The World According to Sun
Relationships are weird. And I’m not sure if I’m a fan of them as a general rule. Of course, I’m a definite freak of nature in so many ways–that no one should be surprised that I would harbor such nontraditional views on these things. It should just be commonplace at this point!
Let’s see, why do I loathe relationships so? I think it’s the rules and the boundaries that they immediately set into place. I hate following other people’s idea of what is “right” and “normal.” I want to go through life doing what I feel is appropriate or best for me at the time. If it goes against someone else’s belief or idea of what is acceptable–then so be it. I don’t care. If I’m not hurting anyone, who gives a fuck?
However, what I have learned through my foray into the world of love and relationships, is that things I do CAN and WILL hurt people. Sure, that one-night stand that I had might not of meant anything to me personally, but it sure as shit affected my girlfriend at the time. It was a boundary that I crossed. A boundary I didn’t want and didn’t even realize I was stepping over. Sometimes, when I get so deeply wedged inside my head, it’s difficult for me to imagine anyone else having thoughts and feelings. I only see what is right in front of me. It is literally impossible for me to connect point A to point B–meaning, I don’t realize that the actions I’m taking will have certain consequences later on. All I can focus on is obtaining that which immediately gratifies my senses. One can imagine how this could have an affect on my life in many, many ways.
I face down the barrel of a gun every single day. I have to make choices that I know will have no positive outcomes. If I am in a relationship, sexual or platonic, I will have periods where I am euphoric and elated at what good fortune I have–but then there will be the times that the other party can do no right. It is in these moments that those involved intimately in my life begin to seriously ponder the question of, “Is this even worth it?”
Sometimes said significant others make their frustrations incredibly explicit and do not hesitate in vocalizing their discontent in great detail. This is how I have learned that my behavior was extraordinary atypical to the majority of the population. Up until this point I just assumed that everyone was BSC*. But, no. Just me and the other 5% of the nation suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.
I don’t really want to talk about it too much. Just know that it sucks and it makes people dealing with it do crazy things that we know are crazy but can’t control.
I had a shit ton of difficultly dealing with my on-again/off-again girlfriend today. We broke up at the beginning of July due to my frustrations with being forced to submit into domesticity. I wasn’t ready to give up my perceived freedom and she wasn’t going to grant me that. So, we broke up–I traversed my way over to College Station and had myself a grand ole’ time. I imbibed the culture of university aged students. I drank, I smoked, I partied, I got laid, etc. etc. I basically lashed out against everything my girlfriend was unknowingly imposing upon me.
Because of the eating disorder that debilitated and consumed my social life during my college years, I had never dipped my toe into the party-hard style of existing. I kept to myself, buried my head in the library books at Evans, and avoided eating. That was my life back then. And then I met someone in March of 2007 who captured my intrigue, made me want to change as a person, held my hand through the ups and downs of my recovery–and nursed me back into a functioning human being. But, once I was standing on my own two feet again I got restless. I wanted more than what I was being offered. I did not want to be stifled or repressed. I was finally tasting freedom and much like an unbroken colt wanted to fully stretch my legs out on the open plains. Selfish? Of course. But, a seemingly natural progression of things.
So, I broke it off with the person who I singlehandedly attribute with healing my body and soul the past year and a half. She was there for me through it all and the moment I no longer needed a crutch–I bolted. I didn’t want to be chased. I didn’t want to be pursued . I just wanted the fuck out of there. And I ran into the open arms of promise and excitement. I finally found people who I felt understood me on an intrinsic level. They saw beneath the smile etched delicately on the surface and into the cloudy blue-gray eyes that held such pain and desolation. They got me. They took me in when I had nowhere else to go.
I had never met people like them. They opened their mouths and streams of sociological theories, philosophies, theologies, musical techniques and histories escaped their pursed lips. They offered me the world. Arms outstretched, they unfolded their extended palms and presented to me plentiful opportunities, greater truths and acceptance. I learned more from them during those two months than I had my entire twenty-three previous years. Every single fucking second of every day led to my growth as a person–my mind would open a little wider, my eyes would become a little more clear, my ears more capable of honing in on what was real and authentic and what was merely a manufactured truth. I wouldn’t trade a second of those days spent with them. It was a life-changing experience. It was like my own personal Age of Enlightenment.
However, of course, I would be the world’s king of all mega-bitches and other such fuckery if I didn’t state that I wish I would have handled things differently. Because, well, the part that I have neglected to mention would be that during this time–during this period where I was off in my own little world–I had rekindled my relationship with my girlfriend. Oh, did I forget to mention that? Yeah. Well I forgot to mention it to myself apparently too–because it did not register with me at all when I was cavorting around with these women. I did not…for even one second think, “Oh, well I probably shouldn’t sleep with this person because I’m in a relationship.” Not once. I was completely entranced with my own selfish indulgences. So, completely transfixed by all that these new found acquaintances were injecting into my brain that the idea of anyone else even existing was impossible to comprehend.
Hm. It’s starting to sound as though I was in a cult. Hmm. Hadn’t thought of it like that, but shit, maybe I was? But, a cult that promoted knowledge, progress and general growth as people. Something that I would totally support in another context, but in this instance I was in the wrong. I am someone who promotes selflessness and there I was CHEATING on my soul mate-on my partner–on my best friend. Why? Because I was afraid of throwing away my freedom in life. I was terrified of becoming a housewife, of becoming a victim of conformity and mundanity. That wasn’t something I had asked for or even wanted. It had fallen into my lap and for lack of a better alternative I had allowed it to develop into something so serious.
But, that gave me no excuse to fall in lust with another and not only to have those feelings–but to act upon them. I should not have reconciled with my ex at that time. But, I feared that if I did not do it then–I would have lost my chance to ever have her again. I could not take that chance. I knew that at some point in the not so distance future I would snap out of my desire to pursue youthful irresponsibility and irreverency. That was my only way of securing some semblance of happiness for the future. It was wrong, I realize that. So very wrong, but it was an act of desperation.
I don’t perform many actions without thinking. When I’m in my right state of mind, I typically say and do everything after much calculation and deliberation. I’m a smart girl. Sometimes I’m even too intelligent for my own good. But, that becomes a moot point when my brain switches into this altered state and I start acting out in survival mode all the damn time. It sucks. And my control over it is limited to accepting that I am no longer in control of anything at all. Helpful, eh?
All in all, my situation might seem helpless so frequently, but when things are going well they are going SO well that I forget about the dark periods. And that’s a good thing. When I’m having a day free from the crippling burden of paranoia and anxiety–I loathe the moment when my body loses the fight against sleep. I want to prolong the hours. I want to savor the seconds, taste the normalcy on my tongue, wrap my arms around the feeling of freedom–however fleeting it may turn out to be. But, sleep does eventually always win over, and I never know what I will wake up to in the morning–for every dawn brings a new day…and with a new day comes a new set of situations and scenarios to wrap my brain around.
Can you see why I’m undatable? Unfriendable? Intolerable? Thought so. At least I’m honest about my shortcomings and pitfalls.
I discovered this quiz online today about Borderline Personality Disorder. And for those close to me–have a good laugh at how eerily accurately it pinpoints me. It’s fucking hilarious.
- Does criticism from other people, even in small measure, make you feel horrible inside?
- Would you say your emotional life has been characterized by anguish?
- Have you found it hard to have close friends for very long?
- Do you feel like you have less friends than those around you?
- Do you tend to, at first, over idealize people and later often feel let down by them?
- Have you ever been accused of behaving in ways that are all or nothing with nothing in between?
- Have you taken on the values, habits and preferences of people, institutions, religions or philosophies, only to regret this decision later?
- Have you experienced intense episodes of sadness, irritability, and anxiety or panic attacks?
- Have you often felt raw? exhausted? in despair?
- Do you have trouble sleeping?
- Have you experienced chronic feelings of emptiness? Have you experienced a physical manifestation of this in your stomach or chest?
- Do you have trouble being alone?
- Have you experienced intense relationships?
- Do you feel like other people’s emotional needs are too great?
- Have you felt depleted from giving it your all to relationships?
- Have you felt like since you’ve given it all to relationships and they haven’t worked, that your only choice for sanity and balance is to not be in a relationship?
- Do you often feel lonely even when you are in a relationship?
- Do you consciously or unconsciously fear being abandoned?
- Do you seem to require more time with your partner than those you observe around you?
- Does your partner accuse you of having a double standard about the relationship?
- Have you said you feel “unsafe” in your relationship?
- Do you feel like your partner isn’t telling you everything?
- Have you ever experienced an overpowering feeling that your partner was keeping things from you? Has your partner expressed feeling falsely accused of doing or saying things?
- Do social engagements and vacations often end up in turmoil?
- Do you feel a strong need for control?
- Are you often afraid that the world is going to cave in on you… that your life is going to collapse if you aren’t in control of everything?
- Have you demonstrated outbursts in your most intimate relationships that seemed very appropriate at the time but you regretted later?
- Have you suffered from intense bouts of anger that last for hours, maybe even a few days?
- Are your expressions of anger sometimes followed by shame and guilt?
- Do you ever feel shameful?
- After a relationship has ended, have you felt like you’re experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome?
- Do you feel like any contact with that person causes you too much stress?
- Have you ever cut someone off and refused to speak to them?
- Have you continued to refuse contact no matter how hard they try to reach you?
- Do you use alcohol or drugs to soothe your emotional pain?
- Do you have, or has anyone suggested you have, an eating disorder?
- Have you been known to spend too much, eat too much, be sexually promiscuous, or drive too fast?
- Have others commented or complained you work too much?
- Has anyone ever accused you of being paranoid?
- Have you ever cut yourself?
- Have you ever experienced so much emotional pain that you felt like you wanted to die?
- Have you ever attempted suicide?
All I can say to that is *gulp*
Today I bluntly and unemotionally explained to my girlfriend, who I think I was back on with, that I no longer wanted her to communicate with me. I blocked her on AIM, I deleted her as a facebook friend, and refuse to take her calls. Why? Because I am threatened by one of her new friends. This new friend is 40+ years old, not Em’s type, but brilliant, hilarious and similar to my gf in many ways that I differ from her. They’ve known each other for less than three weeks and already have become intimate friends. Not physically, but emotionally. And I feel threatened. I have little to offer a significant other. I want to be more than just arm candy, which honestly would be embarrassing if I was viewed as a physical specimen of beauty by anyone. I want to be wanted for who I am as a person. I don’t want to play second fiddle to anyone in a relationship and don’t feel I should have to. Oh, and I forgot to mention that this woman is apparently head over heels in lust with Em. So, naturally my radar goes in a frenetic frenzy. I presented an ultimatum to Em–she can wait to hang out with this new friend until this weekend when I could meet her and gauge their behavior and connection or this could be over. I was given a very stern “NO!” and with that she went out for drinks with that very same woman.
Now, here is where the glaring amazing double standard lies. I expect Emily to be ok with my friendships with women who I actually HAVE slept with. Granted, my views on sex are much more lax than hers. I think sex can be just for fun without emotional attachments. Whereas Em is a stern opponent of this belief. Thus, my fucking someone is not a threat to Emily. But her doing the same would be an incredible insult to me. I cant help the fact that all of my friends are drop dead gorgeous. Thats just good fortune on my part. But, thats neither here nor there. I am just baffled that I still get all butthurt when Em wants to be bff’s with someone that she has no physical attraction to. She has also never expressed anything but extreme dislike for cheaters and is solely interested in monogamy. And yet, I can’t seem to let that make me ok with the situation. I’m still hurt. I still want her to choose me over everyone else all the time.
But, I’m learning I can’t have that. And I don’t even deserve it.
*BSC= Bat Shit Crazy