I saw a shooting star last night. My wish did not come true. Fucking stars.- 08/05/09

The smell of bitter salt and iron lay heavy in the air around me–a stale mixture of perspiration, blood and tears. Desperation and regret staple my atrophied body to the floorboards below. The emotional whirlwind of the past twenty-four hours has left me in a virtual state of shock. There are no fancy words, no allegorical allusions, no references to a Dostoevsky novel that I can turn to, there is nothing I can do to change what I’ve done or how I handled certain situations. I had nothing but clarity in an isolated and ephemeral moment. Despite my mind being clouded by visions of utopia, I was able to open my eyes a little wider and extricated myself from the grips of Stockholm Syndrome. Sympathetic to something that goes against that which I truly believe. I drank the koolaid. I fell head over heels with an idea which one can not fully understand until having experienced it. Experience is everything to me. In so many ways I know myself like the back of my hand–every scar, every bump, every vein, every irregularity. However, there are things that we can believe to know and truly internalize, but in reality we have no idea of who the fuck we are and what we truly are capable of until we are pushed into a corner. Our instincts begin to kick in and you learn the most about yourself in these adrenaline filled moments.

A situation where I found myself sitting in a darkened room, the porch light casting a haunting ethereal glow directly upon the devastation occurring in front of me– No one else hears the gun go off but me, but that’s because they aren’t listening for it. They aren’t expecting it. In the back of my mind I was anticipating the exact second where everything shattered, but no one else suspects a thing. However, the hole in the bottom of my heart is evidence that no one can ignore. My face pales as the chambers fill up with blood, the doors to the watertight compartments quickly flood, marking my destiny, the inevitable sinking and submersion coming at me with more force than anticipated. I stagger and stumble to the door, desperately craving the stillness of the night, the muting of the world around me. Nature heals wounds that no pills, no intimate discussions, no time can assuage. It offers clarity when nothing but confusion exists. And I drank in the quiet starless evening until I could stomach no more. Lying there, back against the warm pavement, I was provided me with an opportune moment to sort through what I had witnessed and decide how I could effectively deal with it. I paused time if only for a second.

Emotions that had long lay dormant begin to rise to the surface. Feelings I didn’t even realize I had begin to ooze out of every pore. A sense of loss and longing lie heavily within the walls of my stomach, leaving me at once feeling ill and incapacitated. I couldn’t of moved if I tried. I was stapled to that spot, my body curled into a twisted avant garde position, finding images of faces and organs in the gnarled branches of the trees above. No one would notice my absence that night. I had trapped myself in a situation where I needed others more than they needed me. It’s a risky proposition to know that you love more than you are loved. It’s a selfless act and I try desperately to handle it with the utmost sense of poise and compassion. But, unrequited love can only be tolerated in small doses. When face to face with betrayal and with visions of others receiving the touch that you crave burned into your brain, crumbling into a pile of shattered hopes and dreams seems sensible. I am, after all, only human. I have real feelings, sincerity and genuineness emanating from my every movement and decision, thinking of others always before myself. I feel more than most. I feel more love, I feel more pain, I feel things that others don’t. Behind the shining blue-gray eyes is a lot of heartfelt devotion, tenderness, weakness, docility, and complexities that most could never even begin to wrap their head around. I possess an almost child-like innocence and my reactions and responses to things are based completely on my ignorant eagerness to please others.

I am easy to take for granted. I am easy to ignore. I am easy to not really see. I am easy to take advantage of. I go to lengths to make every day a little brighter for those I love. And all I expect in turn for this is kindness and appreciation. I notice every gesture of unselfishness and magnanimity. I put each of them away in my pocket, filed away for the isolated instances where others disappoint me. I remember why I am the way I am and why I continue to put myself in relationships where I am destined to be destroyed. Sometimes I can see the end at the beginning–and despite being entirely confident of my impending doom–duck my head and persevere through the elements, enjoying the good but always acknowledging the fact that the end will come and it will hit me hard. I find that I rarely have air in my lungs. I’m in an eternal state of limbo, holding my breath, tip-toeing through the infested and infected path I continue to tread.

Despite all of these acknowledgments of the realities that I face daily, I still found myself blindsided. And it hurts. I have to say that I have never felt the degree and depths of despondency and despair as I have today. People think they know what it feels like to grieve and experience trauma and torment, but few have reached the lows that I did.

It’s even shocking to me that the experience shook me the way it did, that I allowed this entire debacle to entrench itself so deeply within my veins. This was a full down breakdown. There is no ignoring the obvious. I had lost all ability to control myself. I fell hard for someone I knew I couldn’t have. But, I continued to hold out some semblance of hope that for once another person would recognize the merits that I know I have. I’m not a catch, but I am someone who completely devotes myself to those who capture my heart. I am a good person to have in your corner. I have little to offer. I’m never going to be beautiful. I’m never going to be that smart or interesting. I come loaded with insecurities and instability. I am never going to have the impressive resume of others. I just am who I am. And I had hoped I had found someone to accept that and cherish it.

But my naive myopia prevented me from seeing the truth. I can now truly appreciate all that happened and I feel as though I’ve played the most dangerous game. I feel as though I’ve been foolish and childish and abandoned all of my sense and my intelligence to chase after my own tail. To continue a cycle of repetition–rinse & repeat. Constantly spinning and disoriented. I am destined to keep putting myself in this position.

But, after today I believe it to be imperative to do something new and different. I’m exhausted and too battered to continue to fight this losing battle. I need to move on. I need to find where I can belong and be myself–albeit hiding my heart away from those around me. I’m going back to keeping people at a distance. I don’t want to. I love the person I have become, but will once again transform myself in the chameleonic way I always do to protect myself from more devastation. A person can only take so many experiences of defeat.

There was a moment this morning where I was saying a permanent goodbye to my best friend. Six in the morning, the sun beginning to open up its sleepy eyes, my face red and swollen from the hours of crying. I stood there quivering, desperately clutching the back of her shirt, feeling my body tremble and shake with each strained sob, trying so hard to hold myself together for just a moment- to forget the current situation and give the proper goodbye that she deserved. I’ve never known a friend as amazing as this. I’ve never known someone who genuinely cared so much about me and my well being– who would have my back in any situation and who almost needed me as much as I did her. It was near impossible to let her go. It is a moment I will never forget. It’s a five minute period I will both cherish and regret for the entirety of my life. Any onlooker would have been incapable of escaping this situation with a dry eye. And if they knew me, if they knew how much I treasured those close to me, if they understood how intimately involved I am with those I love and cherish–then they would have an eternal lump in their throat and sadness in their every move for eternity.

This is something that I will never recover from. And it’s as simple and clear cut as that. I had to lose several amazing and incredibly special people from my life. I had to cut myself out of their picture, of their Eloi, utopian-esque life because of what will turn out to have been a simple crush on a beautiful and interesting girl. Something so trivial turned out to be such a transformative and pivotal moment for me. Weird how that works.

Experience is our most important tool in carving out our life. It’s all trying and failing, learning and succeeding, changing and growing. It’s a process that can hurt like a bitch, but in the end we figure out who we are and isn’t that we are all searching for?

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About littlelostsunny

Lost inside her mind. Inspired to blog because if not the thoughts start to control my life. I needed an outlet.

Posted on August 24, 2009, in Long and Twisty Diary Entries. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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