Author Archives: littlelostsunny

I went into a period of cessation from documenting my life for multiple reasons. One main purpose was to stop feeling as though I was complaining too much. I never sought out that type of confessional . I always wanted this to be a diary of thoughts and realizations that I encountered each day. The reason it became so intense was because I entered a realm of disorder that needed to be attended to in a professional manner.

I have no shame in that. Yes, I have sliced my skin to shreds, I have wounds that will never heal, I have hurt everyone around me, I wanted to die, I went to a psychiatric ward, and I am still a pawn in the ultimate chess game of life and loss.

There is a silver lining here. I am twenty-eight and am now finding happiness in my day to day existence. It took about as long as I would of anticipated. I did not start my period until sixteen and did not lose my virginity until twenty-two. I’m just always going to be late to the party. I’m ok with that. I’m very logical, level-headed, and literal. I will never alter the way I view the outside world. I have no inkling nor any innate desire to do so. Practicality courses through my veins.

All I concentrate on at this juncture in my life is making everyone around me’s life easier. This is what I know I can do without any extra effort. I am a generally nice person. I will always be as kind as I can when granted the opportunity.

Each day is another chance to prove that there are great people in this world. And I hope to make someone smile and feel a little happier every morning! I may not be religious, but I am always hoping to be a saving grace.

PostScript.

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Reflections are an interesting fear to tackle. There are two main fears that are associated with what a mirror will provide you with instantly: a look at yourself in the present and/or send you spiraling to a  situation that you may have experienced in the past. I somehow managed to gaze both directly into these perpetually confounding eyes, always aglow with the prospect of gaining knowledge and understanding…. (but, still not sure if they are blue, green, or a new crayon color) on a daily basis without even coming into contact with reflective glass.

I’ve avoided mirrors for years and years. Much the same way that I have also evaded the dictatorship that a traditional scale will provide me with. I don’t need to know how much I weigh and I am perpetually aghast by the pallor, the pimples, and petrified wood effect that my skin has been forced to endure over the years. Government, fix that! I don’t need to be reminded of the ghastly visage and general mien that I possess.

There have been zero days where I found myself attractive, but I have sort of learned a valuable lesson during the epoch of anorexia that provided an unwelcome shady umbrella that literally fell upon my life– and that was to never look at myself in the mirror or to calculate my pounds on a scale. Ever.

I’ve held true to those sentiments as outlandish as they are. I’m happier that way. (Yes, I have to inform nurses at the doctor’s offices.  However, if you must know… I am 5’5″ and weigh 120)  Thanks useless people at doctors’ offices.

Eating disorders are not things you just wake up and cure yourself of. They stick with you forever. They can and often times do consume you- literally. At this point…. I have given up on the idea that I will ever be “pretty.” I am not going to be THAT person. And this is a big step for me in the sense that I can let go a little on the attempts to achieve perfectionism. It would of been a goal that left me reaching and reaching and reaching further for a finish line that never truly existed. It became time to accept the wonderful blessings that I was bestowed in lieu of a waist-size that is unachievable Make the best of what you were granted, because honestly you are beautiful, gorgeous and special no matter what you believe yourself to be :)

I’m going to also add this little tiny bit of knowledge and realization that has provided me with confidence that I never knew that I had. I have learned to stand up straight and hold the door open for others– while asking them how their day was or stating that I hope they have a wonderful evening. I am so shy that none of this comes naturally. However, I have determined, just utilizing a simple five day venture into the Nation’s Capital, that a simple phrase or praise can turn someone’s life around. It can change a Monday into a Funday. Why not try to help someone…. if you are granted the opportunity? A smile and a familial exchange can go a long way!
No one wants or deserves to live inside of a calorie calculator.

https://twitter.com/sunbearsmith

I may be the opposite of what my parents wished for their second child, but when you combine the powers of my amazing sister and myself– we are unstoppable!  Caitlin can be added into this triforce.   And yes… that is a Zelda reference.

Longer than expected (that’s what she said)

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What an unusual life that I lead and live. When I was in the midst of my adolescence… not once did I foresee my future playing out the way it has. In most people’s eyes– I am the text book definition of a failed prospect. I had the pedigree worthy of an epic success story in the making. However, my life took a severe 180 degree turn while in my early and mid-twenties. Decisions and repercussions that I am facing head-on now at twenty-eight.

I’ve noticed that the way I view the world and other people in general, has instigated a significant shift in the past year. I have always been a late bloomer in every avenue imaginable. And my appreciation and acknowledgment of the weight of responsibility placed upon mature adults is no different. I’m just now learning to figure out aspects of survival in a democratic, corporate, financially based world. I’ve had the amazing benefit of having both of my parents live near me, help me, aid me, and treat me the way a daughter (or son, if that is the case) should be treated. I am blessed. And I’m non-religious–so, I use that term quite infrequently.

However, at this ripe old-age…. my cavernous (often times carnivorous) brain has become the dictator in the otherwise symbiotic relationship between sense of self/emotion and logic and reasoning. The Civil War ended 149 years ago, but it still runs rampant in another form or facet within the confines of my head.

And this is not an expression of admittance to suffering from multiple personality disorders. Quite the contrary, in fact. I am actually in the process of finally getting a grasp of who I am and what I have to offer to the world. As is the case with many people– I hit rock bottom before I regained the drive and energy to climb to the top. The enigmatic quality of my persona is part of the charm, yeah?

I will not deny that the past ten years of my life have been a free-fall into the lowest depths a singular human being can endure without lasting repercussions. I’ve scraped the bottom of the barrel figuratively and literally. I have, at points during the height (and yet, literal lows) of depression pondered if I were even worth the air space it took to fill my lungs with oxygen and subsequent life. Of course I have been able to accomplish that. But, my reflection in the mirror breeds insecurity and self-loathing. I am learning to curb that innate hatred. I have adapted and adopted a new way of viewing myself. Gone are the days of focusing on failure–whether it be a pimple or anxiety or the ultimate soul-crusher of not graduating from college…. and in comes the faux positive. It’s become clear me grasping desperately onto the elements of life that prove to be somewhat optimistic are key to eliciting a smile from my dimpled face…. and inevitably lead to the stimulation of euphoria in my little head and heart. I can convince myself that everything is great. As Tegan and Sara say in “The Lego Movie” EVERYTHING IS AWESOME. Even when it is not to the outsider looking in.

I’ve been with Meg for four years and five months. She is the centrifugal force in my seemingly useless world. I love her more than I am capable of expressing in words, because as of now– there are no words to describe her or our weird connection to one another. It works. Even when it doesn’t…. we have never slept apart from one another. We are otters…. we hold hands when we fall asleep to prevent drifting apart. Cheesy? Yes. But, does it work for us? Also yes.

I recently had the opportunity to visit Washington DC with my parents, sister and 4.5 year old niece. My sister is a travel blogger. She has proven to be quite successful in that field (mommypoints.com). I adore my sister and she is the epitome of a woman that anyone should look up to. She has drive, she has ambition, she has charm, she has humor, she has knowledge and she is….on top of all of that…. a fantastic mother to my niece and a wife to my brother-in-law. She, on the surface, is always calm and collected– a true testament to the American Dream. She had a vision, she worked hard, and eventually conquered.

I admit that I am sometimes envious of her success. I grew up fearing her. I was a pawn to the Queen and ended up enduring what any sibling five years younger would be faced or forced with. She was the center of attention until I was born– and she did not like the spotlight being shared. She ingeniously concocted many ways to eliminate the sunshine from my innate persona. However, years later she has become a more intrinsic part of my life. She is an inspiration. She is who I wish that I could become. And though I know that that is not only improbable, but borderline IMPOSSIBLE– I do hope that some of her ability to succeed and excel rubs off on me. Yes, she makes a lot of money, but she uses it to help and benefit others. She’s a hero in my book. And will forever be the best sister in the world–even when I ask too many questions :)

I have faced a lot of obstacles this year–last July (a little later in the month) I was officially informed of the irreversible eye condition that has stripped away over 50 percent of my vision in both ojos azules. Yes, I’ve had an entire 365 days to become accustomed to it, but it never felt so real and devastating as it did on this recent Washington DC trip. Fighting back tears is something that I am more than accustomed to…. I am a sensitive person. But, being unable to read all of the information presented on the tags and labels in front of the memorabilia and historical artifacts on display in the Smithsonian Museums’ that we visited (most of them) was a hard pill to swallow (apologize in advance for colloquiums.} It became even more evident while sitting on the Nation’s Capital staircase and not being able to differentiate between red and white fireworks or being able to understand why the crowd was cheering (it was because of a showcase of white stars inside the fireworks). It wasn’t until then that I realized that I will not be able to drive a vehicle again. I won’t be able to live a normal life as most would define it. I actually need bifocals at the ripe old age of twenty-eight. And even with that– I will never have perfect vision again. However, when and if I get those bifocals… I will spare my poor current glasses the terrible life of being ripped from my face when I look at a book compared to a billboard. Despite all of the physical ailments– including a left arm that has so much nerve damage that I can barely type with it and the lack of clear eyesight (but with bookoos of foresight and/or clairvoyance — she claims to love me. And as of right now, I am inclined to believe her. I truly hope.  Meg is a terrible liar.  And I like to believe I have thrown a lasso on any indiscretion.  I’m also so cute. :P

However, these impediments are not just genetically predisposed to me. I exacerbated the situation by imbibing alcohol to the extreme. I did so to alleviate the symptoms of severe social anxiety, major depressive disorder, borderline personality disorder, etc. I have been diagnosed with every ailment imaginable. Who knows anymore? Unfortunately for me…. compulsive behavior runs in my family. Many times this is an attribute that can aid and boost you into a VIP status (my sister), but it can also smother you and confine you to an endless darkness that will never relent. I fell into the latter trap.

My idiosyncrasies morphed into compulsions that led to my former eating disorder and suicidal thoughts. Remember– I never actively tried to kill myself. I thought about it, but never once attempted it. Be careful what you type in blogs or you could end up in a psych ward like I did.

The bright side of all of the aforementioned sentiments is that at this point in my life I am learning to be happy. I’m learning to find happiness in each day. I wake up early. I take the dog on a walk– 4:30am or 6:00am and I smile. I am happy to be alive. I am happy that I still have a family. I am happy that I can afford food. I am happy that I outgrew my past. I knew I would, but impetuous behavior was a major obstacle. Now, I want and seek to be the conduit for others to find some semblance of normalcy in their life (Note to Meg: “I’ma Warrio! I’ma gonna win!)

As an extremely belated afterthought– I would like to express that on a personal level…. I have nothing against any of my conservative friends. I hope that you all understand the fact that I am, and always will be, leaning towards the liberal side of the spectrum. But, if logic and reasoning is utilized in an argument for your beliefs– I take that in…jest (I kid, I mean ingest) and dissect all of it. I pull apart fact and fiction *and oftimes friction) and will probably comment on it. Politics are important to me. I’m not a liberal, conservative or moderate. I am nothing until I read about ten pieces of confirmed fact before I lean towards an affiliation. Regardless of your personal belief or hatred of your Chief, I always hope that your moral compass directs you in the right way. Spend a weekend with Meg and I and you will see that even us deplorable gays are sometimes a natural coupling and worthy of a marriage license. Even in Tejas.

Her family may not understand or attempt to grasp the constraints that these disabilities impose upon me and my plight for living a quasi-normal life. That’s fine. I know I can’t win their affection. I have tried. Looking up bead/jewelry stores in the area, hiring my mom (no pay, but lots of love granted her way) to help deep clean the apartment before her Mom comes to town and prior to my vacation. I do everything I can to make the transition from a haute coutre boutique to a Hampton Inn (enjoy those clean down comforters).

They will never ever ever accept me as a suitable suitor for their red-haired goddess of a daughter. Understandable. I wouldn’t accept me either. But, it is what it is. I love her. Unconditionally. I have for over four years. I never want to walk away. I just want to step closer. I’m not going to be rich. I am going blind. But, even with those inconvenient issues…. I am certain on my belonging with her. Never even been up for consideration or termination.

As every fairy tale must accept and applause its’ conclusion:  “The End”  And I hope the addendum of
Happily Ever After” prevails!

Life is hard. I have not hid from personal issues. These will be the least forgiving. Perhaps because they have never been overlapping. Anorexia, Myopia, Depression, Anxiety, etc. I say et cetera because I have no clue who I am or what my problems are. If I have one more person tell me I am pretty or I am using my appearance the wrong way then I am pretty much done. I can’t handle social media bullshit. If I have not been able to look into a mirror for 10 years– and have Meg do things like plucking eyebrows…. I certainly don’t want people rating a facebook picture of me. I am so shy. I ran into legit friends in the store and hid the other day. Life is a game of duck and cover for me. I will never feel comfortable. Unfortunately, I am a pale, blue eyed, light brown haired gal…..I get noticed everywhere. Please know….. I am just not cool. You are better avoiding me then engaging a conversation with me. I can’t delve into details, but, don’t try to be involved in my life. I wake up every morning wondering why I survived. I have a fiance I cannot marry. 4.5 years means nothing to the Government. I cannot drive because of my vision. Meg works at a minimum wage job. This is our love. This is our life. It is everything. I have to fight my brain to use my left hand. Worth it. All I wanted to say was that who gives a fuck waht I used to look like? I have never changed sizes– still the same size. But, my girlfriend has changed sizes and hates herself because of it. So, let’s stop applauding us for not gaining weight.

I know my relationship is on the line and I have little time to let her know how much she means to me.  I am here, I can steer, I will be the one in fear– I protect you from all that dare to persevere.  I am all you need, I am your shield when you heed defense, I am yours when you need a strong fence.Life is tough, and ofttimes I am too rough.  But, I am never giving up.  You are going to be mine throughout the course of time.

I’m sorry, but you are stuck with me.  :D

mom

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There is no other way to say,  To close my lips and walk away. I work so hard and leave the scene.  The  drivel can be so mean.  I only want to say words that can just wash and wipe away.  The life I have lived cannot be changed.  The patterns can just be rearranged.  I lied, I stole, I opposed and suppressed  the truths I told,  The stagnation in this situation was you…. my mother.  You remain a formidable suppressor in this screwed up realm.  You are my beacon, my object to cling on. .. every time I’m scratching or crashing  you are who I’m going to latch on to . I fail to show it,  I neglect to prove it.  But, there is no one who can be more important than what you became to me.  I’m hardheaded, I’m hardened, I’m ofttimes downtrodden.  Despite all my failures, you peek through the fissures.  You love even when I never reciprocate.  You’re always there to anticipate all of my stumbles and tumbles– All my ups and downs.  Every step of the way you can upright a frown.  Without you I would have only blank verses, but because you exist my life still traverses…. A simple laugh or a smile, makes each day worth while.  Yet, this one is for you and thanks for all that you do.

nope

Touch can mean so much.  I am one of the few…. where it does more harm than good.  It scares me.  It envelops me in panic.   A blanket of care turns to a blanket of scare.  Nothing can be pinpointed in this issue.   The irony is that I grw out of this into someone so detached and afraid of human contact.  Explain that one.

I had to go to a funeral recently.  I got dressed up in a tie and a blazxer.  But, I sat outside out on the out-skirts.  It was so crowded it didn’t men much.  I felt secure being all demure.  My dad, a best friend, was the solo speaker.

I’m not the one you invite to the plight, when you need someone to make it seem alright.  I am a hermit, don’t you see?  I cannot live up to the fantasy.  of being brave, being calm helping others carry on.  I’m just me.  The last one in your call’s history.

Despite all that…. I am a Democrat. I came and I went.  And I was stagnant as a daughter as a friend.  It’s not the end but a beginning of solidarity.  My thoughts are just swimming with words to say and others to decay, but I am nothing but a kid who still wants their dad’s affection and attention.

Honestly, life is completely fruitless if you do not talk to your parents once a day (if you have them).  Mine are my rock.  Different, but better than I could ever be.  And I can guarantee that no one, , has a baby book like me.

Falsification.

You act so strong. Your skin as thin as paper. Your lips shred with neglected razors and filing as you leap from your pedestal Pouncing on and preying on your past. You are as indiscriminate as those held hostage at Wall Street by greed. Your leash tightened around the neck of the one you love the most. Your memory eludes the most imminent eminent and pressing instances echoing amid the rest of the havoc in your cranium. It’s a ping pong tournament of recklessness. All I want is the tourniquet. You hear what needs to be heard to survive and the rest is tidily swept under the rug by Cinderella’s little mice friends. It all sounds so perfectly Gordon Gecko– yet we yield about 12k a year. So, what’s the catch, you say? Why don’t you just walk away?

Me.

 

You love to make it abundantly clear that I am a major detriment to this relationship. My disability and inability are inhabitants to everything that we could of been. You never say anything but how intelligent that I am and how I could do anything I wanted to. Words that both slice this skin facade I wear and with the other barbs permanently penetrating every neuron of my brain.

I can’t explain the reasoning behind a breakdown. I’m not the one who is capable of providing that information to the public. I know that she and I have lived through it. Sure, we have scars to prove it…. but none of us are over thirty….. we are still capable of turning things around. And she has. Stable job, coworkers who love her, a future wife who only is happy when she is clinging on to me sloth-style…. Eventually, that will be me.

——

Alas, I have been run through the gamut of trials and more than a few tribulations. My spirit may be broken by your family because of my lack of contribution and my abundance of restitution. But, I hope to prove that my inability to stand up for myself will not be an issue for much longer. But, for now, my skin is thick as that of a tortoises’ back. I make up in knowledge for the skills that I lack I am not a pawn nor just another fling. I apologize, but it’ts the real thing. I am here and I am strong. I’ve been beside her all along. I’ve been to every visist. Even when I thought, that “this was it.” I am here. And I am brave. So is she and it’s all she craves. She wants a family who loves her so…. I gave her one even if it’s faux. It’s mine and I can share, I do not care. They cannot imagine her anywhere…else but here, in t heir open arms. GOP can send off alarms.

This, my friends, is how lesbians can become part of a family. :) It does not have to involve a U-Haul. It involved me crashing in her apartment.

 

Meg,

You silly red-haired girl. You’ll never understand that I don’t care about the money your parental units possess. I love you because you make me laugh. I love you because in the mornings you give me sleepy eyes that are impossible to resist give me that curled and dimpled smile you love from meI love that if it is almost midnight and I decide pizza is in order– you make that order for me (even if it has vegetables on it!.) I love that you come out of the closet to ask me if an outfit works and it usually doesn’t. I love that your car is filthy and littered with trash, but that those trash bags are composed of funyons and Dunk-a Roos.–each with a story I love being held on your arm in a grocery store when we receive less than receptive glances– and when we do… we know it is probably from Jerry. :) I love everything about you. There is no life without you. I have lived with you for over four years as my partner and someday– you will be able to add a band to that engagement ring. I assure you of that. You are everything I ever wanted in another person. Your parents say how special you are and I hope Your friends continue to say how wonderful you are…. you heed their words as fact– they are right. You are that special. I just got lucky enough to grab on to those glittery wings. :) Enough to where you can’t fly away, I hope. :)

I will love you, until my dying day.

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My situation is easy to decipher.  Graduated from a class of over 550 students with a 4.0.  Decent drunkenly taken SAT scores.  Acceptance to a decent university: Texas A&M.

Now, My left hand picks up a bottle of vodka, takes a swig, swallows diet soda and continues on with a day that includes nothing but internet browsing.  And you are right.  I have accomplished nothing.  I never had a drawn out goal of an occupation that I had wanted to tackle.  There were no aspirations of greatness here, no applications churned in– at the very least I hoped for mediocrity.  Well, I was unable to make it across that hurdle as well.

So, here I am at twenty-eight…. nothing to look forward to….. only people to fall back into the trenches with.  What does that make me?  A failure.  One of many intellectual vagrants?   I’m not afraid of that term because I have embraced and defined it in regards to myself.

When you cannot find something in yourself to inspire or invigorate you… what then?  You are stuck in this equilibrium.   I used to be considered so prodigious and now I am nothing.  I have every intention of becoming what everyone once believed I would become because I can be that…. I am smart… I am talented… and above all things I am dedicated.  If I am not the best then I am the worst.

So, essentially…. I am waiting for a job to call on my imaginary cell phone for a job that does not exist.  Such is my life.

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