FML

Blow by blow.
I didn’t see it coming.
Blow by blow.
Suckerpunch.

Left hook.
I didn’t see it coming.
Left hook.
You’ve got dead aim.

I am rarely blindsided. Few things surprise me anymore. I truly believe in many ways that I carve out my own destiny. And because of this I am usually prepped and prepared for all of the bad things that seem to keep coming my way.

But, today was different.

I awoke this morning with an unidentifiable weight off of my chest, I stretched my legs, let out a heavy relief and simultaneously adopted a renewed sense of faith and optimism for the future. I had had a very event filled evening of unhappiness and tears and I was just happy to have slept off the grief. However, the morning brought upon more devastation.

I received two text messages that would go on to change the course of my life, forever.
“Seriously not cool. I am not doing this anymore. I hope you’re happy. Take care.”
And
“I am done. You should not hurt my friends like that. I will find a way to get your stuff to you.”

My immediate response was to stare at the phone, mouth agape with consternation, brow furrowed furiously trying to pulls bits of information out from the night before. What friends? What had I done? And after several minutes of pure confusion and panic I came to the conclusion that I had done nothing wrong. That whatever Emily was upset about was nothing other than a grave misunderstanding. I gave her a call, hoping to quickly clear whatever was blurring her vision up in seconds. Boy was I wrong.

Turns out that the hours to follow would be filled with sobs, heaving shoulders, pain that can never be fully iterated through my mediocre vocabulary, an emptiness in the pit of my stomach came into existence that will never again be filled with anything other than desolation and broken dreams. Even as I sit here now I can’t control the furious downpour of tears. This entire situation has been beyond my control.

I’m not writing this for sympathy. I’m not writing this to blame anyone for anything. I’m writing this to make sense of what has happened to me. To try to wrap my head around the monolithic nature of this debacle. This life altering chain of events that I will turn over and over again in my mind trying to figure out what happened and what went wrong.

All I can pinpoint right now was that last night my girlfriend went out with a friend who makes me nervous, uncomfortable and yes…jealous. I asked my gf if she could wait until I meet this woman before she cavorts around San Antonio with her again. I’m not too proud to admit that I am threatened occasionally by other women. It’s no secret that I rarely feel comfortable in my own skin. I do not feel valued in my relationship. I do not feel special. I do not even feel worthy of what I have somehow obtained. So, when a new woman comes into the picture and my girlfriend speaks only glowing things about her–how smart, how funny, how talented she is, then I worry. And that worry becomes exponentially increased when I know they communicate through the phone and online more often than she communicates with me. And when she goes out with her on what I perceive to be a date–five hours plus with one-on-one time where one party is paying for the others tabs (food and otherwise). I do start to worry. Especially when my gf is not being one hundred percent honest and upfront with me about these occurrences. I used to be a good kid too. I grew up thinking that I would NEVER be unfaithful. And look where that got me.

So, I was uncomfortable and she did nothing to make me feel more at ease with the situation.

She attacks me for not letting her have friends, but the truth of the matter is–it’s one friend that I take issue with. One new friend who has only been in her life for three weeks. And it’s not that I won’t allow her to have these friends–I would just like to meet them first. So, I’m a little insecure sometimes. It’s part of the deal that she, as my significant other, has to deal with and do what it takes to earn my trust. This does not happen by yelling at me and not taking my calls when with said person.

At any rate, last night I was upset. If I had seen this other woman I probably would have punched her stupid face. But, that was because when there is something worth fighting for…you better fucking believe I will fight tooth and nail for it. And my relationship is always worth it. It’s my life. And I will defend it.

So, this morning apparently this mysterious other woman sent Emily a message saying that I had harmed her professional career by publishing remarks about her saying that she was old and unattractive among other things, I think? I’m not sure because I have not read this letter and have only had it briefly summarized to me.

One can only imagine how infuriated I am at this accusation.

Fact of the matter is I did mention some similar things in my blog, which no one reads. Because I am a loser nobody. And I quote:
“Today I bluntly and unemotionally explained to my girlfriend, who I think I was back on with, that I no longer wanted her to communicate with me. I blocked her on AIM, I deleted her as a facebook friend, and refuse to take her calls. Why? Because I am threatened by one of her new friends. This new friend is 40+ years old, unattractive, but brilliant, hilarious and similar to my gf in many ways that I differ from her. They’ve known each other for less than three weeks and already have become intimate friends. Not physically, but emotionally. And I feel threatened. I have little to offer a significant other. I want to be more than just arm candy, which honestly would be embarrassing if I was viewed as a physical specimen of beauty by anyone. I want to be wanted for who I am as a person. I don’t want to play second fiddle to anyone in a relationship and don’t feel I should have to. Oh, and I forgot to mention that this woman is apparently head over heels in lust with Em. So, naturally my radar goes into a frenetic frenzy. I presented an ultimatum to Em–she can wait to hang out with this new friend until this weekend when I could meet her and gauge their behavior and connection or this could be over. I was given a very stern “NO!” and with that she went out for drinks with that very same woman.”

“Now, here is where the glaring amazing double standard lies. I expect Emily to be ok with my friendships with women who I actually HAVE slept with. Granted, my views on sex are much more lax than hers. I think sex can be just for fun without emotional attachments. Whereas Em is a stern opponent of this belief. Thus, my fucking someone is not a threat to Emily. But her doing the same would be an incredible insult to me. I cant help the fact that all of my friends are drop dead gorgeous. That’s just good fortune on my part. But, that’s neither here nor there. I am just baffled that I still get all butthurt when Em wants to be bff’s with someone that she has no physical attraction to. She has also never expressed anything but extreme dislike for cheaters and is solely interested in monogamy. And yet, I can’t seem to let that make me ok with the situation. I’m still hurt. I still want her to choose me over everyone else all the time.

But, I’m learning I can’t have that. And I don’t even deserve it.”

—————-
And that is the extent of my mentioning this other person. Did you see a name there? No. You see Em’s name, because, well she’s my fucking girlfriend. Or she was. But, I know better than to mention this other person. I’m not that much of a douche. I really wanted to hurt her. But, I did not. Because I am better than that (and I could not find a contact number/email LOL).

To be honest, I am one hundred percent in the right here and yet my girlfriend of a year and a half is choosing to believe this other person over me. Me, who never tells a lie… I take accountability for my own actions. When I cheated on Em, I told her the next day. I knew she would be hurt. I knew she would break up with me. I knew I would never be able to earn all of that trust back. But, I can’t have a guilty conscience. I can’t live with myself. And if I had done this… I would admit it. I’d probably be proud of myself. But, I did not.

And yeah, Emily broke up with me. That’s her choice. But, knowing that she mistrusts me to the point of believing someone who she has known for less than a month over me… that’s pretty damn heartbreaking and has destroyed every fiber, every cord and every fucking piece of what was left of my heart and soul.

She still refuses to talk to me. I can’t get anything except for exasperated vocalizations of her annoyance and hate towards me on the phone. Despite me being an innocent party. I don’t even know how this situation has escalated to this point. Is this other woman trying to destroy Em and I’s relationship so that she could have a chance with her? Is she just vindictive and wanting to hurt someone she has never met? Why is she stalking my blog? She’s in her 40’s… why do I have to be the mature and responsible one? Why!?

I don’t know. But, I’m not one to sit back and let someone fuck around with my life. This is my future she is fucking with… the love of my life. And it’s not only hurting me, but it’s hurting Emily as well. And that is just beyond unacceptable. I have learned from my past mistakes. I have learned to never hurt the person you love intentionally. I have grown from my missteps. I would not have done this to Em. And she should know to believe me.

To summarize. Fuck my life. I’m taking sleeping pills and hoping tomorrow is a better day.
Peace.

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About littlelostsunny

Lost inside her mind. Inspired to blog because if not the thoughts start to control my life. I needed an outlet.

Posted on September 4, 2009, in Long and Twisty Diary Entries and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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