It is amazing how a single line can conclude or allude to a bigger project or projection. It can be curt or it can sit there and settle on your cold shoulder. That’s the beauty and detriment of words…. they can save you, but are capable of hurling you into an abyss that you cannot escape from. Reference that nerds me out? Sarlacc I am in a sarlacc pit. I can’t win.
Salt on a wound. So ironic when you have so many on your side trying to help. It just takes a moment…. a single instance… to realize what you’ve lost. I can appear desperate to many or any who want to see me fall down. If that’s what you want to see… dig me up from beneath the gravel and pull me up because I’m way ahead (literally) of you. I hold my little magic mirror every night and the only face staring back at me is one that disgusts and repulses me. So much reprehension and misguided cues from myself led me to this mess. I should be nothing to everyone. But, that is not the case… I mean a lot to a few people that are more important than myself.
I suffer through every second for these individuals because if this is what they want– I can give them this. I am paralyzed, in more ways than, a left-handed pinky and my wedding band finger…hurt, anxious, scarred, scared, vision-impaired kid, who wants nothing more than to rain support and love on those she loves and those she doesn’t know.
I finally cried when my mother said that I had another test lined up for me. It was yesterday. Simple and non-invasive…. I passed. I can see checkerboards. I was elated. I’m not blind. But, you know what? I wish I could fucking read words or signs again. I don’t care about the money I could get from disability. I want to be able to read a newspaper, a book, or the computer without my nose touching the screen. That’s’ what I want to know more than anything. But, essentially I learned that this was my vision for life. You think that doesn’t weigh heavy on a 28 year old…. knowing you can’t only not see, but can’t drive again? It weighs heavily. I try and address everything with levity because without humor what do you have? Nothing, but sadness and despair. I am not at that pint.
Let me have the ability to amend that if a brain scan comes to fruition. LOL minus the lol.
My name is Sunny Day…
who am I to keep a depressed view of life when I have the BEST family in the world and a fiance who would do anything for this broken girl. :) I have no shame in typing this…. I do need help. I need help just moving my left hand. I have trouble remembering who I am in the sense that– I have no idea why people think I am intelligent or worthy of affection or interest. I have no memory loss. But, I made no impact on anyone. That, I know. And it is my fault– because I could of done a lot for people. I am a great girl. I’m just very shy and I did not graduate from college. 3 semesters shy. I have real life experience. Means nothing. I get it.
But, regardless of that…. I see the sunrise everyday and the sunset fall against the beautifully groomed horizon thanks to someone. I’m not the best, but, I am not the worst. I can guarantee that I care more than anyone else about anything I am associated with. In that field…. I win.