I haven’t bathed in a couple of days. I haven’t wanted to wash away any of the scents and smells reminding me of the wide array of events from the last couple of days. I want it to last and linger, to soak into the clothing that I wear, to remain forever entrenched in my brain. My hair starts looking awesome around this time and, yeah, kind of grungy–but did I mention awesome? I typically have such fine, precious, soft and delicate hair–not ideal for the spikey faux-hawky look that I know I rock quite well. Objectively speaking, damnit. But, it’s now at the three day mark where it just starts having a mind of its own and apparently my follicles are actually quite brilliant. No amount of time with a flat iron, wax, hairspray and fogged up bathroom mirrors could concoct such a look. It just comes when you least expect and/or least desire it.
Because who am I trying to impress right now? The Food Network channel? My beer can? My parents? The 85 percent completed, coffee stained crossword puzzle haphazardly strewn across the table? No. None of the above. And yet here I am looking casually and naturally badass–T-shirt, board shorts, dirty well-worn checkered Vans, the smell of wet dog on me from bathing my puppers, a black eye masked by the smallest traces of foundation. And yet I received a shit-ton of compliments about “my look” today. Huh?
Good things happen when you least expect them. You can try as hard as you can to control a situation–and the harder you try the further away the goal line becomes. And then the moment when you stop caring, when you stop attempting to impress others and accomplish extraordinary things– at that precise instant life throws you a curve ball and change happens.
This is, at the very least, my experience with the world. I have tried for years to achieve some semblance of normalcy and contentment. I have fought many battles within myself about how I can wake up in the morning without the weight of worry restraining me. To be free of anxiety, to know what it feels like to just walk around with your head held high without any reservations or uncertainties. Just one day.
But, after wishing for this for twenty years, I naturally began to ponder what my options might be if karma truly was a bitch and just ignored my punched out time cards. I put my blood, sweat and tears into what had become a full time job of whoring my emotions out to the world. I could feel myself becoming jaded. I stopped giving two shits if I was uncaring. I stopped seeing the point in giving so much and receiving so little in return. I had a lot of love to share and yet no one saw me standing there heart in hand. I was offering myself to anyone willing to take notice. I put out a wanted ad every day to those around me. But, that ad eventually shifted to a cry for help. I just gave up.
The anorexia, the cutting, the binging, the excessive exercising, the tortured poetry, the self-imposed isolation, the internalization of all of my troubles, fears, and doubts, the dropping out of school, the rotating door of friends stemming from the hot and cold attitude I approached them with– all of it was both a coping mechanism and a very loud warning signal to everyone that I was reaching a point of desperation. I was trying to fill my life with constant distraction. I couldn’t figure out what the fuck else to do, so I tried every possible way to achieve fulfillment.
I understand, now, that I was going about it the wrong way.
And I’ve been nothing but unhappy underneath it all for years.
I never expected anything to good to come of this life. And I was prepared to accept that fate. Forever.
And then good things started to happen.
Really good things.
I stumbled upon an artist that I really admired and who opened up my closed lips and poured music down into my gullet. I could slowly feel the trickle of passion fill my soul up with meaning. And through this musician I discovered an entire new community of like minded individuals, who played a huge role in my figuring out who I was and how to deal with those discoveries. Buried deep within this group was one person in particular whom I fell hard for. Those moments, those emotions, those memories of experiencing your first love are ones that can never be replicated but can always be treasured. I would not trade a single one for anything because it was these moments that finally allowed me to feel alive. I had been closed off for so long that I had forgotten what it was like to have these attachments and these sensations of vitality.
I’ve been saved by fate more than once. When the railroad tracks come to a sudden halt and all that remain on the other side are the depths of the unknown, I have been pulled back over the threshold by certain people who have no idea of their impact on my life.
This girl, this wonderful and beautiful woman grabbed the scruff of my neck and yanked me back towards the light. She gave me a reason to live. She made each day worth getting up for. If I couldn’t find the strength to go on for myself, I could for her. Each hour existed for the sole purpose of getting to experience the joys of this relationship. It meant everything to me.
That year was the best and most pivotal of my life. Everything changed for me after that. I discovered that people did care about me. That I could be needed and desired. So many important things, monumental landmarks, and pivotal moments…
But, when one partner shifts, transforms and grows the other might not follow suit–and with that came the dissolution of something truly special and wonderful. As I began to pick my head up and readjusted my eyes to focus on the world I had taken precautions to ignore previously– I noticed so much more about what I could be and became focused on how to fill the shoes I clumsily adorned. And she failed to change with me. And then one became two once again.
Call me selfish. Many do. But, I have never have had the chance to live before. The opportunities were presented to me, but I lacked the physical, mental and emotional ability to grab hold of them. My grip slipped every time. They viewed me as weak, but I knew they were wrong. I just figure shit out on my own without guidance. People will never “get” me. And that’s ok. But, I will continue to whittle my life story out on the slates, hoping someone will be open minded before branding me with a label.
Few ever understand my perspective on things. In fact, as I sit here right now, retracing my steps and reliving the snapshots of each friend I’ve had, I fear that none of them truly could relate to me on an intimate and personal level. We always had fun, we shared deep thoughts and beliefs, but there was always an element missing. I never knew it before this year.
In January of 2009 I unsuspectingly met someone who would fulfill me in ways I could of never anticipated. As soon as I thought I had started to figure my shit out, I was knocked flat against my back with confusion and bewilderment. I was back to square one. Everything I thought I knew about myself was thrown out the window. I had no clue.
This person would change my life. And continues to do so, despite me trying to ruin it every day, she somehow remains by my side through it all. She doesn’t hear the words I say and instead reads me from the inside out. My eyes can avoid hers completely, my smile disguising my discontent, my laughter echoing throughout the four walls around us–and she is able to pull out the truth through a sheer innate understanding of who I truly am. And how often do we find someone like that? Most of us probably won’t.
But, I have. And I thank whatever mystical and mysterious being may or may not hang above our heads for allowing our words to collide. It’s nothing short of a miracle. Because not only does she provide me with the most steadfast stoicism and composure even under the most frenzied of situations– not only is she able to provide me with another soul to relate to. But, I get her too. I see her and I can see deep within her shell. We make each other better and more complete with just a look or exchange of pleasantries.
I become alive when I’m with her.
I feel unworthy all of the time. I feel entirely undeserving of someone like her. But, she’s there. And through her I have truly made great discoveries. I have started to develop into a whole person. The shy, try-hard, under-achieving nobody has morphed into who I was always supposed to be. I’m becoming more comfortable, more confident, more cognizant of the talents and abilities that I embody. And that is absolutely priceless. I have met friends through her that I consider to be indispensable. I can sense that these relationships will provide me with experiences, spurts of realizations and self-discoveries, and exposure to ideas, theories and concepts that would have evaded my consciousness eternally had I not fallen into their lives.
In other words this is a pretty big fucking deal and I’m happy. I would typically say that I am cautiously optimistic about this good fortune, but I feel as though I don’t need positivity or luck this time. I know that this is the real thing. This is a friendship that will never die, never extinguish, never disappear. These are people who will always be in my life and will always be there when I take steps away from my ultimate destiny. And when this happens they will pry the knives from my hand replacing these weapons with their own guiding appendages and lead me back onto the path that we will carve out together. In unison.
And yes, this is as happy as I could get. With one tragedy, one disappointment, one failure at achieving eternal love… births another opportunity of bonds which will never be broken.
You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.” But, then I met someone amazing by accident, and I knew she was one of my own. And my wolf pack… it grew by one. So there… there were two of us in the wolf pack… I was alone first in the pack, and then Whitney joined in later. And then, when she introduced me to several new amazing people, I thought, “Wait a second, could it be?” And now I know for sure, I just added a couple more to my wolf pack. A pack of us wolves, running around the desert together.”