recognize that now.

It was only when I faced losing her forever that I vowed to change my ways.  And unlike many people… I can and will amend my behaviors.  I have to.  For having her cut out of my life is not an option I am willing to swallow just yet.  I realize that she is serious about this.  I have to address my flaws.  I have to pay attention to her needs.  I have to be understanding of her cautious awareness and her trepidations.  I have to accept that this relationship is on her time line now.  She is the dictator for the near future.  And I will follow her to the death if that is what is instructed of me.  Healthy by social standards?  Perhaps not.  But, this is bigger than that.  And I’m able to see that before it’s too late.

Almost losing her tonight was the scariest moment of my life.

My biggest problems in this relationship is not wanting to share her,wanting to see her too much and disagreeing with her when all she wants is the best for me.  Sigh.  All things that can be easily resolved.   Sometimes I forget that she isn’t perfect.  In my mind I typically see her as golden, shiny and invincible–a superhuman of sorts–which leads to a multitude of issues developing when she lets me down.  When I see her weak or vulnerable–I am unable to process or tolerate it.  But, I’m learning.

I love her more than I can say.  I’ve learned the meaning of love during the evolution of our relationship.  As time went on I lost sight of what it really meant–complacency set in and I forgot what it took to keep the gears well-oiled.  And now I know.  Now I know.

I know what you all are thinking–really Sunny?  Again?  Do you learn nothing?  Do you not notice a pattern?  In fact, I had a throw down with my mother today about my wanting to travel to San Antonio to surprise Em.  She rescinded her support of my decisions.  She refuses to listen to my logic and rationale.  It’s only my true friends who support me no matter what move I make.  They provide me with their advice, but still back me when I make the ultimate decision.  You guys know who you are…and thank you.  🙂   I realize that my parent’s advice is sound.  They tell me that the other person does not deserve me, that we are not compatible as partners, or that we are making a mistake by forcing something out of nothing.  And I suppose this is the price I pay for involving those around me  in my personal lives.  But, no one knows the dynamics and the love and passion involved here but myself and Emily.  We are not the norm.  We can’t be put into a box.  We are Sunny and Emily.  I appreciate the support from friends and family, but this is my battle to fight.  And “all of these scars can’t be for nothing.”  And to quote a Brandi Carlile song off of her upcoming album, “I can make my own mistakes.  Learn to let it bend before it breaks.”

I will fight for this.  No one will ever love her as much as I do.  And now is the time for me to prove that.  I won’t let her down.  I won’t let the believers in love and fairy tales down.  For she is my prince charming.  My knight in shining armor.  And my savior from the realities of this shit world.

I love you.

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About littlelostsunny

Lost inside her mind. Inspired to blog because if not the thoughts start to control my life. I needed an outlet.

Posted on September 5, 2009, in Long and Twisty Diary Entries and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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