As the World Spins Madly On
I spend a lot of time in bed these days–and unfortunately for me that’s less sexy than sad. As much as I would like to communicate how my charming womanizing ways led to a number of fun-fulfilled romps on top of my goose down comforter–it’s more meant to convey my inability to crawl from beneath my safe haven of warmth and security and out into the harsh scary realities of the world. It’s my unwillingness to turn a blind eye to the manipulations and rejections of my surroundings and focus on the good. Because right now I feel or see so little positive in anything around me. I have my health. I have my dogs. I have my family. I have a roof over my head and food in my belly. But, other than that, any perceptions of optimism are merely transitory and ephemeral–meaning they won’t be around for long. I am sane enough to see that.
I buy into the pursuit of happiness time and time again–thinking I found something special and lasting. Thinking that I finally stumbled upon a piece of what everyone around seems to own and embody. Thinking that I finally found someone real to hold onto when it all gets too much to bear. Thinking that when life gets rough and knocks me over that this person won’t run away and get scared. Thinking that I have finally been saved from myself–pulled from the wreckage of my past mistakes.
I, more than anyone, know that dealing with me is difficult. I’m not an easy friend to have around. I’m a challenge, every. single. fucking. day. So, when people around me pack up their suitcases and hightail it out of my life, I don’t fault them. I fault myself for being stupid enough to trust them. For someone so smart, I can be a real dumbass when it comes to instilling trust in others. I put my faith in the first flashy thing with promises a plenty– that comes into the room these days. It’s becoming a desperate and pathetic attempt to connect to another entity. I crave that connection like a vampire craves blood. We are similar in that way… our selfish natures…make us crave and desire that which we cannot have without killing those we love. We suck those around us dry, metaphorically and literally.
And for that I apologize. I’m truly working on this. For as deeply as I understand myself, I seem to be entirely incapable of correcting my faults. Exercises in rationality are apparently fruitless as I continue to make the same mistakes day in and day out. My selfish nature leading me to want everything and then when I leave with nothing, I am confused and empty and sincerely downtrodden at my misfortune. I wake up one morning with the whole world in front of me lending me its hand and pass out in the evening with everyone turning their back on me when I need them most.
It’s a cyclical process of love and loss–of both heartfelt passion and heartbroken melancholy. But, how does one go about ending this cycle of destruction? I certainly know that these repetitions of hope and downfall are not special to me–I could segue into an unwarranted harangue on racism and such and how cyclical THAT is. But, I won’t. I want to talk about me. me. me. (see the selfishness?)
I’m not sure if it’s actually egoism/narcissism that leads me to be so self-centric. I think I am just so entirely focused on cracking the cataclysmic chain of events that leads me to this pit of despair so frequently in recent months–that every brain cell I have is devoted to that area right now. So, as soon as I figure myself out, I like to think that I can start noticing the billions of other people and their problems in this world. But, for now my life is limited to paying attention to me, and perhaps three other people at any given moment.
I have a lot to give to others. My main goal in life, honestly, is to make my true friend’s days go a little smoother than they would have without me. I NEED to be wanted, looked to in times of duress or ecstasy, and I NEED to be appreciated. More selfishness? Perhaps. But, it comes from a good place. I’ve never once been needed by anyone. I have felt that throughout my entire life I’ve given so much and received so little in return (except from my parents) that eventually I inched my way into the middle of my room, curled up into a ball on the floor, and blindfolded myself in a vain attempt to avoid seeing or dealing with anyone. I shut them all out of my life. I made sure that no one was allowed in and that I would cease to give anymore to those who so often took me for granted. And it worked. I lost everyone.
And then I met someone who made me want to give again. Just like that a light switched in me and I was no longer cold, no longer distant, and no longer off limits. I was able to live again. It was a change that was so drastic and yet seemed so subtle. I didn’t even realize it. It was a shift that went unnoticed to many, but affected those who I directed it towards. I loved giving. But, the thing is–as loving as I can be–it is give and take with me. I can’t give forever without a “thank you” in return–or some sort of acknowledgment of my actions as being appreciated by those I devote myself to. I know, it’s a little twisted–but the truth is the truth. I am nothing if not honest. And I eventually realized that I was no longer needed there, and I moved on. She did not need me and I felt that I no longer needed her. I was on my own again.
And almost immediately following this foray into the world alone…. I stumbled quite literally over another crop of people who brought instant joy and vivacity to my life. But, as soon as I finally find those who were able to recognize incontrovertible kindness and generosity– I find a way to fuck it up–like clockwork, baby! I set myself up for failure. Honestly, I never stood a chance. I don’t know why I do this. Do I believe that I do not deserve happiness? Do I feel as though I am only destined to thrive and survive in desolation and despair? What are my motives behind these actions? I understand that one cannot help who they FALL for. But, I should be able to control how I deal with a certain situation. My evolved sense of self-control should kick in–but fails every time as my instinctual desire to obtain that which I want at any cost begins to rear its ugly head. It’s not that I believe that I am entitled to things. In fact, I fear I believe that the opposite is true. I am able to recognize that those who DO win out against me are far more worthy and deserving of whatever it is that they obtain control of. I do know, however, that I have so much to give someone else. I’d make a great girlfriend. I’d make a great friend. I’d make a great person for someone else. I have begun to discover that I’m a very complex, interesting, and somewhat of a rare find as a person– I believe there is rarely a dull moment with me. Which is partially due to my inability to censor myself–I am always honest–to a fault. So, I will say things without thinking and oftentimes those things are great discussion starters.
But, I’m also fairly introspective, self-deprecating, sardonic, and oftentimes downright clever… and I do admit that I have a good amount of artistic talent–if you are into the wrist-slitting, sensitive poet type. Without adding fuel to the ever flaming (in more ways than one) stockpile of hurt, longing and heartache– then what would I have to write or bitch about? In poetic ways, of course.
That, coupled with my unbridled enthusiasm for seeing those that I love and adore happy and content, are the only reasons I can imagine someone wanting to ever lay beside me each and every night. The physical attraction will fade once they begin to view the smile lines as physical manifestations of the grief that flows down the cracks in my face so frequently. The emotional attraction will dissipate into nothingness as they discover that the darkly romantic charm is forever etched upon my heart–never to allow anyone further than the gates outside. I’ve developed an impenetrable defense mechanism preventing almost everyone from seeing any deeper than the organ’s facade. I’ve let a select few in recently… thinking that I’d be safe from destruction with these particular cases. But, even then I was left more ravaged and destroyed than I was before.
Pain that won’t go away, but will make me smarter, stronger and more resilient to the effects of this twisted earth. I’ve actually stopped flinching when objects fly my way. I anticipate them. I’ve learned from this shit, believe it or not. I mark each crushing disaster as a learning period. Of course, this last time was different. I asked for this. I knowingly walked with my head held high into a situation that I KNEW WOULD DEVASTATE ME. I knew it. But, the good outweighed the bad. The annihilation of my trust and sense of self would be worth the moments of sheer breathtaking happiness. And there were those fleeting seconds. Periods of time where my heart could fly no higher, where my smile could grow no wider, where there would be no way to craft a moment in time that could out-awesome the one I was experiencing. And for those instants… I was able to push away the darkness and see light through the clouds above. It was a glimpse into the life I could have if things were to ever work out in my favor.
I knew they wouldn’t. I’m like Jack Dawson in “Titanic.” “I’m not an idiot. I know how the world works. I’ve got ten bucks in my pocket and I’ve nothing to offer you and I know that. But I’m too involved now…You jump, I jump remember? I can’t turn away without knowing you’ll be alright.” Cheesy as you may feel that line is, it cuts deep… I feel it burning in my veins as I read it now. I have so little to offer in terms of material possessions or security for the future, but what I can offer in the now is that of infinite love and devotion. When I care, I care more than most will ever know or experience in their lives. I know what love means. I didn’t for years. But, I do now. I’ve felt it. And I know what unrequited love feels like, and am still left relatively unjaded. I don’t know who to thank for that. But, it’s something that few possess or know how to handle. I have to keep putting myself out there, keep offering my still-beating heart to those willing to accept it… knowing that with a single slip up, mistake, or capricious alteration in feelings or emotions that it will be dropped to the ground in a bloody hypnotic pool of suffering and sorrow. But, I do it because I KNOW that someone out there will stoically and steadfastly lock my gaze with theirs and stand there holding that power of promise in their open hands… and will thank me for the opportunity. I believe that. My days of believing in soul mates is over. But, I think there are those out there made for me at any given period of time. It just takes awhile to find them. Or for them to find me?
I’ve even grown tired of my own self-pity and loathing in the past couple of days. I am typically so quick to bounce back from situations that leave me broken and hurt. I’m the one who can avoid real-life while I quietly heal within. But, this time was different and I knew it. I had never felt this way before–about a friend or the object of my affection. All of it was more intense than is typical with me. And I had to make choices, decisions that would destroy what I had that was so great. But, it’s over now. And I’m regretfully accepting that with a lump in my throat and weight upon my chest.
And so today is the last day I’m allowing myself to mope about in my rancid puddle of dejection, rejection, heartache and morbidity. Tomorrow will be a new day. I will look towards the future and away from the past. But, make no mistake… I will fall into the same trap again. It takes little to pull me back into the quicksand I so frequently find myself wallowing in. A sweet word, a gentle caress, a simple text message– anything will fill my heart with hope only to be stunned and surprised when I run full speed into the brick wall ahead.
It’s a process… one of repetition which I will eventually escape from. But, until then…use me for my naivety and desire to please.
This blog brought to you by:
Greg Laswell- Comes and Goes
Greg Laswell- Off I Go
Jim Ward- Broken Songs
MIA- Paper Planes
Instrumental version of 21 Guns by Green Day
Metric- Help I’m Alive
Brandi Carlile- Tragedy
Ingrid Michaelson- Be OK
Bruce Springsteen- Streets of Philadelphia
The Weepies- The World Spins Madly On
Kaki King- Pull me Out Alive
and people who know who they are.