Reasons to not date/befriend me. AKA What I choose to do with my spare time. 07/06/09

They say it takes 28 days to break up a habit. Oh wait, I mean “break a habit.” I’m sorry–I clearly have break-ups on the mind. Now I don’t know specifics, but I would assume that this is day 7. It’s been one week: 168 hours: 10080 minutes: 604,800 seconds. Time in which I have discovered more about myself than I have in the past year. One tends to always analyze themselves in an attempt to predetermine how they would hypothetically handle a certain situation. We like to be mentally prepared for anything and everything that could potentially come our way. And god knows how many times I tried to rifle through my many thoughts to figure out what I would do if I suddenly found myself alone. Suddenly found myself reaching out, desperately searching for a hand to hold, and instead ends up clutching nothing but air. It’s a fear I’ve had in the back of my mind for years. Whether this fear was substantiated or justified will forever remain an enigma. But, there is no doubt that the worries, the sense of foreboding, the concerns…they were all very real to me. And whether or not this was understand by others was and will continue to be irrelevant.

Now, I am no hypochondriac. I never go to the doctor because I never truly believe there is anything wrong with me. I could have a bone sticking out of my arm and I would feel like I was overreacting if I suggested going to the hospital. I don’t get sick and if I do, I tend to let whatever it is run its course. I admit it, I’m stubborn. Unfortunately this hard-headed mentality has created an internal struggle between my sense of reason and my desire to heal myself. Anyone who knows me recognizes almost immediately that something is not quite right. After the initial meet-and-greet, I believe that it takes little detective work to realize that there is severe inner turmoil lying just beneath the surfaces of my skin. My smiling facade does little to camouflage the dark recesses of my insides.

To shed a little light on the subject. I present to you the one crippling impediment to my living a normal life. Meet BPD:
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual’s sense of self-identity. Originally thought to be at the “borderline” of psychosis, people with BPD suffer from a disorder of emotion regulation. While less well known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2 percent of adults, mostly young women.1 There is a high rate of self-injury without suicide intent, as well as a significant rate of suicide attempts and completed suicide in severe cases.2,3 Patients often need extensive mental health services, and account for 20 percent of psychiatric hospitalizations.4 Yet, with help, many improve over time and are eventually able to lead productive lives.

The main feature of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. People with borderline personality disorder are also usually very impulsive.

This disorder occurs in most by early adulthood. The unstable pattern of interacting with others has persisted for years and is usually closely related to the person’s self-image and early social interactions. The pattern is present in a variety of settings (e.g., not just at work or home) and often is accompanied by a similar lability (fluctuating back and forth, sometimes in a quick manner) in a person’s emotions and feelings. Relationships and the person’s emotion may often be characterized as being shallow.

Symptoms

While a person with depression or bipolar disorder typically endures the same mood for weeks, a person with BPD may experience intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that may last only hours, or at most a day. These may be associated with episodes of impulsive aggression, self-injury, and drug or alcohol abuse. Distortions in cognition and sense of self can lead to frequent changes in long-term goals, career plans, jobs, friendships, gender identity, and values. Sometimes people with BPD view themselves as fundamentally bad, or unworthy. They may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are. Such symptoms are most acute when people with BPD feel isolated and lacking in social support, and may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone.

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.

People with BPD exhibit other impulsive behaviors, such as excessive spending, binge eating and risky sex. BPD often occurs together with other psychiatric problems, particularly bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and other personality disorders.

The main feature of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image and emotions. People with borderline personality disorder are also usually very impulsive.

This disorder occurs in most by early adulthood. The unstable pattern of interacting with others has persisted for years and is usually closely related to the person’s self-image and early social interactions. The pattern is present in a variety of settings (e.g., not just at work or home) and often is accompanied by a similar lability (fluctuating back and forth, sometimes in a quick manner) in a person’s emotions and feelings. Relationships and the person’s emotion may often be characterized as being shallow.

——–

It is extremely hard for me to read those words as I can so vividly see myself in each sentence. I’ve dealt with these things for years. And while I am able to recognize when I am behaving in a way that is not “normal,” it’s near impossible for me to cease these destructive and clearly ridiculous behaviors. My only way of dealing with such issues is to physically separate myself from the situation at hand. My logical nature has been buried away by irrationality. Inside I know that I am a carefree, lovable, intelligent person. But, this shit that I have to wade through day in and day out has masked almost all traces of that personality. Instead I come off as stand-offish, distant, cold, irresponsible and clingy. And yeah… probably crazy.

So, much to my chagrin and after years of resisting the advice of friends and family I am going to reluctantly reach out and ask for the help that I know that I have needed and somehow managed to dodge. I’m doing the right thing despite every bone in my body resisting the change that I know will come. I loathe change. And what I hate even more than change is some stranger pretending that they know and/or care about me. But, I will do it. I’ll suck up my pride and take my first foray into becoming the person that everyone used to know and love. That charming dumbass who was always good for a laugh.

Break-ups are hard on everyone. Everybody suffers the fate of a broken heart at some point in their life. Mind just happened to be delayed until I was twenty-three. I have, of course, experienced many ups and downs as is the way when coasting through the ebbs and flows of life. But, this was different. I avoided relationships for years because I dreaded this inevitable day. My rationale prevents me from believing in true love. I adore and admire those who blindly stumble through life whole-heartedly buying into that whole archaic concept. But, I, the hard-nosed realist, feels that it is just a fairy tale. So, yes, I go into a relationship fearing the end…already anticipating the end before it truly begins. How is that for fucked up? I have the tendency to give everything my all. I don’t half ass things. If I’m into someone I tend to go at it one-hundred percent. I feel that I am a romantic girl and I love to go above and beyond what is expected of me. But, the downside of this is that when I allow my typical inhibitions to be lowered…when my security fence has been deactivated…when I give my beating heart to someone else to hold… I know that I am risking potential destruction when it all crashes down. It’s a risk that I am apparently willing to take, because while I understand that all good things must come to an end, I also know that there are so many good things and lessons to be learned from being in an intimate relationship with another person. You just learn so much about yourself, about people and about the world through that type of symbiotic relationship. And who am I to deny that to myself and my potential partner?

It’s just that now that my first and most significant relationship is over, I’m dealing with the aftereffects. This gigantic hole has taken up residence in my heart and just when I was beginning to get over many of my greatest obstacles… I appear to have taken three steps backwards in my progression to who I am going to become as a person. I’ve had extreme trust issues for going on six years now. My ability to wholeheartedly give myself to someone else has dissipated. My eyebrows are constantly raised in suspicion. And now… I’m back into the world, alone…trying desperately to grab onto whatever I can for support. With a single gust of wind I will once again be blown into a place where I have no one to ask for help…a sea of strangers. And while a part of me loves the anonymity, the chance to reestablish myself as someone who has no background, no past scars, no sadness behind these blue eyes… an even larger part knows that despite my aversion to seeking help, I NEED a shoulder to cry on.

To summarize: I am a hot mess. Physically, emotionally, internally, psychologically, etc.

And I think I’m just at that point where I have no idea what to do next. I can only assume my immediate future will be consumed by recklessness, emotional turmoil, and a couple more notches on my belt (take that as you will). But, in the end I know that I will reemerge as the phoenix tends to do. Rise from the ashes and reclaim myself as the endless amount of potential I realize that I have.

And…scene.

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About littlelostsunny

Lost inside her mind. Inspired to blog because if not the thoughts start to control my life. I needed an outlet.

Posted on August 24, 2009, in Long and Twisty Diary Entries and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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